Really Hard Plastic Turtle: 49 cents, 49 years old, 49 different inappropriate color schemes available. This appears to have been modeled after the infamous box turtle, but it's not easy to pay much attention to the details when they've colored it in such blazing fashion. It amazes me that they went through all this incredible detailing to make the turtle doll look as lifelike as possible, and then they go fuck everything up by molding it in bright yellow plastic. Then again, it makes sense for yellow turtles to be sold at a surplus store. Green ones probably get sold out easily. Yellow ones leave room for big amounts of surplus. Also note the inane purple racing stripes painted on the shell. Yellow turtles are much faster than the normals.
Pastel-Colored Bear Doll Heads: Individually bagged! If the people who worked here weren't so gloriously kitschy, I'd assume buying a trop of bear doll heads while giggling would inspire some weird looks. The heads are utterly pointless to own, but they've got something great going for them. Seems like they were bagged immediately after production, because the plastic stench in the neckhole is unbelievably intense. But don't worry about that, because it smells *exactly* like old Star Wars figures. I was huffing this thing for a half hour, much like a broke drug addict with a can of spray paint. They also make for truly wonderful finger puppets. Like the turtle above, these bears also come in every color except the ones bears are actually found in. To compensate, they've added bright pink freckles and a smile that would melt an iceberg.
Leap Frog Origami: The Book: Yes, a book on how to make frog origami. They actually had these. I actually bought these. I've had this private obsession with origami ever since I learned how to properly pronounce it, and I've always wanted to learn the trade. What better way to get motivated than to have, at your very hands, the tools to create a 3-D paper frog? Origami must be a shitty hobby to have...what do these people do with their works when finished? I've never seen anyone put origami exhibits on display, nor is it even remotely acceptable enough to talk about in even the slightest public forum. These make Sly Stallone's special talent in Demolition Man seem a lot more important. The pages are blinding with bright colors and step-by-step instructions on how to do the deed. For a quarter, it's either this or a pack of Big Red. I already had gum.
Vial of Blue Slime with Secret Present: When I saw this chemist's vial of blue slime, I had to have it. For a buck seventy-five though, it seemed a little steep. Until I realized that there was a plastic bug hidden deep without the vertigoo, which as everyone knows jacks up slime's value by at least a buck fifty. With that train of thought, I got the vial of slime for just a quarter, and you can't beat that. I'm not sure who the marketing genius behind this one is, but let's face it, they're pretty astute. There's only so much a person can do with a vial of slime. Adding the bug opens Pandora's box and presents a whole new realm of possibilities. When I figure out what those possibilities are, I'll get back to you. I just bought it because the blue slime looked neat.
Attractive Debutantes & Kangaroo Figures: A match made in heaven. Think of all the fun you'll have pretending that these two women have conversations sharing horror stories about public backlash over them being the only two women out there married to yellow kangaroos. I envision the two couples as great friends by matter of necessity. The kangaroos are buddy/buddy just because they like competition in their sack races, while the two women keep their rapport firmly established because the rest of the human race outcasted them. I think these figures were 30-40 cents a piece, a small price to pay for such incredible animal animism. The only real question left is whether these are really tall women or really short kangaroos. Then again, true love isn't subject to the same height standards the rest of us fakers are. As a special bonus, the girls all look like a young Nancy Marchand. Conversely, the kangaroos all look like she did a year ago.
Bag O' Astronauts: Astronaut figures are always a good time, especially the kind who are inexplicably holding rifles and/or using canes to stand upright. That aside, this is pretty standard fare, a big bag of plastic space men and a few American flags to ensure patriotism. Made in China. Go figure. Whatever company made these things must've been in a bad mood, because for no good reason they've added this circular lump of plastic on the bottom of all the figure bases that make them virtually impossible to stand upright. And that, dear friends, is why they are to be found only in the forgotten bottom-shelf boxes of surplus stores.
Rainbow Chameleon Stickers: Catch him if you can! I nearly busted a kidney when I saw these, as they're the exact same stickers I got in my first AS&S mystery box 12 years ago. They're forty cents a sheet. Actually, it seems like everything in the store is 40 cents, so I'll only tell you the prices if they're different from this point on. There's definitely something magnetic about these babies, as everyone who saw them couldn't stop themselves from putting them all over their arms and foreheads before moving on to putting them all over everyone else's arms and foreheads. Lizard stickers bring people closer together. In keeping with most of the stuff I bought's tradition of not making any sense whatsoever, star stickers are included on each sheet as an afterthought. AS&S rules.
Aquarium Decorations: I bought the book, now I'm one step closer to a waterworld of passion right in the middle of my living room. Actually, I only bought these because they came with a little green mermaid statue. Every fishtank I've ever owned has met a grim fate, ranging from sporadic feeding times to pool balls flying off the table and directly through the center of the tank. If word gets out, the fish'll hate me. The best part is that these things come in little unassorted sets that are bagged in such a way that you can't possibly tell what's in them till you open 'em up. Surprise Aquarium Packs! I think they're on to something.
Scary Triops Kit: Remember those Sea Monkeys? Well, these things improve on the formula. Ancient TRIOPS brought back to life! Many, many times larger than those brine shrimp, and a whole lot scarier looking. This will be the second set I've purchased. In haste I converted the first tank into a makeshift ashtray. Don't tell me I'm cruel to animals, it was either put the cigarette in the tank or let it burn my hand. I'm all for Triops rights, but not at my own personal risk. Luckily for all parties involved, I gave this to Fem as a gift to compensate for pouring more liquid butter in our mouth than we had previously agreed upon. Sorry Fem. The set was six bucks, which is actually less than some of the larger Sea Monkey sets out there, so pick it up! Available at AS&S or at your local weird science store that sells mass amounts of amethyst shards.
Little Fish Tank of Horrors: The circle is now complete. I've got the book. I've got the decorations. Now I've got the tank. Sadly, it's too small to do a saltwater tank, but if I'm lucky someone will drop one of these Japanese fighting fish at my doorstep tonight. Coincidentally, what's up with those fish? Are they really that vicious, or is that just pet store propaganda brought up so you won't feel bad dooming a poor fish to a three-week life span of solitary confinement? I guess there's only one way to find out. I just hope I get a fish who committed some serious crimes, because as stated, any fish put in my direct care isn't about to learn how to talk just so it can scream about how lucky it is. For 1.50 though, I really had no choice but to buy it.
Glow-In-The-Dark Bigfoot Stickers: At one point, these were given away as prizes in cereal boxes. Today, they're sold for 10 cents a piece inside AS&S. It's been a tremendously long road for these glowing Yeti stickers, and incidentally, that's a long road you can clearly illustrate, as it also comes with glowing Bigfoot tracks stickers! The greatest part? Suckers come with directions, as if there's someone out there who can't figure out how to use stickers. No assembly required. Quite possibly my favorite find out of all the crap I bought. Noteworthy: the track stickers obviously don't belong to the same Bigfoot you get in the pack. If they did, it'd mean that his feet are roughly the size of his torso. And considering what else I found in this place, they just might be.