Man, I'm on top of the world. I'm the new fry in town. People are going to freak out when they see me. I bet they'll wanna eat me, too. I'll make millions!
Look out, plain old potatoes. Jim McCain Smiley is taking his share. And his share is big. Super big.
Not so fast, Jim! Don't count your potas before they toe. Being the new fry in town might seem nice, and yeah, smiley face shaped French fries sounds like a can't-lose proposition. You've gotta prepare, boy! You've gotta prepare in case people don't flock to your fries quite so voraciously as you're predicting!
I didn't understand a single word of that. And your eyes look like old lady boobies.
You fool! Flippancy leads to failure! Youmous listen! Youmous!
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I too was the new fry once. It was several years ago, actually. I arrived with two other "Funky Fries" varieties, fully prepared to rake in the dough and probably go on tour. Our ad campaign was fierce, and our slogan was pure poetry: "Funky Fries: Good Shit." Alas, my adorers never arrived, and my race quickly died out. I am the last of my kind.
Holy cow! Your fries are fucking blue!
Indeed. That's why they call me "Kool Blue." Because I'm blue, and because I'm cool.
I can't compete with that. Blue dye beats face shapes any day of the week. Thanks for the instant depression, you two-years expired eel.
I'm just looking out for you, friend fry. Hear me out...
I don't want to hear you out. I just want to stare at this giant dancing crab/giraffe mutant that's been performing right behind us this whole time. Isn't she something?
Look Jim, ya can't run away from this. The problem won't go away, but with my help, you can combat its terrible effects!
Did you see that? The crab half just dipped the giraffe half! I so thought it would've gone the other way around.
Stop being such a juvy. You need to prepare!
Pre... Prepare?!
I need to prepare?!
Look here, old man -- I'm a bag of French fries. Of all the shells for a soul to be born within, I drew the absolute suckiest straw of 'em all. My species' lifespan is four weeks. Can't you just let me have this one little moment? Can't you let me enjoy the singular glory of any fry's life?
No to all.
Then you leave me no choice. I didn't want to say anything for fear of hurting your feelings, but my fries are vastly superior to yours. I am the steak fries with the filet mignon; you are au gratin, served with bread. I challenge you to a Frymatch.
A Frymatch?! Are you nuts? You know the regional governor has to approve a Frymatch before we even look at a contract.
Okay, let's call it an unofficial Frymatch.
I'd spit in my palm and shake on it, but look ma no hands.
BLORRRGGH. CHA.
That's disgusting. You're throwing up everywhere.
Look at my fries! Big happy faces! A whole happy potato family! "The Spuds!"
Neat, but not as neat as what I'm about to vomit.
BLOORAWHORAORRGGH.
You're right, that is pretty gross. And Christ, your fries really are blue. Jeez...
Feeling a little inferior are we?
Yeah, because most potatoes wish they were bright fucking blue.
Stop cursing. We're not carrots.
Time to pop these babies in the oven. I know my smiley faces won't fail me.
Even though my blue soldiers expired years ago, Vegas oddsmakers have arrows pointing right at my ass. I can't lose.
How long do you think we should leave them in there for?
More importantly, how are we supposed to get 'em out?
Same way we got 'em in.
I'm not doing that again. What an amazing stunt that was. I'm so glad I was here for it.
Dammit, there's no contest. Your fries are far more peculiar than mine. You win. Guess I better get ready for a trashcan coffin.
"Trashcan coffin?"
I starting speaking before I thought of what to say.
Regardless, just because you're cursed with a short life doesn't mean you can't enjoy the time you have. We fries play hard and live fast.
Look, I know it's a lot to soak in. Life will end sooner than you know it, as will the case be with your family and friends. Being an experimental potato sucks. Fortunately, I've been in your position, and I uncovered ways to dig out from it. I can save you, Jim.
How??
I'll tell you in a moment. First, I've gotta take care of something that's been bugging me for two years now.
Okay, I'm waiting.
BLAGABLAGAORF!
Freezer burn?
Is that what it's called?
I don't know. I'm potatoes. Now how do I get out of this mess?
Be the first of your kind to do something incredible. Go out in a blaze of glory. Get your name in the books. Set the world on fire and burn out in triumph.
Something incredible? Like what?
How about being the first French fry to procreate?
THREE DAYS LATER:
Kool Blue, this is my girlfriend, Easter Pringles. Thanks so much for pushing me into the social scene!
No problem. Nice to meet you, Easter.
Have a wonderful evening and a purple crisp morning, friend.
I love this woman.
So Kool, uh, how are my fries doing so far?
Still in the stores, but sales are starting to fizzle. I'd say you're about two weeks away from the Hefty monster.
Ah frig. Oh well, at least I got myself a girlfriend, just like you suggested. What do you think of her?
Well, I'll say this: you've definitely made history. You're the first French fry to procreate with an asshole.
