October 10, 2004:
There aren't many Hallmark stores around where I live these days, most of them having been replaced by competitors who knew the secret trick of staying profitable: don't just sell cards, sell cards and overpriced faux porcelain statues of puppies holding umbrellas. Still, such shops have only capitalized on the proven successes set by Hallmark. A card store is just a card store, but the suits at Hallmark would take an iron shovel to the forehead before ever admitting that. Thus, it always seemed like so much more. Plus, in dry seasons when most major retailers just don't feel like bothering with the holiday suit-ups, you could always count on Hallmark to call Santa Claus and Uncle Samhain to action. Though Halloween has sometimes been regarded as a bastard holiday unworthy of attention from some stores, Hallmark always did their best to treat it well and feed it protein.
Today's entry focuses on a Hallmark Halloween commercial from 1989. Airing literally a week before the holiday, its job was to get your ghoul-craving asses in the stores to buy every half-assed costume and six-dollar skeleton broach they carried. It worked, because I ended up buying (or, considering my age at the time, successfully begging for) both items prominently shown in the ad. It's also just a great spot to remind you of Halloween seasons of the past, a trait easily proven when I tell you that there's no way I'd be writing about a Hallmark Halloween commercial just for the Hell of it.
The commercial kicks off with Ominous Voice #36 doing the voice-over: "Halloween's coming. What are you gonna do about it?" From that point on it's a balls-first parade of shitty costumes and middle-aged pedestrians way too into their clown noses, but you'll still end up wanting to watch it over and over again because the music is so funky.
I definitely don't remember costumes being so terrible 15 years ago, but then, who shopped for their party disguises at Hallmark? The selection was limited to a few French maid costumes, a devil costume with horns and a tail, and a devil costume with horns but no tail. More truly, Halloween-season Hallmark stores were good for accessories and impulse novelties, or if anyone you knew had a birthday in October. The rest of the stuff was there for you to just point at and say, "you know, I'm glad they're selling that." Didn't mean you planned to buy any of it.
All of the costumes featured in the ad are horrendous; we run the gamut from half-face elephant masks to sweatsuits with iron-on spider web patterns in under five seconds. Never a good sign. But! The criminal quality level on display is outmatched by how happy everyone in the commercials appears. It was impossible not to forgive the costumes for sucking when everyone wearing them looked like cancer patients who just found out it was only asthma.
I'm also just now realizing that I've never actually purchased a Halloween card for anyone. Never really had a reason. Anytime I picture giving someone a card on Halloween, I can't help thinking it'd be such an awkward moment. "Oh hey, here's a card. You know, for Halloween?" I wish I knew more Luciferians.
And there it is! The perfect tribute to what Halloween was like fifteen years ago: The "This IS My Costume" T-shirt! It's just as hilarious today! I challenge you to find a more fall-down funny costume! You will be the talk of the haunted water cooler for weeks!
When I was in third grade, the most popular kid in our class wore one of these shirts for the annual pre-Halloween march around the school, an activity the really lacked a point but was still looked forward to just as much as Christmas vacation. The kid was horrified to be walking around in a shirt that we all deemed lame no more than a week prior, but none of us could make fun of him because he was the popular kid and would just hire out one of his admirers to punch the dicks off of us. Secretly, we all delighted in his misery. If memory serves, he was a ninja the following year. We were so disappointed.
Notice how Hallmark used the goofiest guy ever to model the shirt? Pretty actors cost more, they weren't going to waste those kind of expenses on such a stupid T-shirt.
I soooo had that chattering skull pin. It had those plastic googly eyes, so whenever you winded the thing up and let it rip, the skull's grating teeth chatter would cause the eyes to dance around in ways that'd make a charmed cobra feel like it really needed to improve its act.
I held on to the pin for many years, but it's since been trashed. Sometimes I still swear I can hear the chattering, usually late at night when I'm on drugs. I felt like such a celeb whenever I wore that pin. I had a spot in the world. Now all I have are memories and a jar of stale pickles. I peaked at 8. :(
The spot ends off with a special offer, one I couldn't resist: any customer who spent five bucks or more was eligible to purchase a "Spooky Sounds" audio cassette for just a buck ninety-five. The tape was amazing, consisting of a nonstop thirty-minute medley of ripped-off television themes, poorly sung Halloween anthems that fell under public domain, and screams so synthesized that I'd always check to see if my brother was playing Impossible Mission in the next room. I miss that tape so much. Fortunately for us all, lots of companies still make similar compilations, and they're the perfect topping for any Halloween party hosted by someone who associates cheese with chic.
Click here to download the "Hallmark Halloween" commercial. (.WMV, 2 MB)
- Matt (10/10/04)
DROP A COMMENT?
RETURN TO X-ENTERTAINMENT!
|
|
|
 |
