October 14, 2004:
Yes! The best Halloween promotions are those without discernible rhyme or reason, and I'd call Kellogg's "Monster Fruit Snacks" one of the best what-where-they-thinking releases since cola-flavored meat. I don't foresee grand fortunes being reaped from the sale of these, what with every popular cartoon character and kiddy icon already flooding the fruit snack aisle. But, I don't have to think they'll be a broad success to lick each box with the love of forty Cupids myself.
At this time of year, they're the ultimate fruit snack offering. A surprisingly plain and unhip box introduces Monster Fruit Snacks as consisting of artificial fruit morsels shaped like Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, the Wolfman and the Mummy. Each serving boasts 100% of your daily requirement of vitamin C, and lest ye believe they're some clipart ripoffs on the originals, there's an official Universal Monsters stamp dead center on the boxfront.
Three of the monsters are drawn exactly as they should be on the package, but Dracula looks like he's desperately trying to hide the fact that he looks nothing like Dracula. A forgivable offense once you consider the Dracula fruit snacks inside that look exactly like Dracula. It's all give and take. For the completely infirmed, Kellogg's went through the trouble of reintroducing the ghoulish kings on the side panel...
See, and here you thought taglines were tough to come up with. I'll credit the Wolfman for having the worst of the bunch -- "Wolf down this treat fast!" -- but Frankenstein's "scary but sweet" is nearly equivalent in its ability to make me seriously consider writing Kellogg's a letter brim-filled with frustrated suggestions for future editions of Monster Fruit Snacks. This is all well compensated by what you've actually paid for; the fruit snacks themselves are phenomenal, Dracula being particularly delicious. Take a gander and try not to die.
Don't be alarmed by the fleshy yellow varieties -- they're not banana flavored. Actually, the colors are not at all indicative of the flavors; it's a mix and match collection of strawberry, orange and cherry fruit snacks in Yellow Mummies, Green Frankensteins, Orange Howwwls and Red Draculas. Oh, that beautiful red. It's a keeper. It's also in short supply, with most packages in each box (I've been through several dozen of these in the past two weeks) being populated primarily by that damn dirty yellow. Again, it's not banana. But you can't shake the idea that it just might be.
There's no shoutouts to Halloween anywhere on the box, but let's not kid ourselves -- these things are on borrowed time. All of us have dreams. Some of us dream that, in fifty years, we'll be able to tell people we tasted the sweet nectar of a Kellogg's Red Dracula Monster Fruit Snack. If you are of this demographic, don't bloom ambition in November. Now's the time to eat your destiny.
