October 3, 2004:
I have no tremendous love for Growing Pains, but like you, I've seen every episode at least 57 times. The show is interesting for having characters who made big impressions, but storylines so flaccid nobody can't remember a damn one of them. Well, except maybe a few -- like the one we're about to take a look at. It's one of the infamous Halloween episodes, where all members of the cast and crew made a pact not to suck and to damn sure deliver cheesy spookiness and bloodcurdling comedy. Or in this case, better yet...Candace Cameron. The not-quite-DJ is of course Kirk Cameron's younger sister (that's IRL, y'all, I-R-L), who used his pull to get her the role that ultimately paved way for a seventy-two year stay on Full House, culminating in an Emmy nomination for the episode where DJ tries to lose weight by eating ice sticks, feeding Comet brussel sprouts, and running on treadmills while wearing shorts so tight they made her upper thighs look like arms. Arguably, Candace never would've had that big career if not for this episode of Growing Pains: a story about love, a tale of terror, and a smile shown again. Don't waste another minute on this intro.
It went something like this: Ben, now sewing his oats in junior high school, is invited to his first boy/girl Halloween dance party. His reaction is one of swift dread; Ben has no date, has no way of getting a date, and as confessed to Mike, he's flip flopping on whether he still thinks girls aren't gross anymore. Maggie is pregnant in this episode -- I've left her out of the review completely in protest of that sitcom-ruining snake who burst out her thing-down-there just a few months later. Proud Papa Jason is unsuccessful in being remotely important to any one corner of the show; he too has been excluded from this review for the most part. I can't remember if they had a dog, he's gone too. Carol's not staying for long, even though I should keep her because she ends the episode dressed as a bunny.
Carol and Mike take turns offering Ben advice, disagreeing with each other on every point and completely pushing the loveseat's capacity by cramming beside Ben with each half-ass forced onto an opposing armrest. The good thing is, they both want to see Ben get a date. The bad thing is, this episode is Ben-centric. Carol finally clues Ben in: he's had a perfect candidate for the dance right under his nose the whole time -- JENNY! The girl he pals around with out on the basketball court! She's kind of a tomboy, and rough, and bossy, and wearing a baaaad baseball cap, but she's definitely female, and that's Ben's ticket to the hottest Halloween event since Elvira twirled her nipple tassels for peace at the U.N.'s "Trick-or-Treaty" party back in '86.
During a quick, casual round of hoop-shooting, Ben musters up enough nerve to ask Jenny to the party, literally shitting out the mouth, gurgling up a line that was close to if not exactly "OKAYENOUGH BASKETBALLLISTEN DOYOUWANTTOGOTOTHEDANCE WITHMEIMEAN WECANDONOTHING ORDOTHEDANCE SODOWHATISAY ANDDOIT."
Jenny said yes because it's polite and oftentimes safer to humor crazy people. Remember, though -- there's no hint of romance yet. This isn't a "date." It's an arrangement that gets two solo acts into Dance Party Duets and that is IT. Ben is fine with that, he swears. No touching no feeling no kissing no nothing. Just two friends going to a mutual friend's friendfest to eat candy, throw things, and make fun of the kids who wear homemade costumes. I wonder if Ben holding the ball throughout their conversation was symbolic of something, especially now that I realize it's in front of a bush.
Jason and Carol are oh so proud of their boy-eeeeee, but Ben tells 'em to shaddafuggup because it's not a real date, dammit. These are of course only minor plot points when compared to the television moment that was Ben's monk costume. Holy cattle. Ben Seaver is the only person in the universe who'd wear a monk costume to his first bigtime party. Also the only one who would eat tar if you paid him two bucks. The monk costume may too be symbolic; it's in tribute to Ben's celibacy, for he who makes the fake-date has no intention of heavy petting.
7 PM, the doorbell rings. Ben knows who it is. It's Jenny. Just Jenny from the block. The schmucky girl who thinks she's a boy. His top pick to exploit and the only way to get into someplace decent this Halloween. Nothing more, nothing less. Ben's famous last words to ma/pa before opening the door to destiny: "This is definitely...not...a....date!" Oh, young foolish Ben. You've never seen Jenny without the stink of pavement resting on her lumps. And even if you have, there's no way you've seen her dressed like a princess.
My, my, my oh my my my oh my. I could do that for three paragraphs and still have a full tank. You can't tell from the pics, but Jenny looks positively stunning. Like a pretty bride in Japan's underworld. Worst part is, she knows it. This isn't the same Jenny who no more than a few hours ago was threatening to eat live bait. This Jenny is all about the bling and baubles. She should have it tattoed right on her ass. "Bling & Baubles." I bet she already has.
Ben immediately alters his prior plot and now considers tonight a full-fledged date. How could he not? The hot new couple hitch a ride with Mike down to Party Central, and from there on out it's all about Halloween, love and some tough life lessons for poor little Ben.
Okay, so Vito's Halloween party was great stuff. Staged from a horse stable and bursting with decorations, I remember seething with envy as a kid because I'd never been invited to such grandiose Halloween parties that surely existed in my neighborhood too. Actually, my fascination with this episode ran parallel to my intense hatred and jealousy of Ben, who A) had something to do, B) had a date, and C) was a legitimate blonde.
I've got a tape full of Halloween sitcom episodes from the 80s, and while most feature some kind of party scene, Growing Pains' easily had the best digs. I know you can't tell anything from the pics, but the place was busting at the seams with costumed freaks, at least half of which exceeding heights of six feet and forcing me to wonder why so many old people were at a party ripe for Ben Seaver. And don't yell "CHAPERONES" unless you're prepared to explain why they needed two dozen of them.
As Ben and Jenny make the rounds and charm the crowd with tales about how they were two letters away from being an ice cream brand, Jenny can't help noticing a certain unmistakable lust pouring from Ben's eyes straight into her still kernal-form bosom. And she don't like it. Ben plays it safe and assures Jenny that she's just misunderstanding things, but he hears secret wedding bells in his crazy head. The right opportunity to slip tongue hasn't presented itself yet, but when it does, Ben'll be all over that shit.
Meanwhile, mutual friend "Stinky" bypasses the "must bring a date" rule by carrying a blowup doll around. Nobody takes issue with this because it would involve expending energy on Stinky. Ben and Jenny give him the ole "well we're glad to see you, but stand over there cuz you're decimating our cool factor" treatment, so the Stinkman runs off to a far corner and starts slow dancing with the only woman at the party who wouldn't shoot him if given the chance.
Finally, Ben seizes a quiet moment with Jenny and prepares to unload his untold feelings of love. Just before he can tell his chosen one tales of their future life on the shores of Maui, Jenny catches the wandering eye and focuses her libido on someone else. Ben responds by making the same sound the birds outside my window do whenever the feeder's out of seeds. Can't really put it into text, but yes.
The object of Jenny's affections is Vito -- the loudmouth ginzo they usually team against in basketball games. I think she's just into him because it's his party. You know how women are. Always latching themselves onto hosts of good Halloween parties. Where's her heart?
Ben's in shock, of course. Jenny, not knowing that our favorite monk has the hots for her, actually insists that Ben asks Vito if he's into her. Ben's life went from Halloween Heaven to pumpkin shit in six seconds flat, and he doesn't even have a hickey to make up for it.
Flabbergasted, Ben has no choice but to approach Vito and pimp out his woman. At first, the green pirate creature makes fun of Jenny (even breaking out the end-all be-all insult: "she's butt-ugly"), but eventually comes around and figures that it might be cool to get to third base with someone who's been on real third bases before. Ben is crushed, so much so that we dust off the "WE HEAR BEN'S THOUGHTS" gimmick for the duration of the episode. Think Wonder Years. I'm grateful, because otherwise the only way we could've been exposed to Ben's innermost thoughts was in low-key heart-to-hearts with Stinky. In essence, Ben's audible brain voice saved us the trouble of more Stinky scenes. It also provided Jeremy Miller the chance to boost his acting prowess by having to look like he's in deep thought even when he's just filling punch glasses or avoiding the little kid dressed like a devil who continually runs around the party shouting "MAKE OUT SONG, MAKE OUT SONG, MAKE OUT SONG!"
Jenny and Vito ride off into the sunset, and that's pretty much the last we see of them. If any additional scenes were filmed, they were later cut for time to make more room for shots of Ben looking pissed off on a converted box/couch. As he does this, a stranger approaches and asks, "Dear boy, what in the Lord's name are you supposed to be?"
NOT HAPPY. :(
In a rare moment of total honesty, I confess that I have no desire to continue talking about Growing Pains and thus will rush the rest. Mike comes in. Mike makes Ben feel better. Mike tells Ben that there are millions of women in the world, many of which much hotter than Jenny. Big brother even confirms that he too has been dumped before, a fact that sends Ben reeling into gleeful oblivion. He's still not over the whole Jenny thing, but another chance at romance soon presents itself in the form of a hot young nurse named Molly.
Molly, oh Molly. I have no idea why, but I used to have such a gigantic crush on Molly and her minute cameo on Growing Pains. Molly gives Ben the eye, so Mike pushes him to do the nasty with this newfound opportunity to do the nasty. God Molly I love you to death. I love you I love you I love you. I've been waiting to say that for over a decade. I really hope you haven't let yourself go.
The episode ends as happily as it can, with Ben and Molly tearing up the dance floor as Jenny and Vito have no choice but to step aside and let this parade of dirty dancing take effect. Good show, Ben. Now get your hands off my girlfriend.
Maybe it's the ennui talking, but I always felt that this was one of the best episodes of the series. They totally did the Halloween shtick right, whereas other sitcoms of the era would've been satisfied with a two-second close-up of a mangled pumpkin. The show was also at one of its highest points of popularity, so the cast had their better-than-you swagger down pat. We'll be looking at some of the other classic sitcom Halloween episodes over the course of the month, so if you're dying for more grainy images of actors who haven't been topical since your grandpa was alive, stay right here.
- Matt (10/04/04)
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