If you've been keeping up to date with my Kool-Aid articles, you know the drill with the Wacky Warehouse. By collecting and saving the "Kool-Aid points" on the back of each and every package of the stuff, kids could ultimately trade 'em on in for various pieces of wonderful crap. Honestly one of our generation's best and most inspired promotions, the Wacky Warehouse filled our little heads with sugar and visions of well-stamped beautiful brown boxes laying by the door to the house. For the Purplesaurus Rex edition of "The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man," it of course stood to reason that most of the offered products needed to be either purple or dinosaur-themed. This was of particular interest during those sweet, grapey debut months of Purplesaurus Rex, as it came not with one Kool-Aid point on the back of the package...
But two! Now check the goods, and keep your chin clean...
Now let's be honest -- nothing shown on the above page would've excited us at the toy store. The real attraction lied in the whole process, from cutting the points off the package to mailing the Kool-Aid Man your order form to waiting with baited breath and prison bitch lips for the brown mailer boxes to arrive. We may have been impatient, and yes, we might've uttered our first curse words in direct reaction to having to wait so long for a crappy iron-on Purplesaurus Rex shirt to arrive, but in hindsight, it was all about the anticipation -- and the work involved. We didn't get Kool-Aid junk just by begging our parents. We had to earn it. By drinking a lot of Kool-Aid.
Most of the stuff is utterly worthless, but it's not like testimonials couldn't be forged around the glories of slipping your dick between comic panels 5 and 6 on the Kool-Aid boxer shorts and pissing before the punch line. And the purple mugs are perfect for September 17, the nationally recognized Purple Day.
Let's not discount the merits of the Kool-Aid Wacky Belt Pack, either. Who could forget the sordid, twisted fanny pack fad? Fanny packs, usually made of only the cheapest materials available in the most sense-assaulting neon colors, had the ability to make anyone and everyone who wore them look like skin-wasting finger-licking rat idiots. For a time, everyone wore them. Our keys, change, notes and lucky charms all dangled above our collective crotch.
I'm not sure if having a fanny pack with the Kool-Aid Man on it would make you any less likely to get kicked out of that chic new bistro down on Superstar Boulevard, but at least, when you were, someone on the street would shout "oh yeah" instead of just laughing at you.
There's a few items available on the order form page that weren't seen on the catalog spread -- namely, the Awesome Dude doll, essentially the same as any other Kool-Aid Man plushie save for the fact that this one wears old lady beach sunglasses. Featured closer to the top is the then-ongoing promotion between Kool-Aid and bowling alleys across the nation. If you didn't want to blow your points on Kool-Aid fanny packs or Purplesaurus shirts, you could use 'em for free bowling games! How the suits paired up Kool-Aid and bowling is beyond normal human comprehension, but through the magical technology of the cybernetic space cube, I've tapped into the past and heard all about how it went down. A transcript:
Guy: We need to push Kool-Aid. I have an idea.
Another Guy: Make it taste better? A new kind of ad campaign? What?
Guy: Well, what do you mix Kool-Aid inside of?
Another Guy: A pitcher.
Guy: Right, and a pitcher is like a bowl. Now, name the first suffix that springs to mind.
Another Guy: Uhh...I dunno...uhhh...let's say "ing."
Guy: Exactly my point! "Bowl" plus "ing" equals bowling! We should mix bowling with Kool-Aid!
Another Guy: I think that's bowlliant! Now our workers will have no reason to go on strike! We'll have money to spare!
Guy: We'll be able to use this vast new wealth to attract a bevy of attractive ladies, I bet.
Another Guy: Get your mind out of the gutter!
And then they were both eaten by tigers. Let's play that famous game of imagination again: If you had 650 Kool-Aid points, how would you spend 'em here? The Purplesaurus T-shirt, though absolutely unwearable in public, is a must-have. That takes me down to 540. I think I'd soak up the Wacky Card and Wacky Kazoo on merits of cheapness alone, knocking my points down to 524. It'd be nice to get something electronic, so I guess the Wacky Cassette Player wins by default. We're down to 289. Hmm...now that I look at this, one could get almost everything offered with 650 points. I'll skip the boxer shorts and take the rest. There, I'm done.