(Zoo Pals Stamp Album, Sugar Bear Gummi Bears, Smurfs Poster, Rice Krispies Joke Machine and Crispy Critters Stickers)
#69 - Smedley's Zoo Pals Stamp Album (Quaker, Cap'n Crunch, 1982)
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Full box-back with instructions. A look inside. Coupon and back cover.
Cap'n Crunch wasn't always a greedy fuck, once sharing his wealth with
other mascots who sought validation by being featured on boxes of cereal. In the case of this premium, it's Crunch's old shipmate, Smedley, an upright elephant whowah talkeedee likadee thisee. More to the point, Smedley and the other Cap'n Crunch spokescreatures were immortalized with their own "Zoo Pals" stamp albums. While I won't argue against your evil claims that these are fairly boring prizes to read about, they were an absolute blast to own. I didn't have a "Zoo Pals" stamp album as a child to the best of my superhuman recollection, but lots of cereals gave away similar gifts, and for at least 48 hours after receiving one, I was all about little books full of animal stamps.
Each "Zoo Pals" book came with eight different animal stamps and pages with specific spots to place them. To make such a lame ass they-should've-just-done-it-
for-you activity seem more attractive, they don't tell you where each stamp is supposed to go. You have to guess based on the book's given description of each animal, matching the descriptions up with the appropriate stamp. "This sure-footed animal makes its home on the highest part of a mountain." Is your money on the penguin or is your money on the big horn sheep? Where's your money?
#70 - Sugar Bear Gummi Bears (Post, Super Golden Crisp, '80s)
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Sealed premium. Back of the bag. The gummi bears!
Post Super Golden Crisp was for a time my favorite cereal, and still today, any chance meetings between a box of Super Golden Crisp and myself will look something like a blindfolded chicken being thrown into a bullpen. Sugar Bear, who by his chilled mascot demeanor somehow made the cereal seem less about sugar and more about dry martinis at the piano lounge, was a top talent who deserved the chance to biggie size his corporate empire in any way he saw fit. Because God loves me, the way Sugar Bear "saw fit" mostly had to do with gummi bears.
I'm not sure if "Sugar Bear Gummi Bears" were intended as a one-off or to jumpstart an ongoing brand of fruit-esque snacks, but there they were, stuffed inside boxes of Super Golden Crisp cereal in their own cute little cellophane bags. Edible cereal prizes were always welcome, but the thought of gummi bears based on Sugar Bear moved me to the point where I threw caution to the wind and ate the whole bag. And I don't mean back in 1986 or whatever. I mean last night. All fifteen pieces. Really. They were hard and stale, but to me, that just brought the candies closer to the Jujube umbrella, and thus, made them even more attractive. There's four different bear-shaped flavors, though after 20 years, they all taste like cherry cough drops. My kingdom for an endless supply; Sugar Bear Gummi Bears rawk \m/.
#71 - Smurfs Poster (1983)
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Sealed premium. Full poster. Close-up scene.
I reviewed another poster from this series back in
Group 013 -- that one featured a Smurfy celebration, but this one features everything
leading up to a Smurfy celebration. It's Handy Smurf enjoying a rare shot at top billing, paving the way for a volley of Smurfs to create a wooden bridge that they will most certainly spend all night partying on. More or less, Smurfs spend all of their time collecting berries and partying on the bridges they've built.
One of the more subtle but awesome elements seen is Papa Smurf himself, standing kind of off to the side, wondering what he can say or do to assert control over his blue-skinned legions.
Check the full poster to see what I mean -- Papa Smurf is sooo obviously trying to find something wrong with Handy's bridge plan so he can step in, step up and once again become every Smurf's god and savior. Less subtle but even more awesome is the purple caterpillar lumbering around the action, looking somewhat like a caterpillar but even more like
Lotsa-Leggs, a series of plush dolls from the poster's era that provided me both an extra pillow and a certain level of inadequacy in regard to the sum mass of my manhood. I'm such an edgy comedian for going there.
#72 - The Joke Machine (Kellogg's, Rice Krispies, 1987)
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Sealed premium. Came with Nut & Honey Crunch coupon!
There were a few different "Joke Machines" in this series, and each was alike in everything but color scheme and the actual jokes. By pulling a question & answer card through a colorful cardboard sleeve with conveniently placed holes, you're free to charm the world with a bevy of side-splittin' funnies!
Why do tigers live in the jungle? They hate city traffic!
What do you give a seasick elephant? Lots of room!
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes? In case he got a hole in one!
What's the difference between a nickel and a dime? Five cents!
I don't deny that I would've found many of the jokes clever as a six-year-old. I also don't deny that I'm going to use the "seasick elephant" joke at my next weekly staff meeting, which will mark the first time I've ever spoke aloud in my weekly staff meeting, which will snowball the "seasick elephant" joke's impact into something worth videotaping.
#73 - Crispy Critters Stickers (Post, Crispy Critters, 80s)
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Sealed premium. Full sticker sheet. Came with coupon and thank you note.
Crispy Critters cereal was only a failure if you consider its full gamut of advertising and promotions. Post really, really,
really wanted this stuff to catch on. I've already spoken at length about the
television campaign, consisting of exorbitantly expensive commercials featuring everything from Muppet-level puppets to claymation animals to a song jingle way too catchy to have been paid for on the cheap. The cereal itself came packaged in a standout foil box, not shiny enough to see your reflection in, but shiny enough to realize that this cereal meant
business.
They tried everything -- contests, storybooks, endless promises to parents that Crispy Critters was the "healthy alternative" -- and nothing really seemed to work. I still maintain that the cereal was essentially animal crackers in milk, and something like that can be raved about to no end on paper, but it gets tired quick. I've gone completely off track in an obvious effort to fill up space, but screw you; people don't get sent to Hell for things like that. The prize: A sheet full of cute animal stickers that, if skinned, bleached and boiled, would look remarkably like the naughty bits in Crispy Critters cereal.
--
Matt (5/8/06)
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