Spider-Man: By the way, are you gonna stick around for Part 3?
Fake Zartan: Originally I was, but this hasn't worked out exactly as I'd hoped it would. I'm really not making things any better here.
Spider-Man: Why don't you tell a knock knock joke?
Fake Zartan: I hate those.
Spider-Man: My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Fake Zartan: Crayola calls this one "Violet Red." Spidey -- any thoughts?
Spider-Man: Not a bad color, actually. Good for when you need to color something pink but don't want to use any of those pussy ass light pinks that never work right.
Fake Zartan: Anything else?
Spider-Man: I wish I knew how to skateboard.
Spider-Man: Hey, this one's pretty weird -- "Dandelion!"
Fake Zartan: Dandelion? Like the flower?
Spider-Man: I guess. I used to pick those all the time.
Fake Zartan: I used to pick them and eat them.
Spider-Man: Here's "Gray." Gray's interesting...outside of castle brick, I don't use it for much of anything. Except maybe stormy clouds, anything metal, coins and rocks. And a few dozen other things. Hmmm...guess I use Gray a lot. It's my new favorite crayon.
Spider-Man: Here's "Timberwolf." It's jockin' Gray's shtick.
Spider-Man: And this one's "Sky Blue." It's what you color skies in with for daytime scenes. Blah blah blah...
Fake Zartan: Okay, I think we've run out of steam here. Time to try something different.
Spider-Man: Should we eat each crayon after identifying it?
Fake Zartan: As a last resort yes, but for now, let's just draw some stuff and show off our art.
Spider-Man: Here's "Cerulean," and here's a drawing of me holding "Cerulean." It's like holding a mirror to a mirror and trying to count the endlessly mirrored scenes.
Fake Zartan: "Cadet Blue" is a few shades lighter than "Cerulean," but it's way more evil. I've proven this by drawing a monster way too terrible for "Cerulean" to handle.
Spider-Man: I've finally finished my book, using only a "Chestnut" crayon and a folded up piece of paper. Most people need grants, quiet and decades of life experience. All I needed was "Chestnut!"
Spider-Man: On the first page, the Sun is smiling. On the last page, the Moon is smiling. My book is Happiness Center day and night!
Fake Zartan: Ah ha! "Peach," a rather infamous color. Before Crayola released a natural flesh tone, this is what most people used for Caucasian skin.
Spider-Man: What did they use for black skin?
Fake Zartan: Brown.
Spider-Man: So "Peach" for whities, "Brown" for blackies. That doesn't make sense at all.
Fake Zartan: Hey, why are you goofing off?
Spider-Man: Calm down...I'm just relaxing, taking in a little sun.
Fake Zartan: Sun?! We're indoors!
Spider-Man: Then how do you explain this "Tan?!"
Fake Zartan: Well played! Bravo!
Spider-Man: "Scarlet," like the hot chick from Clue. Or was that Ms. White? Damn sure wasn't Ms. Peacock.
Fake Zartan: "Green Yellow." It's your post-asparagus piss in crayon form. Good for coloring swampy areas, "Green Yellow" closely resembles "Yellow Green," to the point where there's virtually no difference and serves as another potential suit against Crayola for CRAYON FAKIN.
Spider-Man: On top, "Melon." On boddum, "Wisteria." Separate, they're plainly worthless crayons. Few situations will call for objects to be colored "Melon," and if you can think of a use for "Wisteria," you are the second coming. Yet, when mixed together, "Wisteria" and "Melon" become more than the sloppily cobbled term, "Melonisteria." And a one and a two and a...
Spider-Man: See? Mix 'em together and you get Gumby's sister! What was her name...Sally?
Minga: It's Minga you idiot.
Spider-Man: Shut up you clay whore before I plug a tile gap with your ass.
Fake Zartan: Here's "Apricot," and I think we're done. I'm not coming back for Part 3, Spidey.
Spider-Man: I figured.
Fake Zartan: Sorry dude...there's just nothing to work with here. I've got a career to think about.
Spider-Man: I wish I had a real apricot.
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