 I may have been too hard on this one the first time around. Jaws, produced by LJN Toys in 1987, was one of Nintendo's most famous movie crossovers, and a title that perfectly exemplified the industry's tendency to rush out such valued-by-name titles for the fast buck, throwing caution to the wind with whether all the bugs were fixed or even if the games were any fun. Yet, as much as Jaws frustrated me as a child, I can't help feeling a little more for it nowadays. Judging in hindsight is more conducive to liberal grading, but in truth, I'm just too much of a Jaws fan to not get a kick out of his video game. Who cares if it sucks? It's Jaws!
I can only offer my opinion; the facts have been told before, elsewhere, and been told better than I could better told 'em. See? What I can add to the experts' ranting is something not frequently mentioned -- Nintendo Jawsie was based on the fourth and worst installment of the series, 1987's Jaws: The Revenge. Seems like Nintendo/LJN decided not to play it up, considering that the film didn't recoup its budget in theaters, and was generally referred to as "that fuckin' fourth shark movie and if you see it we're not friends no more."
 Jaws: The Revenge, hooo boy. Ellen Brody (the nearly inconsequential wife from parts I & II) is your hero, oozing about as much charisma as the fake shark, which from budget cuts had slowly transformed from the amazingly lifelike android in the first flick to Jaws: The Revenge's rocking chair covered in loosely stitched pieces of gray construction paper. Factual errors weren't caught only by bitter people who sit and watch for them viciously at all times: we're given a great white shark who travels distances of over 5,000 miles in three days simply so it can be in the same city as our well-traveled main characters. Still, every cloud has a silver lining, and this time around, it's Mario Van Peebles. He's in it. So is Michael Caine, playing a pilot who doesn't get eaten because he's Michael Caine, damn it. Terrible sequels rarely halt a moneymaking series for long, but even ten years later, the franchise hasn't recovered from Jaws: The Revenge.
So, obviously, this was the perfect choice for a movie-turned-video game. Anyone could see that. People who played the game were divided into two categories, no exceptions: players who could beat the entire thing in less than 8 or 9 minutes, and players who had absolutely no idea what the fuck was happening, oftentimes turning the game off before killing their first jellyfish. In Jaws, there's no room for freethinking players. It's their way or no way. Yep, only one way to take care of this shark, so if you don't like the sound of collecting 350 conch shells ultimately for no real reason at all, go play Stinger. Nobody else was. :( :( :(
 Okay player, here you go! You "Diver." You strong, and you? You hate shark. This is all we're afforded on our character's history: he's just some freak who goes along building confidence by slaughtering jellyfish and baby sharks until he's ready to make the Big Kill. Here's a detailed description of everything personally deemed noteworthy in Jaws, so on the off chance that I'm affecting some not familiar with the title, they'll have no need to actually play it. It's all about taking care of the people.
Get used to screens like this, because you'll be seeing lots of screens like this. Screens like this are everywhere in Jaws. I hate screens like this. You've got two primary schools of enemies during the early goings: rays and jellyfish. Get 'em here, rays and jellyfish. Here we find the first true evidence that everything in Jaws is completely out of scale. The rays and jellyfish are all larger than You Diver, and I'm not saying that it can't happen, but the frequency seems awfully suspicious.
Other enemies would appear later -- shaaarckses. You might think one of 'em is Jaws at first glance, but look closer. In the game, Jaws is nearly triple the size of your boat. You're looking for a shark you can set up shop on. The rays and jellyfish generally mind their own business, but if you touch 'em, power is lost. In Jaws, this is enough to warrant the veritable massacre of helpless sea creatures, a mandate that leaves paths of bloody entrails in its wake. Compensating for the cruel murders is the fact that, upon dying, the animals morph into extremely useful, valuable items! Most of these shat-out super-uppers only provide bonus points, but keep an eye out for conch shells. You absolutely must get the conch shells.
Article continued below advertisement:
Visit our sponsors to support the site!
Jaws' power meter is on the screen at all times, which might seem annoying but it's actually kinda cool -- reminds you that the big shark's just around the corner. Indeed, the real Jaws can show up early in the game on occasion, but it's more of a token cameo than anything you should pay attention to, much less attack. See, until the game's ready to let you kill Jaws, your spears will cause almost no harm. I'm not sure if killing him in the early stages is even possible, but if it is, my math says it'll take 14,567 spear shots. Ironically enough, that's not even half of the maximum You Diver is able to hold and conceal while swimming. You Diver is pretty amazing.
Fact is, by the time Jaws' power meter really means anything, he's so easy to beat that it seems nearly redundant. You Diver drains that shit lightning fast. Going back to the Silver Lining Precedent set earlier by Mario Van Peebles, I'm pretty stoked to see that LJN didn't write it out as "Jaw's Power." Such errors were not uncommon during Nintendo's early years, but we would've had to look at this one the whole time we were playing. Eventually, we'd believe that it was correct. We'd be Picard, "Jaw's" the four lights. Wait, isn't it supposed to be "Jaws's'?" Shark troubles.
There's part of the map, which doubles as a quick-travel spot for you to navigate your boat across. That boat has really, really tall masts. I don't think I'll ever see another boat with masts that tall. Are those masts even possible? Could any boat, much less You Diver's smallass watertube, really support masts like that? When slavery was legal, was "Mast" a popular nickname?
 As mentioned, conch shells are important. In certain areas, the conches themselves are important. Not here, though. We hate the conch. After collecting enough shells, You Diver can play Good Trader and swap 'em out for totally awesome shark-hunting equipment. Wait till you see the wares! Coming soon!
Here's a weird little side game, and one of the title's only points that lifts something directly from Jaws: The Revenge. I'd recognize that plane anywhere -- it's Michael Caine's! Whoa, celebrity appearance. Cool thing is, LJN didn't have to pay the guy any royalties. We're just assuming he's in there. Could be a ringer, who knows?
What's shown above is Jaws' only bonus stage, where You Pilot drops bombs all over a school of swimming jellies. We are so sick and twisted, Jesus Christ. Our reward comes in the form of bonus points, and from knowing that we can seriously kick the crap out of jellyfish even when we're flying planes. We're pretty rockin'. Since rays and jellyfish did nothing to fill up the game's requisite number of cute creatures, LJN cut corners by making the bombs fall down in adorable parachutes. It's even cuter when one of the jellyfish die.
Hey look, a different screen! Why'd the masts get shorter?
Arguably the coolest point in Jaws is when You Diver attains the magical submarine. You don't necessarily need it to kill Jaws, but why pass up on a submarine? Not only does it boost your power, but now you can trade in those lousy spears for an endless supply of proton torpedoes. Obviously, the torpedoes kill fish a whole lot quicker. The sub doesn't really seem large enough to house You Diver, unless he's got the unspoken ability to decrease his own mass at will. No way. If he could do that, he wouldn't waste his time hunting sharks. He'd be on television, getting applauded a lot.
It's time to meet the top dog -- Jaws himself. You've gotten through the repetitive torment of the earlier stages, and now you're powerful enough to gut that son of a bitch in no time. Experienced players would have no trouble at all taking the monster down, but he's still an impressive sight...
And you thought Level-6 Axe-Throwing Bowser was something? Check Jaws out. He's big and he's gray and he's got the most poorly defined blue outline a video game shark could have. And he'll eat you whole. Jaws can attack rather suddenly, and you may be concerned that you'll be caught off-guard. No worries -- there's a power up that'll keep you abreast of ashark:
 
It's a Jaws receiver! A tracking device that exclusively tracks Jawses! One flaw rears its ugly flaw-head immediately, that being the fact that Jaws only turns up by first shoving his giant fin -- approximately the size of your boat -- above the water. Like, dude, we can see him right there. No need for no tracker. Finally, it's time to take the beast OUT. It won't be easy. Actually, it's pretty easy...it just takes a few minutes.
 
See the fin? Hit it! Your first method of attack is from the boat, where You Diver hurls big chocolate bombs at the shark, draining his life energies. After Jaws strikes, we're then forced to take him on in the water. Much more dangerous, but nothing ya can't handle.
Holy man God wow, that's a big shark. Or a small boat, with huge masts. Either way, this game sucks.
 After spearing the shit out of Jaws, it's time to go in for the kill. You Diver is just one hit away from victory, but it's the hardest hit of the game. It's time to break out the strobes. You've only got three of 'em, whatever they are. As in Jaws: The Revenge, we're trying to impale the shark with a big pointy stick thing. That's how Ellen Brody took care of business, and if it's good enough for Ellen Brody...
The trick is, you've gotta stab Jaws right in his white belly. He'll flop to and fro, all over the sea, but only when he's just in front of your strobey thing will you be able to deliver the death blow. Jaws, not really disproving any arguments about sharks being idiots, will just keep hopping up and down trying to give you a clear shot, for however long it takes. Nail the bitch in the right spot, and you're in for a bleeding treat.
You Diver has done it! He's killed Jaws! And he only started hunting for him six minutes ago! Yay for this game.
 
The ending features You Diver (I still think it's Michael Caine) flying off into the sunset, basking in the glow of victory. Elsewhere, Dead Jaws solemnly sinks to the bottom of the sea, never to swim again. Definitely wasn't the kind of ending that'd create any word-of-mouth buzz, but for a game that takes twelve seconds to beat, I guess I shouldn't have expected a Shakespearean epic.
To understand why the game was such a disappointment, you gotta remember -- we paid money for this stuff. It's not like now -- we're not just expending the little effort it takes to download a 15 KB rom file. People plopped out good cash for the game, and though not criminally terrible, it couldn't hold a candle to most of the other titles. Cartridges cannot hold candles. I still love Jaws, and the game's great for curiosity's sake. There haven't been many games based on these movies, and I'd rather have a crappy one than none at all. Man my words are like poetry tonight.
Thankfully, the Jaws franchise is blessed by only being remembered for its good parts. Nobody remembers the shitty sequels, the bad video games, the heroic dolphins from Jaws III -- we just remember the stuff we liked, and this is one shark who'll stay in our good graces. At least until Jaws V: Stay Alive.
-- Matt (4/13/04)
Related Articles: Jaws: The Revenge
- DROP A COMMENT! -
RETURN TO X-E!
|
