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If you read this entire article and watch each of the dozen videos, I'll have successfully killed 20 minutes of your day. Haha, I'm gonna kill part of your day. Presenting, twelve more classic commercials from the '80s, covering everything from dual-chamber packaged hamburgers to underwear that turned kids into robots. And reggae fruit! Enjoy!
  
The Secret of the Sword Movie Trailer:
At the height of He-Man's popularity, Mattel decided to hedge their bets on a spinoff series -- She-Ra: Princess of Power. Essentially "Masters of the Universe 4 Girlz," She-Ra did more for the women's movement than what's-her-face, what's-her-face and Sporty Spice combined. It all started in The Secret of the Sword, the first and only theatrical release of a He-Man cartoon, introducing Princess Adora as He-Man's long-lost sister with the POWAA to transform herself into someone prettier and sword-wielding.
The trailer does a nice job of making the movie seem a whole lot more action-packed than it actually was, but more importantly, it throws a major wrench into everything I've ever believed, because I completely forget that this thing was actually in theaters. I definitely saw and definitely loved The Secret of the Sword as a child, but if memory serves, I caught it on a VHS rented for me by Mommy when I was home sick from school one day. I don't mean this for any intended comedy purpose, but even then, the relationship between He-Man and She-Ra -- siblings -- struck me as being a bit off. It was as if they'd written, storyboarded and animated the thing with the intent of making the heroes love interests, balked at the last second and mashed a few changes into the script before doing the voice-over reads. Put it this way: If I had to hitch a ride on my sister's flying unicorn, I'd keep my crotch at a safe four inch distance from her ass. He-Man did not. He-Man was all up in She-Ra's shit. I reviewed the fantastic film a long time ago, but this trailer is much more successful at making it look cool.
 Click here to download the Secret of the Sword trailer! (.WMV file -- Thanks Roman!)
 
Pepsi: The Choice Of A New Generation:
Most of you know the story, but I've got to fill space somehow. In 1985, the folks at Coca-Cola embarked on an adventure that they still haven't completely lived down. That adventure has come to be known as "New Coke." Trying to recapture some lost sales (but keep in mind, Old Coke was in anything but trouble), the company revised the formula to something a little sweeter, not entirely different but definitely not the same. Had they done it on the DL, the situation wouldn't have become so dire. They still would've ultimately gone back to the original formula, but the story wouldn't have made so many scathing newspapers. The biggest problem was in the advertising: For something so vilified, the spectacle Coca-Cola made over New Coke's arrival just pissed everyone off even more. Nobody knows the exact breakdown on the percentage of people who loved New Coke and the percentage of people who hated New Coke, but this much is true: The people who hated New Coke were far, far noisier.
The fiscal disaster was nothing compared to the brand damage, because even though Coca-Cola admitted defeat and switched back to their original formula, they'd pretty much spent a year telling us that the original formula wasn't good enough. Fortunately, it's just soda, and people are more interested in just drinking soda than figuring out where it went wrong. Kicking its chief competitors in the balls as they were already curled in a ball on the floor, Pepsi whipped up an ad campaign that played out like a PSA against drug use.
In the ad, a typical teenager broods dramatically in her bedroom, wondering aloud: "Why did Coke change?" Insinuating that everyone in the Coca-Cola kingdom were wishy-washy pants-fire liars, she decides to try her first can of Pepsi, which was really incredible because a can of Pepsi just happened to be right there next to her. After just one sip, she understands why Coke changed. They were trying to catch up to this awesome Pepsi stuff. Cue ominous voice-over: "Pepsi. The choice of a new generation." The girl in this ad would later be eaten by several puppy-faced CG polar bears.
Click here to download the Pepsi Generation commercial! (.WMV file)
 
Super Naturals Action Figures:
Where were you? All of you, where were you? So many people fondly recall afternoons spent with Autobots and Deceptions, with the Joes and Cobra; hell, even with the Lightning League and the Monster Minds. And yet, so few seem to remember Tonka's Super Naturals, one of the decade's greatest toy lines, and one of my all-time favorites. 3D hologram technology was a hot, new thing at the time, and as I've mentioned in some old article I can no longer remember, it wasn't uncommon for families to pay hundreds of dollars for a holographic sad clown pictures framed and hung in the middle of the TV room. Super Naturals toys duplicated the process, but did it at a fraction of the price and gave us neat action figures to boot.
The figures, well-detailed and substantially larger than was the norm at the time, each came with protective plastic chest armor that could be popped off to reveal hot, hot holograms inside. The excellent holograms switched between images of the characters' natural states and the characters', for lack of a better term, "totem animals." Like, the lead bad guy would switch from a fleshy demon to an outright skeleton. Things like that. Then Tonka took it a step further and gave everyone glow-in-the-dark weapons. They were just amazing toys in every respect, and it's tough to understand why they were so short-lived.
My unequivocal love for Super Naturals is evidenced by one of the villain figures, named "Burnheart." Clad in black and totally badass, I was so smitten with this dickhead toy that I went so far as to name Burnheart the absolute LEADER of ALL my action figures -- even above all of the other bosses in my toy kingdom, like Jabba, Mumm-Ra, Mon-Star and, inexplicably enough, Louie The Plumber from the C.O.P.S. series. There were definitely hierarchies and caste systems within the realm of my action figures, but everyone took orders from Burnheart. Everyone. If they didn't, he'd flop off his chestpiece and scare them with patented holographic fire. That's all he needed to do. No swords, no swearing, no biting flippant G.I. Joe warriors on the black rubber band that kept their hipbones connected to their... (drums) backbones. All he had to do was stand around looking all Witch King-esque. Burnheart rocked.
Click here to download the Super Naturals commercial! (.WMV file)
 
Fruity Marshmallow Krispies Cereal:
My favorite commercial in today's bunch, here we have the absolutely joyous ushering-in of "Fruity Marshmallow Krispies," the cereal that let Snap, Krackle and Pop strike back at Lucky, Count Chocula and the many other would-be usurpers who vied for the love of children by way of marshmallows. If Rice Krispies narrowly treaded the line between "healthy cereal" and "party in kids' mouths cereal," the Fruity Marshmallow version was, for all intents, the Studio 54 of crappy breakfast.
Adding a few marshmallows to regular Rice Krispies might not seem like that big of a deal, and it wasn't, but the presentation was just amazing. The commercial featured Snap and his posse running a conga line with a bunch of anthropomorphic fruit characters, all set to a reggae theme song that I've been humming to myself for the past 48 hours: "Fruity Marshmallow Krispies...orange, lemon, raspberry, grape -- they're snap, crackin' and poppin'...with lots of fruit taste!" Only, when they said it, "grape" and "taste" rhymed. It's really one of the best kid stuff ads of its decade. The cereal itself came packaged in a tropical green box, and though General Mills no longer makes it, I like to pretend they do whenever life sucks.
Click here to download the Fruity Marshmallow Krispies commercial! (.WMV file)
 
D.J. Kat Versus Jake "The Snake" Roberts:
I'm a little sketchy on the details of The D.J. Kat Show, partly because I've seen it in a few different formats with a few different casts. Sometimes, it'd actually be a TV show, running for a full 30 minutes and totally involving the title cat. Other times, which I remember more clearly, D.J. Kat would star in a series of interstitials to bump in and out of regularly airing cartoon shows. Like, instead of someone saying that a particular show would "be right back," you'd see D.J. Kat eat fishbones off of a rotting pizza. In its ultimate form, D.J. Kat's co-host was some cute brunette who later left the show and crushed everything I ever liked about it, because the romantic tension between said cat and said cute brunette was not lost on me, and it really made watching cartoon reruns more interesting.
Whether you remember it as a show or as a series of shorts, there was no clear explanation on what The D.J. Kat Show was actually about. Dressed in a leather jacket and hiding out in an alley or something, many special guests somehow found their way into D.J. Kat's lair, and this ad promotes one of those historic appearances, by none other than wrestling superstar Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Apparently, D.J. was talking big about how he could kick anyone in the WWF's ass, and since he's on television, Jake was privy to hearing the challenge. Knowing how far from grace and God and everything light and fluffy Jake would fall in later years, it's both hysterical and sort of upsetting to see him shirtlessly waltz onto the set of The D.J. Kat Show. I assume they became friends in the end, but hopefully only after a DDT and some steel chair smashes.
Click here to download the DJ Kat Show commercial! (.WMV file)
 
G.I. Joe "Free Fridge!" Action Figure Offer:
I never watched football, so when I think of William "The Refrigerator" Perry, the only thing I have to go on is his brief appearance in the battle royal match at Wrestlemania 2. Fortunately, as a G.I. Joe character, he wears a football jersey and nails Cobra troops in the head with a football-on-a-string, so I'm able to put two and two together to get ten and ten hut hikes or whatever the fuck it is. Yes, the "Fridge" was immortalized as a G.I. Joe figure.
Best of all, the Fridge was free, if you consider needing five proofs-of-purchase from other action figures and having to pay a 1.00 handling charge "free." I will, for the sake of positivity. The commercial promotes both the figure and a special number kids could call to find out how to get the Fridge with just four proofs-of-purchase. The call itself cost fifty-cents, dramatically decreasing the discount but nonetheless being an attractive offer because, holy Christ, who wouldn't want to call the Fridge?
Click here to download the Fridge G.I. Joe commercial! (.WMV file)
 
Watch 'N Play Game:
In this sixty-second spoof of a special news bulletin, two General Mills kids let the world know if they've won Sony Watchmans in the "Watch 'N Play Game," a sweepstakes where children worked their grimy hands down the boxes of various cereals for could-be-winning game cards featuring character art of all the cereal greats, from the Trix Rabbit to Lucky the Leprechaun.
For the shot at a Sony Watchman, kids must've been eating a shitload of Trix. I owned one of the devices -- I was so enamored with the idea of watching television on the go that I saved up every penny I could for months and months, finally buying the thing for around 200 bucks, if memory serves. The Watchman, with a screen smaller than a Game Boy's and only capable of delivering sitcoms in black-and-white, never seemed to work properly. I'd occasionally get a channel or two in clearly, but for the most part, I had to sit next to our big television to make my little one work. This is why I spent so many weekends of my childhood blowing up the spouses and children of anyone I caught working for Sony. 200 bucks is a lot to me now; as a kid, it was the equivalent of selling my promising island reservation to out-of-towners for beads.
Click here to download the Watch 'N Play Game commercial! (.WMV file)
 
The Transformers Double Spy:
Commercials for Transformers toys were a mixed bag, but this is one of the best of 'em all. Though they only refer to the new figure as "Double Spy" in the ad, he's actually named "Punch-Counterpunch," the only Autobot who could transform into a Decepticon. While I'd much prefer to believe that Punch-Counterpunch played both sides and was in business only for himself, various appearances and official paperwork name him as an Autobot who infiltrates the Decepticons by...well, changing his sticker, I guess. The best part was, whenever Punch the Autobot became Counterpunch the Decepticon, he changed not only in appearance, but also in demeanor, acting completely belligerent and bitchy as any Decepticon should. It was a tricky fine line and it didn't entirely make sense, but boy, in a world where I TURN INTO CAR AND FIGHT YOU WHO TURN INTO PLANE, Punch-Counterpunch was a complex motherfucker.
It wasn't the greatest action figure in the series. It wasn't even close. But the commercial, by God, the commercial made me want that thing to the point where other people would swear that "that thing" could cure my diseases. Featuring a mix of animated skits and toy footage, we kick off with Punch telling Rodimus Prime that "he can trust him," only to transform, stroll up to Galvatron as Counterpunch and say the same. Awesome. A couple of other Transformers toys are advertised in the same ad, but make no mistake, if you saw it, you left wanting the Double Spy. Because he was a tortured soul. Because he came with two different robot heads.
Click here to download the Transformers Doublespy commercial! (.WMV file)
 
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups:
Okay, so nothing's ever going to top the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup campaign where cup-lovers from all walks of life explained their personal process of eating Peanut Butter Cups. To this day, I can't eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup without busting out my Vlad impression and commenting on how "I like to eat the PEAnut budder..firrrst." Sure, nothing will top that, but this comes close. A lesser-known but still totally-worth-worshipping Reese's Peanut Butter Cup campaign came just slightly earlier. Several ads were forged to capitalize on the burgeoning home video gaming craze, and of all the ads I've seen, this one rules the roost.
Two kids are seen playing what's obviously meant to be a ColecoVision; one of the kids guides a jar of peanut butter through a Pac-Man maze, while his opponent navigates a lone chocolate bar through the same maze. When their "characters" collide, they play the blame game with each other until realizing that neither of them lost a life, but instead, merged into the ultimate stupid video game character: A package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
The best part of the ad happens when the cut back to the kids after they accidentally create video game peanut butter cups. They've been rewarded with candy, and upon taking their first bites of Reese's Cups, we get some killer dialog:
KID 1: Mmm! Reese's!
(long pause)
KID 2: (growling) Yyyeaheh!
When KID 2 says "Yyyeaheh," he does it almost mockingly. He knows he's being contrived and he hopes being dicky about it gets him off the hook. There's two schools of thought. First school: If you're eating Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with a friend who says "mmm..Reese's" after each bite, the most you'll give him back is a "yeah." Second school: Actor behind the mask was a prodigy of irony, and stuck it to the director by intentionally making his line sound even more stupid than it was.
Click here to download the Reese's Video Game commercial! (.WMV file)
 
Kenner's Star Wars Return of the Jedi Sweepstakes:
I spent the earlier part of my childhood thinking "Star Wars" meant "Return of the Jedi," because that's the first one I saw. Caught it in theaters with my parents as a fucking four-year-old and was scared shit of Jabba the Hutt. Spent the entire movie turned completely around in my seat, watching the action in the tiny-sized reverse mirror image on the window pane in front of the projector. Fun times. I eventually saw the first two movies on VHS (though it'd take an inconceivably long time for me to see "Empire"), but when I think of the Star Wars franchise in correlation with my happy happy youth, I think of Jedis returning and Emperors cackling and big slugs mackin' it to ladies-in-loincloths.
At the time, there was nothing on the planet I loved more than Star Wars toys, and to "celebrate" ROTJ's release, Kenner came out with approximately 740,000 new Star Wars toys. I didn't have them all, but I came damn close. This commercial marks the impending arrival of these new toys with "Kenner's Star Wars Return of the Jedi Sweepstakes," and I swear that's the official name. They wouldn't trim it. Assholes would NOT trim it. The grand prize included a trip to see the special premiere of "Return of the Jedi" along with a complete collection of Kenner's Star Wars Return of the Jedi toys. Interesting but easily explained, all of the toys shown in the commercial were from the first two movies. Kenner was forced to be real tightlipped on what the new toys were going to look like, as any glances of them would give customers some mild spoilers on the unreleased movie. This is the reason some of the action figure cardbacks featured big black blotches over where pictures of new ROTJ action figures originally were. I know that now, but as a kid, I thought some punks with Zippos used to break into Toys 'R' Us at night to make little scorch marks on Star Wars toy packaging for no real reason.
Click here for an example. We weren't allowed to see Ewoks!
Click here to download the Return of the Jedi Sweepstakes commercial! (.WMV file)
 
McDonald's McD.L.T.:
"Keep the hot side hot, and the cool side cool." The McDonald's "McD.L.T." was, I guess, a smaller Big Mac in a bigger package. The idea was that people were damned sick and tired of getting burgers with nigh-blanched tomatoes and lettuce, and by offering the McD.L.T. in an oversized, compartmentalized Styrofoam container, customers were free to add the top bun, lettuce and tomato to the steamier bottom bun and burger just prior to scarfing it down. The idea wasn't without merit -- if you've ever ordered a fast food burger and were lucky enough to get it right after it was prepared, the relative freshness of the extracurricular ingredients definitely made for better eating. With a tremendous kickoff ad campaign and hype that went well beyond what any hamburger should reasonably receive, the McD.L.T. was indeed a popular offering. So, where did it go?
There have been many theories as to why the McD.L.T. went extinct, and they all have something to do with the sandwich's packaging. Styrofoam was becoming a less-than-popular product in terms of fast food packaging by the time McD.L.T. arrived, because apparently, styrofoam isn't biodegradable and is quite capable of destroying mankind at large if left to its own devices. This was a major strike against the McD.L.T., because its unique dual-chamber package meant that it used twice as much styrofoam as was really necessary. So, that's one theory: McDonald's canned it because people who cared about Earth got pissy. I find the second theory more believable, though. Despite its dual-chamber package, any McD.L.T. sandwiches that weren't immediately sold still sat on warm metal shelves. While the lettuce and tomato had successfully avoided burnage-by-burger, they were still getting mighty toasty laying around on the racks. If people were actually persuaded to pay extra for cold lettuce, you can bet they'd be pissed if the lettuce was anything but that. Factor in that a prepared McD.L.T. needed twice as much store space as any other McDonald's burger, and you've got plenty of reasons for its short-livedosity.
In this particular McD.L.T. commercial, a bunch of high schoolers goof on each other as they eat the holy burger, giving us clear view of the method of preparing a McD.L.T. once you got to the table -- you simply "flip together" the two compartments. Simple, but putting myself in the mind of the little kid I was when this ad aired, I would've been begging and pleading for a chance to do the same. Food's always better when it's an activity.
Click here to download the McDonald's McDLT commercial! (.WMV file)
 
Underoos Superheroes:
Watching any of the old Underoos commercials can be a bit unsettling in today's protective world, because as innocent as the intentions may have been, you just can't get away with having four-year-olds parade around in panties anymore. This commercial isn't so heavy on stuff-that-should-be-censored, but it's even more notable for other reasons. In it, kids literally transform into their favorite cartoon characters as they yank up their briefs -- everyone from He-Man to Lion-O. At the end of the ad, one of the kids turns into Optimus Prime, and the bootleg animation really shines once you notice that they gave Prime a human face beneath his mask. The allure of Underoos and other cartoon-based pajama sets was similar to that of a Halloween costume. If we were only as powerful as our underwear, most of us would've preferred to have Optimus Prime's fist obscuring our assholes.
Click here to download the Underoos commercial! (.WMV file)
That's all for this round. I have nothing to top kids turning into robots by way of underwear.
-- Matt (3/19/06)
PREVIOUS FEATURES STARRING OLD COMMERCIALS:
Commercials, Volume 12213
Commercials, Volume 0SLSL2
Commercials, Volume XX2939
Commercials, Volume 4HD-616
Stupid Anti-Drug PSAs
Commercials from the 1984 Macy's Thanksgiving Parade
Commercials from the 1985-1986 Macy's Thanksgiving Parades
Commercials from the 1987 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
Commercials from the 1989 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
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