THE CEREAL PRIZE PROJECT: GROUP 016
(Boglins Cutout Mask, Sparkly Superball, Squirting Cap'n Crunch Figure, Win, Lose Or Draw Game and a Stupid Honeycomb Watch)
#64 - Boglins "Drool" Cutout Mask (Kellogg's, 1988)
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Full box-back with instructions. Scary schtuff.
With word coming out of this year's Toy Fair that
Madballs will be returning, some have begun speculating that another classic "scary" toy line of the `80s may follow suit, that being
Boglins. In fact, the collection of rubber-bodied monster puppets lasted for a heck of a lot longer than many of us in the States realize. In foreign lands,
Boglins shook its groove thing well into the `90s. The newer editions weren't quite the same as the gloriously well-made originals, but it at least gives us hope that the line's scope of popularity was large enough to warrant a resurgence.
While it certainly doesn't feel like a natural match to have had
Boglins promoted by way of cereal premiums, Mattel teamed up with Kellogg's on several occasions to let breakfast eaters across the nation know that Boglins were here, queer and fabulous. These cutout masks were the least interesting of the cereal promotions I've seen, but that still makes 'em twenty times more interesting than most cereal premiums. The masks, cut from boxbacks that both named the character and provided its goofy biography, looked
just cool enough for us to forgive the fact that there was no way any human being's head was small enough to wear the things. Seriously, a kid could be two weeks out of the clam, and his head still would'nt have made the grade. I guess this is just more proof that cereal companies so rarely considered that people might actually go through with cutting out things from cereal boxbacks, instead depending on patented American Apathy to help them skirt the production associated with making Boglins masks large enough for people who haven't been cursed by the voodoo priests,
Beetlejuice style.
#65 - Sparkly Superball (Unknown, `80s)
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Sealed premium.
You know the superball, you've loved the superball. It's perhaps been quite some time since you last
held a superball, but its innate thrills take a lifetime to forget. More commonly found in grocery store vending machines, superballs were a lot like those plastic eggs full of neon slime, in that you really couldn't ever go wrong. Most vending machines had a little of this and a little of that, but superball vending machines only had superballs. Sure, sometimes you'd get an ugly superball color that made you cry, but at the end of the day, it was
still a superball -- it still bounced and smiled and flew and flew for miles. The "classic" superball is sized just a wee bit smaller than a standard gumball, but if you were willing to spend the extra quarter -- or dive into certain cereal boxes in the '80s -- you'd be privy to the most insane bounce action ever with your very own
jumbo superball.
Because there's some correlation between weight and velocity, jumbo superballs could be made to bounce from concrete all the way up to like, Saturn and Jupiter. The only downside to jumbo superballs was that they worked
so well that it was rare to ever find them again after an outdoor slam. We often lost sight of them in the clouds, left with nothing but our prayers that heaven indeed needed a jumbo superball. This particular one was created with sparkles inside, because SPARKLES RULE!
#66 - Cap'n Crunch Figural Squirter (Quaker, Cap'n Crunch, 1989)
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Sealed premium. Coupon for Sea World vacation discount.
Disregarding the fact that there was likely a promotional campaign that explained
why Cap'n Crunch cereal spent a few weeks giving out squirting Cap'n Crunch figures, let's just appreciate it for what it is: A squirting Cap'n Crunch figure. Say what you will about the cereal's knack for making hearts break and throats bleeds, but the Cap'n sure gave out a lot of great cereal prizes. The figural squirter stands a few inches tall and is made of a rare, experimental plastic shiny enough to blind anyone stupid enough to look at it directly. Instead of having the thing make sense by putting the squirt hole in Cap'n Crunch's mouth, it's located dead center on top of his hat, as if Cap'n Crunch was really a mutant whale who spent decades hiding his blowhole with a stupid hat. Sucks that he spent so much time covering shit up and worrying; I don't think there's a person on the planet who'd think any less of Cap'n Crunch for being a mutant whale.
As for the squirter, on each fill, it works pretty well for one second and really shittily for the following three. That makes is 25% awesome.
I'm also digging the fact that the squirting Cap'n Crunch came with a discount coupon for Sea World. No real reason. I just like Sea World and become substantially happier whenever I see its official logo. Plus, it makes sense. The toy squirts water, and Sea World is full of water. THEMATIC TIES RULE!
#67 - Miniature "Win, Lose Or Draw" Game (1988)
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Sealed premium. Instructions/scorecard. Instructions/scorecard, flipside.
It's stuff like this that inspired me to create the Cereal Prize Project. This thing's just plain cool shit. It needs to be wearing a tiny T-shirt with a "I'm Just Plain Cool Shirt" iron-on. "Win, Lose or Draw" began as a game show and ended up as everything else, played sort of like charades-with-a-pen. In its various television incarnations, it was absolutely one of the most frustrating game shows to watch. Like, a contestant would have to draw a duck, a simple stupid duck, and what came out on the big piece of noisy paper looked more like a black hole playing ping pong with a supernova, and what's worse, the contestants charged with guessing had no choice but to yell out stuff like, "It's a black hole playing ping pong with a supernova!" Everybody who watches game shows think they can do better than the people on the screen, but with "Win, Lose of Draw," you were damn sure positive.
I know there's a name for these things, but it's escaped me: The prize is one of those toys where you draw something over white plastic and lift the sheet to erase it. I assume there's an official name for it, because otherwise it takes a really long sentence to say what it is. The toy-where-you-draw-something-over-white-plastic, and-lift-the-sheet-to-erase-it bears the show's logo and, unbelievably, no longer works. Never would've guesses that toys-where-you-blah-blah had an expiration date, but this is proof, and it's making me hate proof.
#68 - Digital Honeycomb Watch (General Mills, Honeycomb, 1989)
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Sealed premium. Instructions.
I can't lie. I vowed not to. There's nothing interesting about this watch. It's blue, yeah, and it's got a Honeycomb logo on it, yeah. That's it, that's all. Our story should end here, but I'm all about the crescendo because it's such a fun word.
If nothing else, the watch reminds me of a time in my life where a lame, digital watch actually something. I'd wear a watch and be really proud of having access to the time, always walking around with my sleeve rolled up just to let everyone else know that if
they needed a time update, I was their guy. Functionally, watches have gone out of style. Everything we own tells the time. Our phones, our computers, our televisions, our cable boxes, our clocks, our coffee machines, our socks and sneakers. We don't really need watches for that, which is why they've become subversive fashion bracelets for guys who question the manliness of legit jewelry. I should've stopped at "crescendo." Me want Honeycomb.
--
Matt (3/30/06)
