DESTRO: Well, Zartan, I walked all the way down a flight of stairs. Why has my daily Pilates routine been interrupted?
ZARTAN: Okay, see these creatures? They claim to be Cobra troops. The well-dressed one is Commander Frack, the one with the white tuft of sasquatch hair is Storm Shadow, the bald one who looks like Storm Shadow is Viper, and the small, inconsequential one is Grip. They say that Cobra Commander ordered them to grow and deliver a Chia Pet before Snake Eyes attacked and transformed 'em all into these Gremlins.
DESTRO: Can you repeat that?
ZARTAN: Absolutely not.
DESTRO: Okay, well then I guess we should -- ah jeez, hold on a second...
DESTRO: You idiots can put your arms down, now. This isn't a deodorant commercial.
EDDIE & ARMGUM: YES SIR!
DESTRO: And call my tailor. I'm not supposed to have these orange things growing on my shoulders.
DESTRO: You're Frack, right? And this must be the Chia Pet. She's looking a bit weathered, wouldn't you say?
COMMANDER FRACK: Yeah, well, it has been sitting around for two weeks. We would've got here sooner, but Snake Eyes tricked us into believing that he was switching sides. I put him in charge of guarding the Chia Pet while the rest of us went to sleep, and when we woke up, he was gone and we were all Gremlins!
DESTRO: So not only did you fall for the oldest trick in the book, but you actually put Snake Eyes in charge of guarding the very thing Cobra Commander ordered you to deliver?
COMMANDER FRACK: Sounds about right, yes.
DESTRO: God. If Cobra Commander comes downstairs, do yourself a favor. Tell him a different story.
ZARTAN: What do you think we should do, Destro? Help ...or hurt?
DESTRO: I'm naturally inclined to say "hurt," but you know what? Remember when you threw "Beauty and the Beast" on? I absolutely hated every second of the movie, but I sat and watched the whole thing anyway. I had to know what Beast really looked like. This is a similar experience for me. I've gotta see who's hiding in these Gremlin bodies.
ZARTAN: I dunno, Destro. Curiosity killed the cat.
DESTRO: Well, I'm no cat. I'm just an assistant. Secretary.
ZARTAN: And a damn good one.
DESTRO: Too good?
ZARTAN: Hrmpf.
VIPER: Do you think Destro and Zartan will help us, Commander Frack?
COMMANDER FRACK: Hard to say. Can't really read what they're thinking. One of them is wearing a mask, and the other is just too fucking ugly to look at.
STORM SHADOW: Argh! Well, they better help us. There's just no getting used to these bodies. I can't even do that trick with my tongue anymore.
GRIP: What trick?
STORM SHADOW: I'll show you later.
ZARTAN: Destro, sir... I think we've killed enough time. We're out of filler. Are we going to help them?
DESTRO: Yes. We're going to help the Gremlins return to their original form, if they are indeed who they say they are.
ZARTAN: I just thought of something, though. What if they're not lying about having been transformed into Gremlins, but are lying about having previously been Cobra troops! They could really be the Joes, for all we know!
DESTRO: An interesting theory, but I never listen to guys wearing black hoods who paint pizza slices around their eyes.
ZARTAN: Pizza slices?! Who ever heard of a black pizza slice?
DESTRO: Lemme guess -- you're from Rochester. Okay, enough of this -- you return to headquarters, I'll take the guards and the Gremlins.
ZARTAN: Wait, where are you going? I thought you were going to change them back?
DESTRO: I intend to, but I don't have those kinds of powers. I only know one person who could possibly handle such a task.
ZARTAN: You mean Serpentor?
DESTRO: No. They never made a twelve-incher for him. Pity, right?
DESTRO: Ugh. Is it really necessary to take the Chia Pet with us? We could've just as easily left it with Zartan.
COMMANDER FRACK: No way. We devoted a month of our lives to this Chia Pet. We get to present it to Cobra Commander. It's all we ask. Well that, and the miracle cure for this Gremlins curse. But that's all we ask.
EDDIE: Destro, sir! Are you sure you don't want me to shoot them?
DESTRO: No, Eddie. No, I'm not. Still, it's too late to turn back now. We've already walked like, twenty feet away from base. Follow me, my colleague is just around the next corner...
DESTRO: Ganzoid! It's been a long time. Did you set up my appointment with Ma'Seraido?
GANZOID: Certainly, most noble Destro. My master is expecting you. I don't know if he's expecting the sixty-eight other people you brought, though.
DESTRO: We Cobra are like the wolves. We travel in packs.
COMMANDER FRACK: "Cobra's like the wolves." See, now that's irony.
GANZOID: Silence your minions, noble Destro. Master Ma'Seraido handles flippancy about as well as he'd handle the lot of you prancing into his chamber and shitting all over the rugs.
DESTRO: Where'd you learn to talk like that?
GANZOID: You'd stray from the script if you-know-you penned your movies, too.
MA'SERAIDO: Chyyyooooitle Soooitlellele!
GANZOID: My master bids you welcome, sir.
MA'SERAIDO: Chyyyoiiiiitle SobeeYOIttele!
GANZOID: My master bids you welcome again, albeit with a slightly alternate greeting on the second go-around.
MA'SERAIDO: Chyyyoiiitseeoiiitle Mossstaiboyle Sanchanananoyle!
GANZOID: Okay, I have no clue what the fuck he said that time.
DESTRO: Well, Ganzoid? Will he help my soldiers or not?
GANZOID: Lemme ask him. Chyoitle ceremoyal, boyal omm doyle?
MA'SERAIDO: Chyoitle Yoitle Goyle Goyle. Squirtle.
GANZOID: Sir Destro, my master has agreed to help. He desires to know what he'll receive in return.
DESTRO: Oh great, here we go...
DESTRO: I hate this bargaining shit. Can't we just skip to the end part? You know, where he tells me the amount of money it's gonna cost? We're going to end up there anyway...can't we drop the middle stuff?
MA'SERAIDO: CHYOITTLLLE NOBOYTLE!
GANZOID: Master Ma'Seraido says he will no longer accept money as payment for his services. Frankly, he has enough money. He desires something of a more spiritual value.
DESTRO: I've got some gum?
GANZOID: I'm afraid that won't do. My master will not aid you until he hears an offer to his liking.
STORM SHADOW: Hey, I've got an idea! Robot dude, tell the troll that if he helps us, Destro will show him what he looks like under that mask!
MA'SERAIDO: CHYOITTLE! CHYOITLE CELEBROYTLE!
GANZOID: He agrees!
DESTRO: Storm Shadow, you lousy motherfucker...
DESTRO: What are you thinking?! I came all of this way and asked a favor on your behalf! You know I can't remove my mask!
STORM SHADOW: Why not?!
DESTRO: I'll lose my mystique!
MA'SERAIDO: Chyyyyyoooitle.
GANZOID: Master decrees that he will only aid these troops if you agree to remove your mask as soon as he's done. He will accept no counteroffer. Not even for the gum.
DESTRO: Grrrrr. Okay you cretins, so be it. If Ma'Seraido can transform the lizards back into my troops, I will...remove my mask.
STORM SHADOW: ...and your shirt.
DESTRO: That wasn't part of the arrangement.
MA'SERAIDO: Chyoitle Joytul Sipotyle Boyle.
GANZOID: My master says that the creatures can be reformed only by sticking their hands in that barrel of slime.
MA'SERAIDO: Choytle Boytle Ooloytle.
GANZOID: My master swears that he's not kidding.
COMMANDER FRACK: Troops, this is it! This is what we've been waiting for! I don't know what this goopy stuff is, or what'll really happen to us after we touch it. Before we take the plunge, know that you're the finest soldiers I've ever had the pleasure of commanding.
STORM SHADOW: You said the same thing in the last episode.
COMMANDER FRACK: Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. Okay, on the count of three! 1... 2...
...THREE!!!
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