September 29, 2004:
I picked up the A Nightmare on Elm Street DVD boxed set a few weeks ago, and during the extras, whenever someone from the various casts and crews wanted to play up how huge the franchise was, they'd reference the scary amount of kids who wore Freddy Krueger costumes on Halloween. Can't argue with that -- you know your shit's hot when children dress up like it. Halloween is sort of the barometer by which franchises are compared, all according to the greasy kids' costume choices. Through the years, Freddy Krueger costumes have survived. They've been in costume shops every year since '84, and while we're at it, the same can be said for Jason Voorhees of the Friday The 13th series. They're never going away, and the dumb Halloween costumes make it easy for fans of either franchise to point and prove that their beloved geek thing is still vital.
Not that this at all directly relates to the topic at hand: knockoff Jason and Freddy costumes. Though the studios have a perfect right to sue over the more obvious and detailed varieties, most knockoff F & J costumes swing by under the radar on lame technicalities. You can sue someone over a labeled-as-such Jason costume, but you can't sue 'em if they call it "Hockey Player." Here's the best examples I could find...
"The Fright Glove" is an obvious rip on Freddy's glove, and an incredibly overpriced one at that. Nine bucks for this piece of shit. It was ideal to show someone wielding the bladed mitt on the package art, but obviously, they couldn't show Freddy Krueger because buying the imaging rights would've taken them above the thirty dollar budget allocated to producing these things. Instead of Freddy, we get the guy who, starting from the next paragraph, will be directly and very eerily at left.
 It's the Devil, mang. Satan in all his glory, borrowing tools from the wretched Hollywood souls who litter his backyard with pipe-laden arenas and explosive houses. I don't think I'll ever see a more happy interpretation of Satan, and you'd be excited too if this was the first time in history that you've been allowed to accessorize. I always hate it when Hell's finest have better teeth than me.
Gotta love the slogan on the bottom left part of the card: "Guaranteed to turn your Dreams into Screams!" That's a little ambitious; if I was trying to avoid legal threats from Freddy Krueger, I wouldn't single out his trademarks for my made-up superpowers. Dreams are strictly Freddy's business; I can no longer continue the charade and call that red-faced potsticker up there "Satan."
The Fright Glove is, of course, atrocious. The package mentions how the glove uses "soft blades" for added safety, something I took to mean that the tips weren't "sharp," and that the material used was pliable. Those two traits are indeed present, but the company meant "soft" in a more literal way. Flimsy to the point that they collapse under their own weight and fold inward like fortune teller fish do when you're in love, the blades make any would-be serial killer look more like the guy who spreads butter on complimentary bread at a really gimmicky restaurant.
It doesn't exactly fit right, either. The plastic outer chunks are clumsy and miscalculated; they bang into each other long before your fingers can slip comfortably into the cut up sheet of death they're trying to pass off as a glove. It makes for some very agitated young Freddy Krueger wannabes, who ultimately end up looking the part even more because of how pissed off they get over the shitty gloves. Maybe the Taiwanese knew what they were up to here.
It's much harder for a company to fake a Freddy Krueger mask, but the poor guy's sweaters are auctioned off recklessly even by those who don't bother to research the right stripe colors. Jason fights a similar battle, but this time, the face is targeted.
"Hockey Mask." It's true that, once in a millennia, a child does actually require the "Hockey Mask" to look more like a hockey player, but 99.3% of the time, it's just the cheapest way to be Jason. You can pick up a generic jumpsuit and rubber machete with ten bucks and a two minute car drive, so this is one of the easiest recognizable ensembles a kid could come up with. That's why "official" Jason costumes come with so much unnecessary shit: they can't get away with just masks and knives when everyone else is doing it cheaper.
There's a million of these from all parts of the world, with many different nuances, shades of white and number of breathing holes. There's a few really good ones that bear the same level of grime, blood and damage as the versions Jason wore, but what's shown above is the standard: a simple white mask that may or may not glow in the dark. Best of all, these babies are often on sale for as little as two bucks a pop.
Hot Tip: Wear the hockey mask and Fright Glove simultaneously to a Halloween party, punch yourself in the mask with the glove, and tell people you're a movie that should've been a whole lot better. When they don't get it, bring up that old Fat Boys video Freddy starred in. Isn't it hilarious even now?
"Lonely Tylenol" is a palindrome. I had to look it up so don't credit me.
- Matt (9/29/04)
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