September 19, 2004:
Halloween season is the only time of year where malls filled with bloody rubber fingers are par for the course, so if you're the type who'd enjoy a shopping experience much more if sights of disgusting fake organs and general disembodiment were sprinkled in, now's the time for some new pants.
Phony body parts serve many purposes, far more purposes than you'd credit phony body parts for just in passing. They work as costume accessories, spooky living room decorations, last-ditch pillows and tools of illustration with which to keep young children in line. Plus, when you luck out and find a rubber body part that's particularly lifelike, it's a thrilling thing to hold. Even when the material involved is just simple everyday rubber, nothing can take all of the sadistic charm out of holding a severed limb. For these moments, however brief, anybody can look like a sick, evil son of a bitch. We take the surplus of mutilated rubber body parts for granted all too often during Halloween season, always forgetting that they'll be gone for another year come November. It's gotta stop. Don't waste time -- cover your couch in scores of plastic ugly before it's too late.
Found at three different stores at three different times because I can't be at three stores at the same time, I picked up the assorted rubber body parts shown above for a total cost of around 14 bucks. None are realistic enough to fool anyone, but they're still visceral and creepy, and 66.66% of them come complete with decaying bones protruding out the tear area. Without those bones, the toys are without a money shot.
This fabulous "Cut-Off Finger," making its American debut after spending decades toiling through the troubled ranks of China's phony body part business, was dirt cheap and totally adequate for any corner of the house that I personally felt would look better with a mangled finger. An excellent tape-on accessory for anyone trick-or-treating as a mad doctor or cannibal, the Cut-Off Finger tops most of the other fake fingers on the market with the happy inclusion of guts and bones at the wound. My only complaint is that this isn't made of candy.
The "Severed Arm" was the most expensive of the trio, but also the most regal -- it's the kind of fake arm that makes people look at you and wonder how they could get the secret locations of the assuredly upscale places you shop at out of you. I'm also appreciative for the fact that they've finally mastered the art of making fake body parts suitable both for indoor and outdoor environments. I always hated taking a bloody hand outside and never knowing what fate awaited.
Not bad. The hand itself looks not quite human, with pointed fingernails, a purplish hue and enough bulging veins to make Hulk Hogan freak out and check his hands to make sure nobody cut one of them off, brother. The "arm," concealed by a torn, bloodied shirt, is actually just a rod of plain foam. Don't let your victims inspect too closely if you want to keep up the realism; nobody is afraid of foam. Costume add-ons notwithstanding, you can't believe how much edgier your spooky setup feels with a few severed arms littering the premises. Makes it look like you really tried, and offsets all the lame plastic pumpkin containers that you swore you'd find candles small enough to fit inside 'em without starting fires all those years ago. But you never did. So they just sit there, being ugly. You frequently entertain the idea of filling them with handout Snickers, but in moments of clarity and truth, you know it'll never happen. So much agida could be avoided with the simple addition of a severed arm.
Plus, assuming you'll have the chance to show this bitch off to kids young enough to believe anything you say, you'll have a great opportunity to conjure up an origin story for the severed arm. "Ye gads, it was nearly 25 years ago when I met Jim. Jim was a quiet man, but everyone suspected his involvement in the mysterious disappearance of John, your real father. Timothy...this arm belongs to your father." If the kid starts crying, you win.
Finally, the "Cut Off Hand" provides a good middle-ground between the minuscule finger and the extravagant arm. It's the fake body part for people who just don't know how far they want to go. Like the finger, the Cut Off Hand comes to us from China. Damn...whole lotta sick Halloween shit comes from China. I bet if you ransacked every house in China, you'd find half a million big-footed girls kept in cages with mounds of latex and paint, being fed pellets by their cruel masters/novelty salesmen only after completing another gross of faux chewed eyeballs. Take a look...
Wow, awesome job on the wound area. I'm not sure if we really have bones like that in our arms in that specific spot, but it's not like anybody's about to rip off their own arm to discredit your rubber version. The trail of blood is a nice touch, though it robs you of the opportunity to pull off a good fake-out by placing the hand in your sleeve as shown above. I've seen the trick on television and in movies a zillion times, and my own private dream is to get someone to shake my fake scary hand at least once before I die. I don't think I'll manage that with a hand featuring such an obviously fake blood trail. Now I hate China again.
Also: I never realized how demure my hands were until placed next to the bloody fake one. Now I hate China and feel like I can't use a wrench without looking silly. The Great Pumpkin's going to skip my house this year, I just know it.
- Matt (9/19/04)
DROP A COMMENT?
RETURN TO X-ENTERTAINMENT!
|
|
|
 |
