READ THE PREVIOUS EPISODES FIRST! PART ONE!!! -- PART TWO!!! -- PART THREE!!!
RAPID-FIRE: Okay troops, it's time. Cobra has been a thorn in our -- nay, the world's side for far too long. It's up to us to put a stop to them and restore peace to those we've sworn to protect.
SNAKE EYES: .....
RAPID-FIRE: Yeah, and we'll get shitloads of cash.
RAPID-FIRE: So, you new recruits are starting off with a pretty important mission, huh? No climbing the wall and playing jumprope for six months for you guys...we're going right to the snake's head. It's like playing that Carmen Sandiego game and getting to arrest her on your first case. Are you sure you're ready for this?
TUNNEL RAT: Ready? Ready?! Us Joes were born ready!
KENNY KAYAK: Cobra will soon salute my shorts.
FOUR-EYED FRANKIE: I'll knock 'em out with my turbo-goggles!
BLUE GUY IN THE BACK: I'm the blue guy in the back.
RAPID-FIRE: Fear is not your friend and failure is not an option. Tonight we strike!
ALL: YO JOE!
DESTRO: Commander Frack...you and your troops have come a long way. You've grown a Chia Pet, you've made it back from the very brink of Gremlinized Hell, you've persuaded me to unmask myself to an alien with a big movie screen on its stomach, and you've said a lot of cursewords. We've been building to this moment for over a month, and I implore you to savor it. Honors like this will rarely find their way to you again. It's time for you to meet ...COBRA COMMANDER!
STORM SHADOW: Ah, man. I was hoping we'd get the silver mask version.
GRIP: From the neck up, he looks like that little dude from the Scrubbin' Bubbles commercials.
COMMANDER FRACK: Who are those two red guys standing beside him? They look French.
COBRA COMMANDER: SILENCE!!!
COBRA COMMANDER: Soooo...you must be Commander Frack. As you well know, I am ...COBRA COMMANDER.
COMMANDER FRACK: Dang! I feel like I should be kneeling or something. Should I?
COBRA COMMANDER: No. That's not really one of my things.
COMMANDER FRACK: Yeah? But you're still gonna give me one of those Body of Christ wafers, right?
COBRA COMMANDER: I don't do that either.
COMMANDER FRACK: Grip, you idiot! You said he gives those out!
GRIP: I told you I was only 90% sure! 90%!
COBRA COMMANDER: SILENCE!!!
COMMANDER FRACK: Commander Cobra Commander, here's the Chia Pet you asked us to grow.
COBRA COMMANDER: What?! It's all withered and rotten!
COMMANDER FRACK: It certainly is. I knew it was a bad idea to spend two weeks getting up your stairs.
VIPER: Cobra Commander, sir! It's not completely ruined! There's a part over here that's still green!
COBRA COMMANDER: Forest green, or one of those green/yellow Crayola mutants that's obviously yellow and not at all green?
VIPER: The latter.
COBRA COMMANDER: SILENCE!!!
COBRA COMMANDER: Storm Shadow, I expected better from you. We go back a long way.
STORM SHADOW: Hey, don't blame me. I barely helped them!
VIPER: Yep, he didn't help at all. Thanks a lot, Storm.
STORM SHADOW: Was I talking to you? Are you blue? Are you all blue and hooded?
COBRA COMMANDER: You and your crew have put me in an awful position, Storm Shadow.
STORM SHADOW: Hah! I never realized that before...I have a crew!!
COBRA COMMANDER: Idiots, all idiots. Destro, our army is littered with idiots!
DESTRO: Yup, especially the Karate Champ twins. They're the stupidest of the lot.
COBRA COMMANDER: Ugh. I have no use for morons on my team. We may have to kill them.
DESTRO: Kill them? Can't we just fire them like a normal company?
COBRA COMMANDER: No. That's not really one of my things.
COBRA COMMANDER: What's your name, soldier?
VIPER: Viper. Webster's defines it as "red guy who needs to stay alive." That's a joke, see.
COBRA COMMANDER: It wasn't very funny.
VIPER: Really? I thought I was pretty on the mark, timely and clever with that one.
COBRA COMMANDER: You weren't.
VIPER: We can agree to disagree, Commander.
GRIP: Hey! What gives?!
COBRA COMMANDER: People who deliver wilted Chia Pets to Cobra Commander do not deserve million dollar claw accessories!
GRIP: That's not fair!
COBRA COMMANDER: Bring me a plant I have to hide from the cats. Then we'll talk!
GRIP: I'm nothing without those claws!
COBRA COMMANDER: My inferiors report that you've had like, six lines total so far. Face it, Grip. You weren't much with the claws to begin with.
COBRA COMMANDER: Well, Crimmy...I think I've sufficiently mocked and degraded them, yet I still feel somehow obliged to see that they're killed. Am I becoming too harsh?
CRIMSON GUARD: I can't remember if I was one of those soldiers that wasn't supposed to say anything.
COBRA COMMANDER: Either can I. I guess you should just use judgment. Say only what's meaningful.
CRIMSON GUARD: One day I put my hat on backwards, and swear to God, not a single person in Cobra noticed!
COBRA COMMANDER: That's the ticket.
COBRA COMMANDER: Destro! Zartan! Listen up! I'm very much on the fence in regard to this whole "should I kill my own troops" issue. I've decided that I near to hear arguments from both sides. Thus, you two shall engage in a trial, with me as the judge. Destro, you will argue against me killing them, and Zartan will argue for it. Okay Silverhead, you go first.
ZARTAN: That was a long ass speech. Thank God I have a degree in law.
DESTRO: Oh yeah? Well I didn't see Cobra Commander giving you a pet name.
DESTRO: Ladies and gentlemen, judge, red guys, Zartan. Tonight I will prove to the court that the needless murder of Cobra's own troops is both foolish and plain silly. We will have sixteen exhibits, numerous testimonies, and with any luck, witnesses who pack the same unique charm as the grit lady in "My Cousin Vinny" who needed thicker glasses. I do not expect this trial to be swift, though I'm confident that you'll not only understand my side of the argument -- you'll agree with it 100%.
COBRA COMMANDER: Destro, think we can get the abridged version here? This rock isn't as comfortable as it looks.
DESTRO: I'll take it down from four score seven years to two score fifteen minutes.
COBRA COMMANDER: What does that mean?
DESTRO: It's a secret.
COMMANDER FRACK: I hate all of this waiting! I need to know if they're gonna kill us or not!
VIPER: Commander Frack, you know...nobody's watching us right now. We could easily slip away and form a splinter group. We'll be tweeners!
COMMANDER FRACK: Mind your tongue, soldier. We are still Cobra troops. We will die Cobra troops.
VIPER: I wonder if bad guys can get into Heaven if the only thing they've ever done bad is grow a Chia Pet for another bad guy.
GRIP: Whatcha doin', Storm Shadow?
STORM SHADOW: Drawing another comic. I feel it helps ease the tensions involved with not knowing if we're going to be executed or not. Wanna see?
GRIP: Oh God, absolutely not.
STORM SHADOW: Please? Consider it my last request.
GRIP: Fine. Gimme it.
STORM SHADOW: Well don't keep me in suspense, Grip!
STORM SHADOW: What do you think?
GRIP: I think it's a lot easier to hold paper when I've got hands instead of giant scorpion claws.
STORM SHADOW: And the comic?
GRIP: It sucks.
EIGHT HOURS LATER...
DESTRO: ...so you see, killing the four Cobra troops would not only be wrong, it would be going against the very templates of which you personally set a seeming millennia ago!
COBRA COMMANDER: I can't understand what you're saying, but your conviction is certainly persuasive.
DESTRO: Do you want me to repeat everything I've said, in more simple terms?
COBRA COMMANDER: I think I'd rather lump you in with the four rogues and hire a new lawyer before listening to another second of your ridiculous speeches.
DESTRO: The defense rests.
COBRA COMMANDER: That was a brilliant, well played line of reasoning, Destro. I would've preferred a shorter testimony, but nitpicking would hypocritically lengthen this trial. Good show, though. Zartan, it's your turn.
DESTRO: Hope you've done your homework, buddy!
ZARTAN: I have no home.
ZARTAN: Destro is a piece of shit. If we kill the troops, we finally get to use these four-foot guns you paid all that money for!
COBRA COMMANDER: Zartan wins!
COBRA COMMANDER: Sorry, Destro. Zartan has a point. And a four-foot gun!
ZARTAN: Fully loaded, Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER: I love shooting guns!
COBRA COMMANDER: Soldiers, we've held a trial, and you lost. Looks like we're going to kill you. Do you have any parting words?
COMMANDER FRACK: I don't agree with how that trial went down, Cobra Commander, but if we're destined to die, go ahead and shoot us.
COBRA COMMANDER: An honorable exit, Frack. What about you, Storm Shadow? Anything to say?
STORM SHADOW: Yeah. You're a douchebag asshole shit. And I fucked your mother.
COBRA COMMANDER: Farewell, fallen troops! This will hurt us more than you! Okay everyone...on the count of three!
One!! Two!!
"ATTACK!!!"
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