We paid Atlantic City a visit this weekend, and I hit the jackpot. No, not at the slots or tables -- they were all unforgivingly cold and bastard-like -- but outside, on the boardwalk. There rested some of the seediest souvenir shops and 99 cent store known to the east coast, places I am fully familiar with but nonetheless surprised by something each time I go to them.
In one such shop, a decrepit wire spinner (probably not the technical term) boasted a Hungarian smorgasbord of old Hustler-version-of-Adams'-Playboy gags, pranks, tricks and bullshit. From the fake puke steering to the squirting gum swabbing the decks, nearly every dumb gag toy in history was represented. My youthful obsession with the Johnson Smith catalog has led me to become acquainted with virtually every last one of them, though the sheer excitement of getting 'em all at once was nearly overwhelming. What happened next is a bit of a blur -- I remember the cashier lady's confused look, the impatience of the unearthly customers who waited on line as I checked out, and the distinct stench of "cover-up ammonia," meaning someone got sick in the back. Next thing I knew, we were trying to fit 64,000 packs of squirt gum and enough garlic candy to slay Blade in my friend's trunk.
Though two or three of the items are just a few years old, the rest are dated 1989. Impulse items shouldn't take sixteen years to sell out. Then they're not very good impulse items. If you've ever wandered to the disrespected far corner of a dignified magic shop, if you ever ordered crap from the back of a Starlog, or if you're a hilarious jokester who just can't be stopped, you'll probably remember of few of these armadillos:
This article is a video game! Click on your desired product from either of the two spreads up above, and an eighty bit window will pop up, containing my thoughts, their thoughts, and most importantly, picccctures. If anyone wants this stuff, it's hanging in a plastic bag on the tallest branch in Redwood Forest. I don't want it, but it shouldn't be that easy for you.
