As the summer season draws near its close for another year, I find myself reaching and grabbing at everything happy and sunny, hoping for one last high of the type only summer can bring. I'm lying. But what a beautiful story it would be; the end-all, be-all introduction for an article about s'mores-making machines in early September. Nobody understands me.
It's true -- you can pick from any number of official s'mores cookers, ranging from the terminally adolescent to the kind you'd use to, dare I say, impress the in-laws. The need for such machines should be obvious, what with the prior difficulty and near impossibility of cooking s'mores and all. Face it, we were failing. Our sticks had proved futile, providing marshmallows that had either left half their body in the fire or were so charred beyond control that the best we could do was drink them. We had our chance, we blew it. Now it's the machines' turn, faced with only one mission: make s'mores better than humans can. If they succeed, who knows what'll be next on their list of social facets to conquer. Maybe...V..C..R..sah. VCRs.
I've chosen two s'mores cookers from completely opposite sides of the spectrum, each offering positives and negatives not shared by the other. You'll be able to decide for yourselves which machine best suits your evil wants. I have my own opinions, but none strong enough to stand by.
On the left, Hershey's S'mores Maker, taking advantage of a gimmick brought to new heights long ago by the E.Z. Bake Oven, later followed by things like the Marshmallow Peeps Maker and that robot that cooks Cracker Jacks. This is an oven for kids, safe enough for virtually all ages. Made mostly of plastic, the device is shaped like an old fashioned campfire, incidentally looking exactly like the more modern day campfire. I guess they don't change not ever.
Casamoda of Some Other Country presents the second, more adult-oriented device. The Indoor/Outdoor S'Mores Maker has double the class of a fondue kit, and triple the balls because it's trying to present burnt marshmallows and Hershey's chocolate as an east side hor'dourves. Never before have we wore tuxedos while cooking s'mores, and never before were our marshmallow cooking sticks color-coded for our convenience. Three times fast, try it. "Casamoda" is French for "click here for shrimp madness".
The tale of the tape is told on each contender's packaging; the Hershey's version features a youth likening the cooking of s'mores to seeing Satan screwing his mother with the top of a broken wine bottle. The Indoor/Outdoor Ambiancal Upscaler displays a more mature, chill setting where a group of yuppies mash graham crackers atop gooey marshmallows while discussing the Republican National Convention's affect on local traffic. We're seeing two completely different moods, here. One s'mores machine helps you live it up, the other helps you react as if you've seen Satan bottlefuck your mom. And Holy Christ, look at that Indoor/Outdoor pic. That coffee cup is huge!
I had the nails, all I needed was a hammer. Some of you may have thought up additions or alternatives to the formal ingredients -- peanut butter is suggested in one the machine's guidebooks. You never really consider how terrible s'mores are for you when you're out by a nighttime campfire. You're just stoned and wanting s'mores. On the upside, at least now you don't have to live under the false pretense that you're not eating any tiny burnt up gnats and bugs along with your s'more. With a s'mores machine, the process can be done completely indoors to avoid such incidents entirely. I think that's why they're 29.99 instead of 24.99.
Article continued below advertisement: Visit our sponsors to support the site!
Both of the machines look good, albeit in different ways. The Hershey's S'Mores Maker is for all intents a repackaged Lite Brite, offering nothing more than a low-watt bulb's low-watt light. They've done a good job of making it appear much more grandiose -- as if the virtual campfire isn't enough, the marsh-pokers are actually patterned after real life sticks. Casamoda's Indoor/Outdoor S'Mores Maker looks like it must be hiding eight electronic functions and a digital clock -- it's high grade stuff. You have to buy a chaffing dish to work it, providing a very real fire complete with a tiny stovetop so you can add grill marks to the graham crackers.
The Indoor/Outdoor device is also victorious for being able to cook s'mores in under four hours. Hershey's version cannot say the same.
You can tell a lot about a s'mores maker by what kind of equipment it employs to stab and kill marshmallows. Hershey's is a traditionalist's delight, but only Casamoda's poker doubles as a spare tool for when an uninvited guest drops by on shish kabob night. Not that an uninvited guest would deserve shish kabob, but no harm in being prepared.
Admittedly, Hershey's S'Mores Maker is loads of fun to frig around with. It's eye-pleasing, and for at least the first ten seconds, it's really hands-on. After impaling a marshmallow, you fit the poker in preset grooves and let the candy roast slowly, very very slowly, over a metal-covered lightbulb that gives out about as much heat as a pocket warmer. The instructions claim that it'll take 4-5 minutes for the marshmallow to be "done," but no joke, I stopped counting in the 15-20 range. The old adage about watched pots never boiling isn't necessarily true. It's frustrating to watch and wait, but boil they shall. With the Hershey's S'Mores Maker, it's official: a watched mallow will never marsh. I can't imagine many eight-year-olds putting up with it, and attribute this solely to the rise in the amount of s'mores eaten raw over the past six months. Damn you Hershey's. Damn you to Hersh.
Here's a flashless pic of the illuminated Hershey's S'Mores Maker. The semi-translucent plastic shield magnifies the light, almost causing you to wrongly consider the device as a heat source. Need I remind you, those marshmallows ain't meltin' for a good 6-8 weeks. You'll have the monogrammed potholders from Lillian Vernon before they're done.
As an aside, one of many to come, the plastic yellow shield would convey a whole lot more charm had they didn't etch on 10,000 warnings about electric shocks and potential explosions. The experience is something, but not quite what it could be.
Hershey's presents a slow moving process, but Casamoda cooks the things in seconds flat. The sterno breathes fire just beneath the stovetop, and yes, those cute ceramic ingredient bowls are included with the set. To be honest, the technology involved here seems wasted on something so easily cooked as s'mores -- this thing is just as well suited for a big plate of ribs, with each of the white containers easily converted to sauce dipping bowls. If you're the type of person who truly savors the cooking of s'mores, this might not be the best kit for you. It all happens so fast. You won't have a chance to ponder life's mysteries for even a moment before your marshmallow catches fire and starts stinking. Despite the party atmosphere pictures shown on the box, this is really the s'mores machine for the guy on the go.
The graham crackers and chocolate await their favorite candidate for a threesome. Let's see the gooey nominees...
Jesus, they're still cooking. I'm not showing the pictures entirely in order; in fact, I'd already completed four rounds of s'mores on Casamoda's doodad before Hershey even finished melting the first two marshmallows. "Melt" being a strong word, because even nearing a half hour on the grill, the white puffs had barely lost shape. The slight downward thrust could be credited just as much to gravity than the heat lamp. Of all the cooking toys we've reviewed on X-E, this one is sadly the least active. It looks cooler than the rest, but the damn thing does nothing. Perhaps I could modify the mechanics, add a pump and turn the bitch into a desktop tranquility fountain.
Meanwhile, Casamoda's basically kicked the shit out of every marshmallow placed within a foot of it. Not sure if everyone likes their mallows burnt, but I do. The more charred the better. I'm a sucker for all that gruesome black shit topping a burnt marshmallow, probably a throwback to my scab-picking obsession of adolescence. Whatever the case, there's no denying Casamoda's superiority in the functionality department. In babytalk, that means it murders marshmallows faster.
Okay folks, here they are -- the finished s'mores. On the left is Casamoda's version, a remarkably clean model of perfection with flame broiled graham crackers and chocolate just gooey enough to make you thank God for heat. On the right is Hershey's creation, which didn't turn out anywhere near as bad as I'd predicted. Course, the s'more shown above took almost an hour to cook, but I'm going to forgive that because the marshmallow goo looks so much like Stay Puft after the Ghostbusters blew him up. If I had a Walter Peck action figure, I'd be dunking his head all over this shit.
It's all about personal preference, I suppose. I like 'em burnt, others may desire a s'more just barely gooey. It's not up to me to tell you which is better. It's not up to me, the other guy, the other other guy, or the cartoon moose on the Hershey's S'mores Maker box.
Oh wait, that's a cow. Wow. My foundation is a rockin'.
