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October 12, 2005:
There comes a time in every man's life when he feels guilty loving things that so many of his contemporaries only once loved. Our collective sense that the shit we fill our voids with should be replaced with more respectable shit ever grows, and someday, I might give in and get laid. Someday, maybe. I'll have to stop pissing the floor with excitement every time I find cool new Hi-C juice flavors first, but just after smoking, it's something I fully intend to work on.
Yes, King Hi-C sat on Mars in his big fruity throne, glancing at our planet and thinking, "Self? If my throne was there, what would keep the subjects happy?" In October, the obvious answer was a new Hi-C fruit juice that tied in with Halloween, and if there's anything King Hi-C has never been afraid of being, it's obvious. With his mighty pitchfork, the royal rascal struck the ground and split the ground open and turned the pieces of the ground that broke off into zillions of tall, slender boxes of Halloween Hi-C. Sold thirty to a case for under five bucks, it's a squeal steal that seems to suggest that families give boxes of Hi-C out to trick-or-treaters. I realize that this isn't outright stated, but I'm staring a monster in the face and I definitely recognize it as Count Implication. On one hand, you could stick a donkey who never stops flicking its tongue in front of my balls and I'd still say that getting a box of Hi-C while out trick-or-treating provides more instant jollies. Sadly, there's always a flip. Would a Hi-C juice box really survive the night? Isn't it far more likely that it'd collapse under the weight of all those fun-sized Snickers bars, thus ruining every last piece of candy in your sack with the unforgivable stickiness of 10% fruit juice?
They're more appropriate either for the small ones in your life who brown bag their way to school each day, or more gloriously, they're perfect for Halloween parties. I don't care if you're in your forties and throwing a party exclusively for other people in their forties -- Halloween Hi-C suits the occasion. And as the camera pans in closer...
...we notice that the dark sky was the limit for how spooky Hi-C could become. "Frightening Fruit Punch" is the new flavor's name, and while it doesn't taste any different from regular Hi-C fruit punch, I'm going to lie and say it does to everyone who asks from now on. The liquid itself is colorless -- most of what Hi-C puts out nowadays is, as they're then allowed to promote their goods as "non-staining" fruit juice. It's something fruit juices actually made from fruit can't always say.
The boxes are altogether ooky, crafted in the finest Halloween orange with all sorts of batshit crazy stuff going on, emphasis on bat. Be on the lookout for creepy spiders with creepy webs, and jack o' lanterns that clearly indicate with their expressions that they just drank some really awesome juice. The boxes are slimmer than the Hi-C norm, but the sum total mass of juice remains unchanged as they've also been made taller. "Frightening Fruit Punch" is sort of like the Capri cigarette of the Hi-C juice box world.
Okay, what's up with them not noticing the great white pun in their lap? They totally should've italicized and underlined "count."
Yes, the backs of the juice boxes feature zany Halloween brainteasers, though there's no big huge assortment of different games -- just the one above. In it, you stare at a really weird picture of Dracula for about a minute before realizing that the gaps in his teeth are actually spiders, at which point you figure the words hanging above Dracula's head that you'd neglected to read were probably more important than anyone could've predicted. There are 13 spiders in all to find, because hey, that's fucking funny there that they made the total amount of spiders the most unholy number of 'em all. I'm doing my patented impression of Sophia's patented impression of the Danny Thomas spit-take right now. I'm wasting so much Frightening Fruit Punch doing this!
Whoa, Hi-C is pasteurized? Way to rock my world with eleven letters, Hi-C.
I can't pretend that I'm going to drink it all the time. I know the law of averages when it comes to lying successfully and I don't think I should blow my wad lying about how in love I am with Hi-C. I'm not like, FREAKING OUT, but I do appreciate the existence of "Frightening Fruit Punch," remembering just how much a silly thing like Ecto Cooler shaped my life and helped me overcome hydrocephalus. I just know that there's kids out there drinking this juice and loving this juice so much that they'll never ever forget it. That's why I like it. Every generation should have a Hi-C flavor to identify with.
- Matt (10/12/05)
One year ago on the Halloween Countdown:
The Power of Halloween Specials!
Two years ago on the Halloween Countdown:
THe Halloween Party Pack!
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