Alright, let's finish this bitch off. I've already reviewed the first three Critters movies, and while I wish I could say I saved the best for last, "Critters 4" ain't so good. Much like we saw when "Ghoulies" returned for its fourth and final foray, the sequel changes up the familiar plot entirely, and what you're left with is a flick that's only negligibly attached to its roots. Yes, those nasty Crites still get their fair share of screentime, but they're just a backdrop for a story that -- when you trim off the bullshit -- never really needed 'em to begin with. It's watchable for what it is, but "Critters 4" is not the flick to pick if you're in the mood for cheesy creature fun.
Plenty of people have seen "Critters," and of them, a decent percentage have probably seen "Critters 2." Don't rent this one expecting more of the same. There's no ugly redheaded hero kids, no "Critterballs," no sunny farms -- Hell, there's not even an Earth in this movie. And yet, I'd still recommend it for curiosity's sake since it's the only movie I've ever seen that featured a fifteen-second close-up shot of Angela Bassett's asscrack.
But, as was the case with "Ghoulies," it's always nice to see a series like this actually wrap up. Don Opper Fuckhead is back as "Charlie," the buffoon-turned-interstellar bounty hunter who manages to creep up in all of the Crites' movies. More prominent members of the cast include Angela Bassett and Brad Dourif as two spacefaring fools charged with delivering monster eggs to an evil corporation led by...oh, wait and see. How Bassett and Dourif made anything of their careers after "Critters 4" is up for debate, but then, Leo DiCaprio bounced back from his starring role in "Critters 3." The film seems to have been crafted sheerly for the amusement of the cast and crew; it's all incredibly by-the-numbers, and if you consider the fact that it's a movie set in outer space featuring creatures who eat people, making it "by-the-numbers" was no easy task. Debuting as a direct-to-video special in 1991, nobody should feel any less of a horror completist if they've somehow missed this one. There's not much to miss, and while there's even less to sit here and write about, I'm going to give it the ol' college try. As a two-time dropout, I may not make it.
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At the end of the third movie, we saw Charlie being forced to save the last two Crite eggs, charged with putting them in a space capsule and delivering 'em to some kind of interstellar council for people who like Crite eggs. Not sure, wasn't really paying attention. Continuously enough, "Critters 4" kicks off with a shot of that same pod -- containing the chemically frozen Crite eggs and Charlie himself -- floating around in space some fifty years later. Chuck's an interesting choice for a main character; his charm is best served in small doses, or better yet, he just shouldn't have been in any of these movies at all. He's the poor man's Ernest, which in of itself is probably the most embarrassing thing to call any performer. Yet, there he is...in all four movies. More so in the fourth than the previous three put together. Not sure if God hates us, but "Critters 4" casting director Nina Axelrod certainly did.
Anyway, the pod's presence is noticed by a nearby ship, which flies around the steadily swirling pod using special effects that paint outer space as an endless sea of newly paved race car tracks. I never quite got what purpose the crew of this ship was serving -- I gather they were some ragtag group of filthy pirates -- but they're as mixed as they are unlucky to bookend their acting resumes with the majesty that is "Critters 4." "Rick" is the captain...just your typical dickhead-to-everyone evil captain, complete with long hair (the longer the more malevolent) and the indicative-of-slimeball cigar. "Bernie" seems to be the mechanical whiz, and all-around Boy Friday who alternates his time between helping the ship and stealing pharmaceuticals whenever he has the chance. This becomes important later. Okay not that important.
"Al" is the ship's programmer...I think. Couldn't tell, but he's the guy who most typically conversed with the various ships' talking computers throughout the film. He's also the supplier of cinema's absolute worst, most drawn out soliloquy ever. I've included a video clip of it following the review -- I stress that it's for the brave only. Incredibly, he's played by Brad Dourif, a pretty beloved cult actor and the voice of Chucky himself. Spreading the film's massive star power is Angela Bassett, playing "Fran," who never really did anything to justify why she was on the ship on the first place. Besides getting naked. "Ethan" is the little kid -- a spunky young swashbuckler who dreams of visiting Earth. Only Ethan and Fran seem to be genuinely good people, while the rest of the crew might as well wear "Eat Us First, Critters" T-shirts. Captain Rick frequently beats Ethan, Bernie's a drug hoarder, and Al? Al only wears black.
The crew holds a vote, deciding to use the ship's tractor beam to grab hold of the mysterious pod. They figure a small reward wouldn't be out of the question. Using more terrific special effects (throw a paper airplane over a midnight blue comforter set and tape it...you've just outdone "Critters 4"), Unknown Ship seizes Mysterious Pod and boy oh boy are things bizzout ta'git fugly.
Just after the pod is docked aboard the shuttle, the gruesome Terra-Corp (or something like that) sends a message to all of the previously introduced idiots. Fronted by the well respected though mostly feared Counselor Tetra, hardcore "Critters" fans should immediately recognize Tetra as "Ug," the heroic bounty hunter who starred in the first two movies, appearing in the climax of the third to make poor Charlie save the Crites and pod-paddle for half a century.
Well, Terra-Corp knows that the pirates have that very pod, and Tetra/Ug wants to make good on a collection date set decades ago. He also wants the audience to look directly into his eyes, hopefully diverting attention from the fact that there's a strange wolfman lurking about behind him. (see pic)
Tetra demands that the crew dock their shuttle aboard one of Terra-Corp's bigger ships to await his arrival. Best describing Terra-Corp as a shitty version of the Empire, our heroes know better than to mess with 'em. They board one of Terra-Corp's shitty versions of a Star Destroyer, and are surprised to find nobody inside. Nobody! Not a one! There's no signs of battle damage or any other elements of suspicious activity, so the crew decides to just ignore the enormous warning sign and consider the empty ship the result of everyone onboard double dog-daring each other to leap off into space.
Terra-Corp's ship is just a huge series of mostly darkened corridors -- sort of like a very ill-frequented Photon arena, only less cool 'cuz nobody ever played Photon in there. They agree that Terra-Corp is bound to show up sooner or later, so they get comfy. Some of the crew investigates the shuttle, others just vanish until their next line in the script. Angela Bassett? She takes a shower.
The ass shot is gratuitous, but so unflatteringly choreographed that poor Angela looks more like she's about to do that old trick where a naked woman focuses her energies to crap on command. The whole scene is a testament to how hard it must be to break into the whole acting biz, as I doubt many people would actually prefer to get naked for a movie like "Critters 4." I mean, it's not like there's any reason for the ass-view. The key to the plot isn't in Angela's ass. The ass just comes and goes, never mentioned again. It's only there so people could pass a lie detector test when asked if they liked any part of "Critters 4."
Captain Rick sneaks up on Frangela's ass, admiring it from afar and making really disturbing faces at it. Like "I'm gonna get youuuu" kinda faces. Creepy, especially when juxtaposed with a progressively closer shot of the inside of Angela Bassett's ass. The greatest scene of the entire "Critters" series ends when Fran turns around, notices her ass-watcher and socks him one right in the drooling kisser. Then she grabs a towel and belts out a victory song that sounded suspiciously like Doublemint Gum's old jingle with a few of the words changed. You can't spell Bassett without ass.
After some more junk, Captain Rick decides to make up for the Ass Incident by raiding Terra-Corp's Mysterious Pod. He's a looter, see. The rest of the crew warned him not to fuck with Tetra, but Rick just wouldn't be the movie's premiere asshole if he didn't do the polar opposite of a group vote. Inside the pod, of course, is Charlie. He's finally thawed out, and he's got absolutely no idea what happened. Doesn't know he's in the future, doesn't know that the company he bounty hunted for is out of business, doesn't know the audience as a collective hates his guts, doesn't know jack shit. Actually, he remembers one thing. One little tiny thing. Those Crite eggs were in the pod with him, and since it's been fifty years since they left Earth, it stood to reason that they had probably hatched.
Hatch they did. The young Critters are smaller than we're used to seeing (they grow as they eat), and this allows for a great scene where they attack Captain Rick -- one bites his hand while the other hops in his mouth and chokes poor Rick to death. Farewell, Asswatching Captain Rick. Ethan and Charlie are the only witnesses of this gruesome turn of events, and decide to form a special bond and everlasting friendship around that one measly thing in common. Sheesh.
Yeah, so for the next ten minutes or so, we're treated to watching Ethan and Charlie skulk around the shuttle trying to figure out how to get back to the main control room. Making matters worse is the defected ship's computer system, which casually closes doorways as our heroes walk towards them. This all leads to Ethan and Charlie becoming trapped in a trash room for a scene that both rips off Star Wars and made me throw shoes at the television simultaneously.
I gotta say though, whomever played Ethan wasn't too bad in this. Actually, the cast as a whole was pretty good, all things considered. I'm not really down with the idea of moving the series into the future and outer space, but I'd kill for a "Critters 5" all the same. I'm sure it'd be a complete goofball spoof even if anyone lost a really big bet and took the project on, but I hate living in a world where flicks like "Ghoulies" and "Critters" are such decisive history. Guess we'll just have to hold out hope for the only sequel that has a chance -- "Gremlins 3." I bet Gizmo will get a girlfriend!!
After churning out enough lame filler scenes to drive any sane person not sane, Ethan and Charlie catch up to what's remaining of the crew. Captain Rick is unbelievably dead, though nobody seems to care that much. Especially Fran. Her ass can once again get washed under the radar.
It's here that Charlie finally learns of his situation -- he's fifty years in the future, all of his friends are dead, he's trapped in outer space, and God damn, time hasn't healed the ugly. Fran and Al are negotiably skeptical of Charlie's story, but since distrust would involve having to pay more attention to him, they just decide to accept his story as truth. Ethan had seen enough to know that Charlie was legit, but instead of telling his shipmates that, he stood in the back and silently mouthed along to everyone else's lines.
Anyway, where's Bernie? Remember him? The drug addict in the orange jumpsuit? Well, Terra-Corp's ship has a medical facility, and since there's nobody onboard, what could a little visit hurt?
While stuffing his bag with thousands of pills, Bernie doesn't notice the monsters lurking around behind him. It's the Critters! They've grown! And they've got teeth! The true heroes of the story make quick work of Bernie, reducing him to a bloody pile of entrails before heading off. That's two down. The rest of the crew arrive to inspect the damage and pay their respects, but they become so enamored with the creatures' footprints that they altogether overlook the fact that their friend is dead and half-eaten on the floor in front of 'em. Then again, weird footprints usually take priority.
They've seen enough. Everyone agrees to leave Terra-Corp's ship, but before they're able to, Stupid Charlie inadvertently blasts the controls on their ship. Doy. Now they're stuck there. Albert suggests holing up in the broken down little ship, and that seems like as good of a plan as any. Everyone locks up and hides, except Ethan, who idiotically runs back into Terra-Corp's ship with a gun to take out the last Critter. Why? Because he's reallllllly stupid.
While out on the prowl, Ethan locates the last remaining Critter, who used the ship's equipment to clone a horde of baby Crites. Wuh oh. Amazingly enough, furless baby Crites are actually kind of cute.
Wow, this movie sucks, huh? Guess I better follow suit with the producers...
Hey, if they're allowed to justify a 90-minute movie with a shot of Angela Bassett's ass, I'm allowed to justify a 9,000-word review with a seven-inch picture of it. If you consider the image as being unsafe for work, just tell people it's chocolate cake. You can even make all sorts of double entendres about wanting to eat it.
Back to the action. Previously, the crew watched a movie found onboard where one of the ship's scientists used a weird machine to make alien spiders larger, more aggressive and downright deadly. Ethan spies on the Critters using that same machine to biggie-size their army. To be honest, they don't look that much different after going through the process. The Critters themselves have almost no role in the movie from this point forth, too -- they pop up once in a while, but only as an excuse for a particular character to use whatever super-weapon they'd accidentally tripped over. Not a good sendoff for the Crites.
Uh oh, Tetra's arrived! And he's brought Stormtroopers! Charlie immediately recognizes Tetra as his old pal Ug, but Tetrug's being pretty icy. After killing Albert (that's three), Tetra demands that the crew cooperate and bring him the Crite eggs. Finally, he confides in Charlie that "things change," a short way of admitting that he's now a bad guy. A bad guy? Ug is a bad guy?
Fans really took issue with that one...all three of 'em. It's sort of like when a sitcom fucks with years of stories in its last episode, ruining the experience for anyone who had been faithfully watching season after season. Of course, it's a little less critical when it comes to "Critters 4." I'm not entirely convinced that anyone besides me has actually seen the film. I suppose word-of-mouth about Angela's ass is possible, but who'd really go out of their way for this one? I would've preferred to see Ug save the day one last time, but it's not like anything was going to keep "Critters 4" from being the absolute last of the series. Guess it's no big deal. Kill 'em all!
Here's what Angela Bassett's ass would look like if she was really freezing and covered in Super Mario 2 turnips. Angela Bassett's ass is my new canvas of creativity. Wait till you see what it looks like inner beveled.
After more positively intense action, Charlie saves the day by shooting Ug in the forehead. He's dead. Charlie reflects on the loss of his former friend for three seconds, Ethan destroys one last Critter, and everyone runs onto Ug's shuttle and escapes the mock Star Destroyer before a big nuclear meltdown I forgot to mention earlier. Charlie, Ethan and Angela are the only survivors of this perilous adventure, unless you count all of Tetra's Stormtroopers which mysteriously disappeared ten minutes prior.
Overall: If "Critters 4" was just a movie about a bland group of space pirates trying to survive against monsters and nuclear reactors, it wouldn't have been *that* bad. As the end of the "Critters" series, though, it's pretty tough to swallow. Then again, I guess they'd used up all of the available "Critters on Earth" gimmicks in the first three films. The movie was about as successful as you'd suspect; most people who'd seen "Critters" probably had no idea that it went all the way to a fourth flick. 5 out of 10...I knew it was going to be dumb, but there's just not enough here to make it the fun kind of dumb. Pass on "Critters 4."
This is the worst video clip I could possibly make available. I just wanted you to understand what I have to deal with to review movies like "Critters 4." See if you can endure Albert's neverending speech.
This is the best video clip I could possibly make available, which truly exemplifies what a shitty movie "Critters 4" was. Nah, it's not so bad. You'll get to see the Crites eat an orange guy. Bet ya didn't think you'd see that today.
