Spider-Man: Hey guys, it's me again! Spider-Man! Back with mooooore Crayola crayons! We're about 33% done, but by the time I finish this chapter, we'll be 75% done. I mean 66%. Yes I have many a crayon to show many a you this evening, but before I do, perhaps a poem is in order...spoken in my patented squeakyvoice:
Fake Zartan: No poems, Spidey.
Spider-Man: Fake Zartan?! But I thought...
Fake Zartan: You thought wrong. When a character gets killed off from a popular series, it's customary for the person who played him to turn up on another, absolutely flailing series.
Spider-Man: Why aren't you wearing the mask?
Fake Zartan: Oh, I'll put it on in a sec. It doesn't have any eyeholes, so I don't like wearing it unless I'm with someone who can make sure I don't walk into THAT BIG MONSTER RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Spider-Man: I'm not turning around.
Fake Zartan: I traveled a long way. You could've humored me.
Fake Zartan: Anyway, this little crayon reviewing routine you've got going...it sucks. Word down the wire is that most people got to the eighth or ninth crayon before tuning out or going to pop balloons on Pogo.
Spider-Man: Eight or nine? Shit. How many did I do in total?
Fake Zartan: I don't know. A thousand or something.
Spider-Man: Eight or nine out of a thousand? Shit.
Fake Zartan: ...so, I figured I'd drop by and try to save your ass. You've got a shitty assignment and there's only so much I can do, but what the hey, right? Better than laying in a box.
Spider-Man: You're being redundant.
Fake Zartan: Anyway, this little crayon reviewing routine you've got going...it kinda sucks. Word down the wire is that most people got to the eighth or ninth crayon before tuning out or going to pop balloons on Pogo.
Spider-Man: That's being repetitive, not redundant, you dropout.
Fake Zartan: Okay, let's get started. You obviously can't review 96 crayons on your own and make it worth watching. You're just not witty enough.
Spider-Man: Maybe not witty, but I'm certainly webby!
Fake Zartan: See, that's exactly the kind of shit I'm talking about.
Spider-Man: In case you didn't notice my giant freakish hand, I'm giving you the finger.
Fake Zartan: Good, you're a quick learner. Crude sells. Like that brown crayon crap joke you made in the last chapter -- that was gold.
Spider-Man: Not gold, brown.
Fake Zartan: Why did you have to ruin it?
Fake Zartan: So we gotta do both of these boxes tonight, huh?
Spider-Man: According to the contract. Then again, I signed it as "Spider-Man."
Fake Zartan: Nah, let's just do 'em both and get it over with. Why extend our misery?
Fake Zartan: Here's...um, "Olive Green." Spidey, listen up for your first lesson: if words fail, draw a comparison to something disgusting.
Spider-Man: Baby diarrhea!
Fake Zartan: Why...yes! Arguably, yes, the crayon's shade is not unlike the color of baby diarrhea. I award you ten points.
Spider-Man: 10 points! What do I get if I make it to 100 points?
Fake Zartan: It's a secret to everyone.
Spider-Man: This crayon is called "Goldenrod." It too is baby diarrhea.
Fake Zartan: No no no!
Fake Zartan: The comparisons have to make some vague sense! It's one of the rules!
Spider-Man: Who writes these rules?
Fake Zartan: I don't know, but I bet they used a crayon.
Spider-Man: Ooooh...waiter, one cymbal crash please!
Fake Zartan: I wish my head would explode.
Fake Zartan: Look Spidey, this is how it's done. First off, I'm knocking out three crayons at once with this one -- :"Salmon," "Sea Green" and "Spring Green!" Secondly, I'm balancing the pink one on my head, so there's an added visual punchline! Finally, I'm doing all these things while wearing a mask without any eyeholes. This is how you generate buzz.
Spider-Man: Errrgh. This is going to be tougher than I thought, but I'll try. Here's "Sepia." It looks like bat shit, and I will illustrate its powers by melting the wax all over my head until there's a cosmetic change large enough for Fake Zartan to compare me with a famous sitcom dad.
Fake Zartan: Hey, can I see that crayon for a sec?
Fake Zartan: Take me to your leader.
Fake Zartan: Hahah, if you could've seen the look on your face! Okay Spidey, you know what that was all about? The element of surprise. Use it.
Spider-Man: Okay. I'll piss on you.
Fake Zartan: It's not a surprise if you announce it first.
Fake Zartan: "Granny Smith Apple," "Cornflower," "Macaroni and Cheese" and "Ink Blue." Cool names for cool crayons.
Spider-Man: Okay, I don't get the point of that line at all. What was funny/interesting about that?
Fake Zartan: Sometimes you have to sacrifice those bits to move things along.
Fake Zartan: My crayon's "Mauvelous!"
Spider-Man: My crayon's "Lavender!"
Spider-Man: Hahaha, your crayon's called 'Mauvelous."
Fake Zartan: Shut up.
Spider-Man: "Mahogany," "Tumbleweed" and "Raw Sienna." All woody crayons.
Fake Zartan: Good job.
Spider-Man: ...but I feel like we're rushing too much and not really saying anything.
Fake Zartan: We could allege this to be the joke.
Fake Zartan: God damn...still a whole box to go.
Spider-Man: I wish I had even a passing interest in finishing this.