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OCTOBER 30, 2004:
Why did I buy it? Strange man in far corner of bazaar said "no, do not buy that box." But I did! And now I'm stuck! Think they call it "Lament Configuration," two words I do not understand even when they're not married by sentence structure. Strange man say "box is trouble, has been for a long time." I tell him "maybe, but box is cheaper than brass elephant and I want to have money leftover for pizza." WHY did I have to want the pizza?
Now I have no choice but to sit here and try to open this box until it opens. Some Halloween. I have never tried opening a Lament Configuration before, but remain confident because one time, I crushed a gator's skull with one hand. More impressive when you consider how gators are not found in my natural region. I did this even while out of my element. I am Super Yeti.
And if I am Super Yeti, I should be able to pry open box regardless of ancient history saying it is impossible. I see no magic buttons anywhere, except for the ten trillion ones that do not do anything. I could try to gnaw it open with my lengthy teeth, but teeth shant be lengthy after such action. WHY did I have to want pizza?
How hard can it be? There must be a solution. A puzzle box can't be a puzzle box without solution. Then it become mere puzzling box. Open, puzzle box!
IIIII SAAAAIDD OPPEEN!
Perhaps there exists some key I have not heard about. Maybe I have to recite a voodoo limerick. I wish I had keys and knew voodoo limericks. Yeti learned nothing without school.
WHY BOX?! WHY WON'T YOU OPEN FOR ME?! I have no intention of harming your innards...only want a peek! Need to know truth! Need success! Cannot join the Webelos without Lament Configuration scout badge! Why must you destroy me?
I am never going to get that thing open. I have failed to become the Yeti who did the unthinkable. The others Yetis expected better from me.
Oh, the shame! The horror! The pride removed! I can never return to the Alps without success! I will be joke of village! Holiday party invitations will be strangers to my mailbox! How can I be letting this thing happen?
Truth be told I am son of a king! In these hands lies regal royal power, regal royal power powerful enough to crush damn gold cube with a single crunch! Hands, listen to your body! Do not forget your roots! You are of the royal kingdom, you must be setting the bar high for other hands to follow! OPEN...THAT...BOX!
Lament Configuration bring out the theatrical in Super Yeti. So do grapes on the vine.
Wait, wait! What am I doing? How can I be wasting time? There isn't any to waste! I must destroy or solve that puzzle box and be done with it for good! Only then will my invisible crown be worthy of pretending to take off indoors! I must summon the strength within me to zap adversity and eat victory! The cryptozoo will be unforgiving of failure!
Okay......box. Just you and me now. No distractions. No hanky panky. Nothing but my hands and you opening. I hereby call upon the souls of all those I have eaten. Lend me your muscle for a brief moment and I swear to never call upon you again!
I DID IT! WITH THE HELP OF THE SOULS IN MY BELLY I DID IT!
I can't believe that old trick worked. Now that box is open, I am free to collect any treasure inside. They may be cursed but man at pawn shop does not have to be told this. I am Super Tricky Yeti.
I never understood my penchant for play-by-play in solitude, but here I am digging my hand through open box searching for treasure, but it is spacious and sparsely populated and I cannot believe I know those words. Oh wait! Found something! This is it, Super Tricky Yeti! What we have been waiting for! The magic of the Lament Configuration is now mine to parade around town like a new car or abominable newborn! Let us see what we have won!
Plastic spider rings? That's it? Murrr. I will learn the word "gypped" and use it in a sentence.
- Matt (10/30/04)
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