September 24, 2004:
Okay, so we've all seen Halloween window clings before. You've probably bought dozens of them through the years. Problem is, window clings rarely if ever look truly scary. You can put coffins on your front lawn and hang dead goats from the trees...if there's a smiling lime green witch offering kids cartoon cookies stuck to your window, your house ain't scary.
Sure, you've always got fake cobwebs, but they live up to the name I just gave them by looking less like webs and more like a ball of cotton packaged in a spider-themed polybag. I prayed to God for spooky window dressing; it didn't work. So now I pray to Satan. He knows how to make anything frightening. Kids, stop filling out those quarter-cards for Lent and start crushing live birds with your bare hands. It's the only way to get our windows looking presentable.
Then I prayed to Geoffrey instead. Check out what I found at Toys 'R' Us...
3D Bloody Words! Which I shall now christen "3-D Bloody Words" because not putting the hyphen in there really drives me nuts. Wait till you see how these things work. There's several phrases available; I picked up "Beware," "Stay Out" and the best of the lot, a no-words trail of simple dripping blood. I assumed they'd be clear plastic "pockets" filled with ominous red liquid even after close inspection, but I was met with entirely different beasts upon opening the packages. Beasts that made me crave Fruit Roll-Ups.
I don't know if I should've been happy or disappointed or capable of creating fire with my eyes, but at the very least, I was surprised. And my hands were all sticky. The 3-D Bloody Words assortment consists of long, gooey, slimy strands of rubbery latex, stinking of paint, impossibly stuck together but still somehow cool.
The Sheets of Stick are really tough to handle. For one, they don't necessarily stick to the intended surfaces they way they should. The packages suggest a glass canvas first and foremost, but that didn't work out too well. Secondly, they're too sticky for their own good. To form the "Stay Out" banner correctly, I had to first spend twenty minutes untangling the letters from one another in ways that would've made my constantly embraced computer wires cry with inferiority. Finally, the poisonous latex stench was too thick for me to do this standing up, so I couldn't reach any windows. I was up half the night trying to get over this. On the upside, the finished product is pretty decent...
Not bad, eh? They're creepy, they look bloody, and they're light-years beyond happy ghost window clings in the Make Children Piss department. I ended up throwing 'em on a white wall in the hopes for clearer pics -- unfortunately, I neglected to read the last line of the thirty-line warning which explicitly advised against it. Sure enough, the walls are now permanently stained with antagonistic Halloween slogans. They're also a major bitch to peel off the walls, an exercise that lasted a full five minutes and included several instances of me being whipped in the eye by errant strands of latex blood.
Adequately eerie indeed. In the animated pic above, the reason the "Stay Out" shot's so blurry is because I was TREM-BAH-LEENG with fear. On the other hand, I could totally handle "Beware."
I didn't intend that to be shaped like a heart, but I'm glad it is, because I love you.
Spooky Score:  
Whatever that means.
- Matt (9/24/04)
DROP A COMMENT?
RETURN TO X-ENTERTAINMENT!
|
|
|
 |
