October 24, 2004:
I won't claim to have been a lifelong fan of Michael Myers or the Halloween movies, because I haven't been. Only recently did I pick up the DVDs when we were experiencing a Friday night without prospects, and though I'd seen the movies before of course, I guess it was way too long ago for me to properly recall how absolutely kickass and genre defining they were. The first two, I mean. Halloween had the disadvantage of doing the things it did first. Maybe not exactly, but on that grand of a scale, Halloween could not benefit from templates set by other successful horror franchises -- it wasn't really the first of its kind, but it might as well have been.
So what the Hell -- should the Earth's axis shift and cosmic energies forever change the path I'm on for the next week or so, maybe I'll have actually a reason to buy a Halloween costume. Maybe I'll actually find something to do next weekend; something that pulls my motivation above slug levels and says to me, "yes, it's time to dress up and be one of the many." In case that's the case, why not make Michael Myers my chosen digs? I would've liked to include him in the Slasher Costumes 4 Kids series a few days back, but alas, I couldn't find a single Myers outfit specifically intended for children. That's a blacklist from a black heart. Myers and his movies have remained arguably modern, with at least one commendable film coming out in recent years and not seeming like a totally feeble attempt to revitalize an outdated franchise by adding hip slang to a script rehash and casting based on who's fake tits looked the realest. The kids, man, they deserve a role model.
Compensatadiddlyrifficly, I located a slew of Michael Myers costumes for the adult crowd. The jumpsuit is the object of most controversy, with replicas and knockoffs often being off-colored, or the wrong style, or with iron-ons on the back that probably weren't seen in any of the Halloween movies. It's a rare case when getting one of the officially licensed costumes is a complete necessity, because God forbid someone peg your supposedly cobalt blue suit for more of a purple. The costume shown above doesn't include a mask, but they tried to make up for it by adding a plastic knife and small bottle of fake blood. I appreciated the effort, but would've appreciated not having to spend another 45 bucks on a Michael Myers mask a whole lot more. Speaking of WITCH:
Hey dude, that's from Don Post, so don't be no asshole. The mask hurts like Hell to put on and leaves you with about as much of an oxygen intake as a small garbage bag helmet would, but it generally looks the part and you won't at all mind the fact that the mask leaves a chalky white residue on everything it touches, including your eyes. The hair is atrocious, but Halloween costume hair always is. Regardless, combined with the jumpsuit and a real big knife I really use to cut real meat with, the mask helps to create an ambiance of 100% authentic Myers mania. With this costume I shall win the door prize at many a Halloween club bash...
On the other hand, I look nothing like Michael Myers and probably couldn't scare my grandmother in the thing even if I broke Michael Code and screamed really loud. I look like a Norfin Troll experiencing low blood sugar. You could still get away with it during a nighttime prowl, but caught in the daytime or a severe camera flash, the costume comes off as low rent as Halloween 5. I contracted Leonard Maltin to write this paragraph.
There's one neat thing about wearing a costume that literally covers every square inch of your body and leaves no visible clues that you are you -- the freedom! Seriously, if you've never tried on a costume like this, give it a whirl. You'll find yourself unabashedly dancing to a Janet Jackson song within 45 seconds, even if you're only able to play the song in your head. As much of a pain in the ass as it is to wear a costume so thoroughly all over you to a Halloween party, it's worth the trouble. You'll be groping pretty people and throwing pretzels at ugly people without the slightest inclination to be sneaky about it.
See? I would never do that normally. Hate books.
And, because one mask is never enough, I picked up a second. The Michael Myers Light-Up Mask doesn't improve much on Don Post's attempt in the faithfulness department, but masks that channel small white lights through the rubber are rarely worried about that. The gimmick: with the push of a button (attached to a tiny box connected to the mask by a "long" wire), the mask bursts forth with a fifteen-second fireworks display as the formerly flat white affair goes three-finger crazy.
Arriving in a great Halloween-stamped box with a "try me" area, I probably should've left the thing in there and just consulted it on a shelf whenever I felt the urge. It's not exactly the kind of Michael Myers mask you can wear without being asked repeatedly who you're supposed to be. Luckily, you don't have to answer. All you have to do is hit a button and hypnotize your persecutor with unexpected light patterns.
Michael Myers isn't supposed to be beautiful. Not that he is, but he's trying to be and I don't like it.
Wasn't easy to take the no-flash pic without getting a bit of blur, but look close and you'll be able to define the series of lights littered through the mask like the scattered buried keys that, collectively, will open a series of doors to the forbidden treasure. Plus, having a device that makes the mask light up for a few seconds at a time offers you a good method of communicating without actually speaking -- a big no-no if you're trick-or-treating as Michael Myers. If you blink once, you are thankful. Blink twice, and the bitch at the door better hand over more candy.
