VIPER: Commander Frack, look! The Joes are beating us up! Should we help our comrades?
COMMANDER FRACK: I'm...I'm not sure, Viper. After all, they were about to shoot us.
STORM SHADOW: Let's just pretend we're ornamental and wait this thing out.
STORM SHADOW: There's no reason for us to get involved with this, Frack. Our allegiances were forcibly severed.
COMMANDER FRACK: No! No! Storm Shadow, until acid rain wipes the insignia from our chests and your forehead, we are still Cobra troops! Everyone, attack the Joes!
DESTRO: Kill the carrier! Kill the carrier!
EDDIE: I can't find any Joes to beat up!
STORM SHADOW: Snake Eyes is mine!
EDDIE: This pile is so disorganized!
RAPID-FIRE: Quick, Frankie! Shoot him!
FOUR-EYED FRANKIE: Shoot who?
RAPID-FIRE: Cobra Commander!
FOUR-EYED FRANKIE: So, you want me to shoot Cobra Commander?
RAPID-FIRE: KILL HIM! KILL HIM, FOUR-EYED FRANKIE!
RAPID-FIRE: What are you doing?! You traitor!
FOUR-EYED FRANKIE: Traitor? You said "kill Cobra Commander." Since you never bothered to formally introduce yourself, there's no real way for me to discern which of you is Cobra Commander.
RAPID-FIRE: Terrorist fiend! You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.
FOUR-EYED FRANKIE: You could be right. I may not have the guts.
RAPID-FIRE: I triple dog dare you to pull that trigger!
FOUR-EYED FRANKIE: Why you!
COBRA COMMANDER: Zartan! It was you all along!
ZARTAN: That's right, boss. Figured now would be a good time to show my true colors. Plus, wearing the skin I cut off Frankie's face is pretty fucking disgusting.
COBRA COMMANDER: Wait...wait a second. If you're the real Zartan, then that other Zartan we've been hanging out with is...
ZARTAN: That's right, boss. Sucka's a ringer!
COBRA COMMANDER: Round 'em up, troops. These Joes will make for great bargaining assets when we're ready.
DESTRO: You mean we're not going to kill them?
COBRA COMMANDER: Nah. I'm sick of seeing poorly Photoshopped blood spills.
COMMANDER FRACK: What about us, Cobra Commander! After all, we still helped you beat the Joes even after you tried to kill us...
COBRA COMMANDER: You have a point, Frack. Besides, the guy who convinced me to kill you was really one of the Joes.
COMMANDER FRACK: I knew something was fishy when he kept saying all that stuff and his lips never moved.
COBRA COMMANDER: Now, whether we should still execute you or not....that's a difficult question. On one hand, you've remained faithful Cobra troops. On the other hand, I still haven't gotten to use those four-foot guns. I'm sure you can understand my dilemma.
STORM SHADOW: I think I'm going to wear these sunglasses everyday from now on.
ZARTAN: Boss, give 'em to me. I could use the help. We still haven't completed Mission XB-C1, you know.
COBRA COMMANDER: Mission XB-C1! Of course! I love Mission XB-C1! You've got yourself a deal, Zartan. We will spare the lives of these four loyal fools.
ZARTAN: Four loyal fools four loyal fools four loyal fools.
COBRA COMMANDER: Huh?
ZARTAN: Just testing to see if I could say it three times fast.
COBRA COMMANDER: Okay, troops! Zartan has volunteered you to help him with Mission XB-C1. This means I won't kill you. You better pray that you can do a better job on Mission XB-C1 than you did for Mission XB-Chia. You've got to pray just to make it today.
DESTRO: We expect you all to report back to Cobra Headquarters in no later than four weeks.
STORM SHADOW: Four weeks?! What kind of mission are you sending us on?
DESTRO: The Commander, bless his heart, has decided to move Cobra into some more legitimate businesses. Under Zartan's command, you four will create and deliver expensive baubles for us to hock at every local flea market from here to Chicago.
STORM SHADOW: You're sending us to a sweatshop?!
COBRA COMMANDER: I prefer to think of it as a luxurious Hellhole.
TUNNEL RAT: Ugh... Gah... Blah... Throw-Up... Thank God Cobra didn't notice me sneaking off! I've gotta find help! I must save my friends! I wish my ribs weren't broken.
COMMANDER FRACK: Jesus. With all the money Cobra has, you'd think we could fly around in a classier jet than this.
ZARTAN: This isn't a jet. It used to be, though. Now it's a bus. Who wants to push??
COMMANDER FRACK: Listen, Zartan. Cobra Commander might've put you in charge, but that doesn't mean you can order around my troops. Only I can do that.
ZARTAN: Commander Frack, I wouldn't dream of muscling in on your territory. I only require assistance with Mission XB-C1.
COMMANDER FRACK: "XB-C1." Is that some kind of acronym?
ZARTAN: No. Destro just thought it sounded cool.
COMMANDER FRACK: Well, what are we gonna be doing?! You can't expect us to go into this big important mission so blindly!
ZARTAN: Of course not! In fact, if you'll look just ahead, you'll find our destination...
ZARTAN: Prepare your troops, Commander Frack. We're about to polish our way straight to the East side.
DESTRO: Cobra Commander! You can't be serious!
COBRA COMMANDER: But I am, Destro...but I am! We've been sitting on this goldmine for too long. It's time we let the Great Mystery Egg hatch!
DESTRO: Commander, you've gone mad! You know we won't be able to control it!
COBRA COMMANDER: It's a risk I'm willing to take, old friend. Surely the rest of the Joes will come looking for their captive friends. We need an insurance policy.
DESTRO: Have you ever noticed how much we look like brothers? If only you didn't wear that scarf thing. Lousy germophobe.
COBRA COMMANDER: Keep it quiet, you fool. Help me get this egg inside the Chia Pet. Someday, when it's ready, it will hatch into the greatest warrior in the history of Cobra!
DESTRO: I really hope you know what you're doing.
COBRA COMMANDER: My decisions have never steered us wrong. Unless you count all those other times.
TUNNEL RAT: ...and I know our teams haven't always gotten along, but you must look towards the greater evil! Cobra's killed some of our troops and kidnapped others. They'll do the same to you guys once they defeat us. I need your help! We have to rescue my friends!
Pretty please?
With sugar on top?
TUNNEL RAT: Ninja Turtles....G.I. Joe needs your help!
-- Matt (2/29/03)
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