October 8, 2004:
If there's one thing the 2004 Halloween season sorely lacks, it's junky little toys bearing the likeness of Frankenstein and Mumm-Ra. I've seen lots of Halloween-themed yogurt and enough rubber body parts to recreate the riot at Attica, but there's been a marked decrease in shitty novelties that entertain me for three minutes and are subsequently forgotten forever. I love those shitty novelties, and "Halloween Splats" seeks to compensate by both being a fun shitty novelty and by being twice as great as most other fun shitty novelties.
Essentially, Halloween Splats are globs of everyday vending machine slime made firmer, colored and shaped like Hollywood's finest killers. The reaperish dude on the left looks remarkably like Mumm-Ra in his pissy old man mode, while Frankenstein dares to be different by pretending to chew a big wad of gum. Each Splat comes with an arm bone splat launcher, which only seems extraneous if you've never actually touched these things. Stickiest toys ever, and that's not a title I throw around recklessly.
Nailed these guys at four bucks a pop, though they were found in a ridiculously overpriced store that I won't name in protest. If you can find them elsewhere, they'll probably be a bit cheaper. If Halloween was Christmas, Splats would soooo be the first thing in every kid's stocking. The second thing would be packages of dominos that were really bombs.
There's probably other characters in the series, but I couldn't justify spending more than ten bucks on Halloween Splats without someone first proving to me that they could talk. They lack the smell that's usually present in such slimy doodads, so if you were hoping for a Halloween Splat worth shouting "boy does this thing SMELL" over, better get crackin' on some putrid homemade versions. The paint jobs succeed in making you believe that the company who created these things really tried, an idea emphasized all the more when you count the number of grooves in the bone launcher and get frustrated after losing track in the high 400s. This wasn't a rush job; the company obviously spent a good twenty years perfecting the recipe before the big unveiling.
I'd call them malleable but I don't feel like looking up the word to confirm it's definition, but they're really stretchy and you honestly can't touch the Splats without doing some misguided Abbot and Costello routine, trying to remove the toys with your other hand only to get it stuck there and repeating the idiocy until the things collect enough of your hand-dirt to dislodge and fall on the cruddy carpet, forever ruined by horrible microscopic fibers. I think this is why the suicide rate goes batshit crazy high during the Halloween season. Too many ruined Splats.
With their stickiness, the bone launchers' use is clear -- they're the only way to chuck the things with any kind of real momentum. The package suggests only throwing the Splats at glass surfaces, warning that it may stain pretty much every other kind of surface. Make sure you have big windows or great aim. The toys' most impressive feature is how well they physically "splat" -- it's not just a case of a toy being able to stick to a wall for a while before rolling down to the floor. Splats virtually explode upon impact, and will remain disfigured until you decide to rub them back into the World of Pretty. Check it one time:
The photos above will give you some idea, but the Splats splat with even more intensity depending on how hard and how far you throw 'em. You can splat them into perfect slime puddles with the right shot.
Course, if you have pets or a progressive stance on housecleaning, try not to drop your Halloween Splats. They collect debris so well you'd swear someone tipped them off to a secret debris redemption center, where every strand of cat hair or forgotten chip crumb brings yet another nickel. Amazingly, even with all of the dirt, it took me 45 minutes to get the gooheads off my hand. And now, if I'm introduced via handshake to any new pals, they're gonna think I just did myself.
Overall: Halloween means something different to everyone. If it means "globby Frankenstein heads good for throwing at mirrors" to you, go to the debris redemption center and collect four bucks worth of nickels. 7 outta 10.
- Matt (10/08/04)
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