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October 20, 2004:
Well, it's time for the last chapter in our three part Slasher Costumes For Kids series, and I've saved the best for last. Leatherface of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is in no way on par with Freddy or Jason in the popularity department -- especially young kids -- but the Biel-driven TCM remake gave the original head-chopper a much needed boost in public interest. Here's how it works: children who get into the slasher costumes very rarely actually see the movies. They've heard about them, seen trailers and posters and have had enough additional media thrown at 'em to form solid opinions that the character they've chosen to dress like on Halloween was both cool and a badass. The Texas Chainsaw remake, for all of its faults, still packed some of the most gory and haunting images of any Hollywood blockbuster in recent years, and of the many scary characters collecting big bucks at the box office, Leatherface seems to be the only one regarded with genuine fear by the prepubescent masses. Freddy and Jason are pretty much hero characters by this point. Leatherface? Still a dark alley nightmare.
There has been no horror character more mistreated by its sequel films than Leatherface, yet he's still one of the few capable of making us think twice before hitting the play button. The remake has inspired a massive line of consumer products based on the masked cannibal goatman, of course including Halloween costumes. I can't believe they pulled it off as well as they did, whomever the mysterious "they" be. The costume seems more clearly based on the Leatherface as we originally knew him, lacking the black leather and metal crotch caps of the guy who rocked theaters last year, but they still use the newer version of the movie logo. It's probable that the costume has been around for a few years fumbling in obscurity, and now they're just throwing it out there in a "based on the new movie" package. If that's true, a guy who bet that it wasn't owes me five bucks.
For reasons I've yet to figure out, the Leatherface costume costs over 50% more than Freddy or Jason's costumes. It's a bit more involved, yes, but nowhere near 50% more involved. I can't imagine the majority of boys picking the transvestite toadman over Krueger or Voorhees, so maybe the owners of this particular costume warehouse were really big TCM fans or just plum out of their fucking minds.
The costume includes a mask and apron, but no chainsaw. Doy. Gotta have the chainsaw. Good thing they sell it for an additional twenty bucks. Good thing everyone wants to spend six thousand dollars on one-night-only Leatherface costumes. Good thing you all agree.
Expensive, yes, but the Leatherface™ Chainsaw is indeed impressive. Made of hard plastic that won't bend, warp or otherwise ruin the realism, the chainsaw has an electromechamegaism that enables it to, with the push of a button, send off a thirty-second barrage of riotous "whirring" sounds mixed in with the screams of a girl in mid-mangle. This is what the urban kids call "funky shit." On the downside, the chainsaw is only intended for children, as any adult Leatherface wannabe who carries the thing is going to look like they're either portraying a Giant Leatherface or a Leatherface who invented a special laser capable of shrinking chainsaws. And that's way too convoluted to handle fielding the many "so who are you s'posedta be" questions one gets on Halloween night. If you want to be Leatherface, you'll have to carry a real chainsaw and risk persecution. If there's ever justification in risking persecution, it's the wielding of a big ass working chainsaw.
The chainsaw certainly completes the ensemble, but with or without it, the costume is something to behold and part with money over. It's easily the coolest of the three features in this series, an inarguable fact that has caused both Englund and Hodder to take permanent residence up in cedar storage trunks so they can hide the shame in their sad boxes. It's too bad Gunnar Hansen doesn't know how to read; he's be so stoked to see what I'm saying here. Here's my nephew, one last time, now dressed to kill and cook and eat. Nothing sizzles like A SLICE OF YOUR LEG.
Cue it up, cue whatever mental music you summon whenever you need to usher in a new champion up. That is one seriously inspired pile of overpriced rubber and felt, and it just sucks that Leatherface isn't more popular so everyone would be guaranteed at least one viewing of a kid in the greatest Halloween costume since Glam Rocker Hooker stole the show twenty yahrs rahgo. Amazing how the disguise conveys a genuine heartfelt attempt to command the best costume on the block despite the fact that it comes in a bag and can be put on in less than fifteen seconds. Leatherface turns dichotomy to diechotomy with each additional double-negative something-something. That's why the costume costs so much.
They didn't go all the way by adding blood splatters to the tie-around outfit, but a child can easily do this himself, even substituting ketchup if Maw won't buy him a jar of stage blood. The chainsaw accessory proves its value here, adding the necessary grunge and gore to turn your Leatherface from ugly barber to Face of Death. The mask and hair are not worth anywhere near as much as the sum of their parts. Separately, the mask is mummy-like and the hair is bootleg Don King, but combined like Devastator's ass and left leg, it's really one of the better Leatherface getups money can buy, especially among those that sell on the cheap. The outfit consists of an overshirt and roped apron, giving the impression of a multilayered affair even though it's really only one in spirit.
Leatherface is the best costume of the three. If you disagree, you must keep telling yourself that you are completely wrong until you conform to the mighty power called being correct. Gotta appreciate the way the mask droops down and conceals the eyes, recreating one of the oft unmentioned but still creepier things about the original Leatherface's look. Pretend to chew a rubber severed foot while wearing this and you're guaranteed 1st prize at the costume contest at that lodge Dan and Roseanne always went to on Halloween. Strong recommendation for the Leatherface costume, even if you could fund another TCM sequel for less money. The carpet of hair attached to the mask is also great to tickle infants' stomachs with, lulling them into senses of false security before killing and eating them. I can't believe the things you do.
- Matt (10/20/04)
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