October 2, 2004:
One of my guiltiest pleasures has long been the many holiday crafts & recipes magazines found near the cashier at supermarkets. Especially during the Halloween season, nothing puts me in the spirit faster than 75 glossy pages full of recipes for bat-shaped shrimp cocktail and instructions on how to make astronaut costumes out of aluminum foil and tissue paper rolls. Today's entry is a quick crafts project from the pages of one such magazine. The moral: magazines are fun.
Yes, today we'll be making Glowing Balloon Monsters. It's a lot easier than it sounds, and you'll only need the crap shown above to do it. Before we begin, stock the house with white balloons, a Sharpie and as many glowing lightsticks as you desire Glowing Balloon Monsters. Don't buy five glowsticks if you want six Glowing Balloon Monsters, ya dig?
I've tested these babies out and they work just like the magazine said they would. Best part is, they're easily modified to fit soirees meant for young kids and extravangazas populated by jaded, black-hearted adults. No more standing around a crowded party store debating whether an overpriced decoration is "too scary" or "not scary enough."
Glowsticks serve many purposes, from emergency lights to fashion accessories. They're associated most with small trick-or-treaters who desperately need something on their bodies that'll keep drivers from accidentally running them over several times in succession. I was more of a daytime trick-or-treater by trade, but even though I had no real need to tie a glowstick around my neck and ruin an otherwise faithful Dracula costume, few kids can resist fondling small rods of glowing juice. I was only familiar with green and yellow glowsticks as a child, but these days you can get 'em in pretty much any color you want. Even reddish brown. Saw it the other day. I still can't believe it wasn't a dream.
There's a perfectly scientific reason those sticks can glow, but it always felt so magical.
I was hoarding glowsticks long before I knew how to read, and was often challenged by figuring out how to make them start glowing. For whatever reason, I was under the impression that freezing them would make it happen, something nobody in my family took enough interest in to correct. So I'd stand next to the freezer on a chair, trying to turn glowsticks "on" by holding them in cups of ice. Never worked, and in fact, the only time I ever succeeded in making a glowstick live up to its name was when, in crying fits of crazed frustration, I'd either bite the thing really hard or chuck it against a wall. Sad that I couldn't put two and two together and realize that the criminally hard snapping was what made glowsticks glow, but at least I learned how to harness my inner rage towards a greater good at such a young age. I was Hulkzukey.
Most of you can guess how a Glowing Balloon Monster is born, so I'd like to thank the three people who can't for justifying the next several paragraphs. To start off, grab a white balloon (other colors should work fine, just don't go too dark) and slip a glowstick inside. Obviously, you're aiming for one of the smaller rods -- not the huge ones that make Papa feel like he needs to take a new pill. The orange glowstick used as an example above isn't ideal; green works best, and I'm guessing a particularly bright red would do fine as well. After sensually prodding the stick into position, blow up the balloon to the desired size (again, not too big) and grab the nearest person who knows how to tie balloons and who won't look down on you for having never learned the secret method of doing it yourself.
Next, draw the monstrous facial features on your stick-filled balloon. This is where there's room to cater to a specific crowd. If you're going to fill a room full of Glowing Balloon Monsters and invite a bunch of six-year-olds over, go for the standard "surprised ghost" face. It's a classic, and it won't make anyone shit their Power Rangers disguise. If it's an older crowd, dip the entire balloon in blood and smear it in a tray of live centipedes. And fill it with liquor. You can easily make a dozen of these bad boys in just a few minutes, and the end result is pretty satisfying:
Undoctored photos, I remind you. Once the lights go out, your ugly, drawn-on balloon immediately transforms into an ugly, drawn-on Glowing Balloon Monster, providing just enough illumination for you to kill the lights and let the balloons be your guests' guide to the bathroom.
Course, glowsticks have a life span of about eight hours once activated, so don't grow too attached to your Glowing Balloon Monster. Consider him your Autumn Snowman: someone to love extra hard because you only have so much time to make with the hugging. That's metaphorical -- you shouldn't hug a Glowing Balloon Monster unless you're trying to look inconspicuous while murdering it. And there's really no need for that anyway; you can't go to jail for killing a balloon. For now.
If you want to take some extra initiative, grab a soda bottle full of helium and let your Glowing Balloon Monsters float like true ghouls. You can fake the effect with a few well-placed strands of double-sided tape, but be warned: Glowing Balloon Monsters hate it when people put tape on them. They won't react harshly to it, but this is what I've been told.
- Matt (10/02/04)
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