Oh jeez. This whole thing was a terrible idea. I can't believe I'm going to do this two more times. Ironclad deals suck.


Well, here's "Denim." Thrilling. Like the color of jeans, only not at all. If you had to color jeans in, there's like 15 colors more true-to-life than this. Rides up the crotch.


Hey, don't go knocking the "Maroon." You'll soon prefer it over natural "Red," and you'll have a lot of fun alternating between different pronunciations of the color's name. Is it mahwoon or mahr-rhuuuune? I'm not telling.


Haha, as if "Vivid Tangerine" isn't a wacky enough name in of itself, there's a small dent in the wrapper that makes it look more like "Livid Tangerine." And the thought of a tangerine being pissed off makes me want to find a more frequent use for this shitty color that I would otherwise never pluck from the box again. Livid Tangerine!


Okay, "Midnight Blue" is a personal favorite. It's well known in most circles as the best replacement for "Black," and it's probably even better than that most holy of crayons when tacking ugly facial features onto all the assholes in the newspaper. Look, I gave the demon's slut wife a scar!


I'm gonna try to guess which color this is. Let's see...it's mostly purple, but for a twist of lavender with reddish spirit. My gut tells me it's "Lavender Red," and I so wish I named my band that back in high school.


Wait, it's called "Razzmatazz?"


What the Hell is a "Razzmatazz?"


This is my first encounter with "Tropical Rain Forest," a color so blue in its greendom that I can't in good faith use it for doodling trees. If I'm not going to make trees with a crayon called "Tropical Rain Forest," we have a serious problem.


If my costume was fuschia, yall'd hate me.


Another deep blue crayon, this time called "Navy." Excellent for deep water colorations. Though I'm gonna be really ticked later if we find another color in the box called "Navy Blue." Really ticked.


Check out this swank "Jungle Green" crayon. I feel like a monkey just holding it.


"Royal Purple" is regalus maximus; a color so high-end it probably boosts the price of the entire box a full half buck. Is it worth it? Depends on what kind of grapes you prefer coloring. I hope not green grapes!


"Pine Green." My fingers look like guts.


"Shamrock Green" is adequate for all Irish coloring fests, lending realistic beauty to everything from shamrocks to puke. Oh, if this picture's too dark, sorry. There's a really tall guy standing right over there.


"Cerise?" They named a crayon after the guy who pretended to be amputee in Forrest Gump? Where's John Glover's crayon then?


"Copper" is proper, and I can't believe I just made that up. Copper, like its brothers from the gem realm of crayons, is an interesting flavor. You don't use it much, but it's still a never failing favorite. It's just too sparkly and glittery to resist -- like Aquafresh. Though nowhere near as popular as the other gem realmers we'll come across later, holding Copper in my hands makes me feel like I should've cost more than 24.99.


Grab your maracas and prepare to boogie down with two of Crayola's wild party colors, "Mango Tango" and "Jazzberry Jam!" Their importance is noted by the outside-the-box wrapper style, and by the fact that they've got names that literally make my legs tremble in street-cruisin' rhythm. They're pretty good on paper, too -- Mango Tango's a bit on the light side for my taste, but Jazzberry Jam is my new standard skin color for everyone I draw. I love it that much.


I'll be back soon with more. We're only a third of the way through. Does that please you?

-- Spidey