RALPHIE: Come on, Flick! I ten trillioniple dog dare you!

FLICK: Ewww, I think I smell bird piss. I'm not licking this!

RALPHIE: What's the matter...chicken? Buck buck buckaw buck!

FLICK: You do the worst chicken imitation I've ever seen.


FLICK: Forget it, Ralphie! I ain't being no pole licker!

RALPHIE: Hah, I knew you didn't have the guts. Tell you what, I'm so sure you don't have the guts that I'd bet my very soul on it. May my spirit be ravaged in Hell for all of eternity if you actually have the cahoonas to lick that telephone pole.

FLICK: Wow.

RALPHIE: What, harsh?

FLICK: No, you just don't usually say things like that. It makes you seem...I dunno, taller.


RALPHIE: So are you gonna lick the pole or what? I mean, you're already making the right face.

FLICK: Fine, I'll do it. And then Satan will eat you!

RALPHIE: Dude wouldn't dare. I taste worse than Lifeboy.

FLICK: I know it.


FLICK: Remember, Ralph -- soon as my tongue hits wood, you're going to Hell.

RALPHIE: My hair looks like half a cantaloupe.


FLICK: I did it! I did it! Ralphie look I'm licking the pole! I'm stuck to the pole! Get me off'a here, and then go to Hell.

Ralphie?? Ralphie madwke widdth thwa thwarm wathrter!


RALPHIE: Hey, this isn't the schoolyard. Why am I surrounded by planks? Why does it smell like fire down here? And where's Flick? FLICK! Flick, I think I grew tiny-sized and got trapped in a crate! Can you hear me? OHHHHHHHH VAAAAAAAHHHHLLL TEEEEEN.


RALPHIE: OHHHHHHH VAAAAAAHHLLLL fudge.

PINHEAD: Welcome to Hell, child. We listen to metal.

RALPHIE: Oh my God! I'm really in Hell?! Darn you, Flick!

PINHEAD: Yeah, it's really Hell. We've got a pretty crappy Hell going on over here.


PINHEAD: I am Pinhead. I exist only to ensure that the universal balance of pain and suffering remains stable. In other words, I'm going to rip the skin off your face before tearing out your intestines using your foot as an entrails scooper. Then I'll say something really witty before removing your still beating heart and forcing a priest to have sex with it.

And, if there's enough time, maybe we'll play some Connect Four.


RALPHIE: You guys do this murder and torture Helly-type stuff pretty often, huh?

PINHEAD: Business has been steady. We just got in a shipment of Monchichis. Now before we dismember you, do you have any last requests?

RALPHIE: I want an official Red Rider carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle.

PINHEAD: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

RALPHIE: So can I have one?

PINHEAD: Absolutely.


CHATTERER: I'm in Hell.


PINHEAD: Would you care to meet the very Cenobites who will soon rip your arms from their sockets?

RALPHIE: Okay. But let's pretend I'm from Scotland, and I'll fake the accent. Tell 'em my name is Scotty.


PINHEAD: On the right is my beloved Chatterer, arguably the second in command. To his right is Barbie, something of a cult figure in this little franchise we've created.

RALPHIE: And who are those two girls?

PINHEAD: I have no fucking idea.


FLICK: RALPHIE I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU SO MANY TIMES!


RALPHIE: Okay, guys...any chance of me making a little deal for my life, here? Perhaps a trade of sorts?

PINHEAD: Hah! Pathetic insect! Do you hear this, my Cenobites? Ralphie seeks to form a pact! With us! That never worked in our movies.

BARBIE: Boss...

PINHEAD: Fine, fine. It didn't work in our fourth movie.


RALPHIE: But you didn't listen to my offer! Spare my life, and you can have this box of Milk Balls!


BARBIE: Milk Ballllllzzzz.*

CHATTERER: Mihihihihihihilk Bahahahahs.*

WIRE TWIN: balls. milk. milk. balls.*

* - not a paid endorsement.


PINHEAD: You fools! You can't seriously be considering this toad's offer, can you?! We live for carnage, not candy.

RALPHIE: Looks like you're out of luck, Pinface. I knew nobody could turn down Milk Balls!

PINHEAD: That chick doesn't even have a stomach. She can't even eat the things!


PINHEAD: Chatterer, you betray me! Give me one good reason we should accept Ralphie's offer.


NOOOOOOOOO


TRANNNNNNNSSSS


FAAAAAAAAT.


PINHEAD: No transfat! You sly devil. You've discovered our weakness....for healthy snacks!

RALPHIE: I so knew this would happen if I ever went to Hell.

PINHEAD: Oh you did not.


PINHEAD: Very well, young Ralphie. You're free to go.

RALPHIE: Can I take a souvenir? Maybe one of the girls?

PINHEAD: If we ever catch you again, know this: Milk Balls will not save the day.

RALPHIE: Pinhead, Milk Balls always save the day.


LATER....

THE OLD MAN: It's a sad state of affairs when the home decor has better legs than my wife.

MOM: Yeah, like I didn't see that one coming.

THE OLD MAN: Help me put this on the mantle.

MOM: Good thing you said "on" and not "in." I'd hate to have to travel 7,000 miles down through the Earth's crust.

THE OLD MAN: Yeah, like I didn't see that one coming.


RALPHIE: Mommy, Daddy! I just went to Hell and I almost died! And now I'm out of Milk Balls!

MOM: Honey, what did I tell you about staring at my chest?

RALPHIE: You don't understand! These monsters were gonna kill me!


MOM: Oh, honey. You just had a bad dream. Everything's fine. You're safe with us.

RALPHIE: If you put a skull in my left hand right now, I could do a great Yorick impression.

MOM: Ralphie, we've already been through this. You wouldn't be performing a Yorick impression, you'd be performing a Hamlet impression. He was the one who said it.

RALPHIE: Why'd they make me read that book anyway? I thought I was too young.

MOM: Honey, are you sure you're feeling all right? You're thirty-six years old.

RALPHIE: Mommy, Hell was so scary!


MOM: Don't worry, baby. It was only a nightmare. Nobody is going to hurt you...


FLICK: JESUS RALPHIE I HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT.

THE END?

-- Matt (5/05/04)

The kickass Hellraiser and A Christmas Story figures used in this article are available from NECA Toys, currently my favorite toy company in the whole wide world.

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