October 3, 2005:
I'd be lying if I said that Freddy Krueger and/or Jason Voorhees played a tremendous role in the entertainment value of my youth. They popped up every now and again, but my love for their respective franchises has only sprung in recent years, and even still, that love is more for the films' atmospheres than, you know, horror.
That hasn't kept either character from being personally affecting. I love Freddy for being the ultimate weird pop idol, surviving for over twenty years, mostly unchanged save for an improved sense of humor. I love Jason for being, as they say, "pretty cool for a retard." I love them for being cold, bloodthirsty killers who still manage to carry enough charisma to be immortalized in the forms of various children's toys -- like "Spitballs."
There's been a recent swarm of companies that make "collectibles," which is really just a more respectful way of saying "toys for people too old to play with them." The Internet could be credited in part, giving millions of closeted toy collectors a way to interact with each other and trade stuff. "Toys & Hobbies" isn't one of the largest categories on eBay purely because of actual children, no way. Within that, and within many adult geeks having a severe passion for the horror genre, there have been oodles of Elm Street and F13 toys that've arrived in recent years with a more sophisticated (bloody) edge. Though some of these "toys" may end up in kids' hands, they're made specifically for adults. With emphasis on detail instead of actual playability, I myself am the proud owner of a nearly complete line of Jason Voorhees 12" dolls, one from each F13 film. With their gruesome detail, and accessories ranging from mutilated arms to corpse heads, they're not for the sandbox, but they sure look great on the top shelf twenty-something's entertainment unit.
It wasn't always this way.
I credit the Internet with this boom in part for the reasons mentioned above, but also because it gave adults-into-toys a forum to be heard. When Freddy and Jason first came into prominence, no such forum really existed. If they were going to become toys, they were just going to be toys. For kids. That's why we got things like Freddy Spitballs. Sure, Freddy was kind of big with kids, but really only around Halloween. These toys had nothing to do with costuming. The figural balls, each with a tiny hole in the mouth, could be filled with water that'd shoot out "over eighteen feet" when the balls were squeezed. There's a lot of connotations in my wording that will probably have to be edited out later, but my digression is this: There's no fucking way that water can squirt eighteen feet. Nell Carter called, she wants another break.
While Freddy Spitballs are negotiably easy to digest as "children's toys" because of the character's humor and frequent references to Nintendo peripherals, the Jason and Victim Spitballs set is tougher to comprehend. Back then, Jason was nothing even approaching PG-13 level, much less PG. Though both stars were R-only up until that point, only Freddy had been specifically catered to be "less of a big deal" if a minor happened upon his work. I realize that Jason didn't speak, but even if he had, it's not like he was going to end up with his own kid-consumed 1-900 number.
Freddy Krueger was worth more than the sum of his movies in the public's collective, filthy eye, and he actually managed a fairly large collection of toys. Comparably, Jason had very few. In fact, he had almost nothing. Something as specialized and offbeat as "Spitballs" would usually be reserved for a character who had enough proven interest from kids to make anything with his/her likeness on it sell like crazy. This whole situation seemed odd even before people got around to registering the fact that the toys were just rubber heads that squirted water.
The art adorning the back of each set's package suggested that Andy Warhol didn't die, but instead went into hiding, lived through a pseudonym and sold out hardcore. It's quite cute, all things considered, and I don't think I'd like the Spitballs so much if it weren't for all the bright illustrations. What were once only the rubber heads of known serial killers were now strong contenders to break my raggedy Kermit the Frog doll's streak for consecutive show n' tell sessions at school.
Course, I'm not sure the complex art of submerging rubber balls underwater and squeezing them necessitated illustrations, but how could the people behind these toys resist the opportunity to doodle such pictures for a veritable reason? When it comes to drawing Freddy Krueger's head being held underwater by a giant hand, we're talking about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Good for them.
I give Jason nod for making the coolest transition into Spitball form, but that may just be because our eyes are drawn to white space. Freddy's obviously the most unique in the set, looking positively ridiculous with the hat and the half-crazy skin and the... Wait, he looks just like "Littleface" from the Dick Tracy Movie. I'm serious.
The victim Spitballs are kinda lame. Of the four, only Jason was able to take the plunge and not look at all frigged up over it. Pretty cool for a retard. Made with a special kind of rubber with a special kind of rubbery smell, I happily confirm that the rubbery smell travels nicely if you squeeze the Spitballs towards your face without water inside. I'm totally in the Cabbage Patch here. It's the kind of smell that gives credence to my theory that the world should pour baby powder on their crotch before going out into the world each day.
The Spitballs' small size is deceptive; they can hold a lot more water than you might presume. One "fill" is good for three massive squirts. The power of the stream is best described as a lightweight piss, but it's strong enough to knock soft stuff around -- notably the other Spitball figures.
Arriving in the very late `80s and impressing no one, it's surprising that a fair number of Freddy and Jason Spitball sets have survived through the years -- they're relatively common finds on eBay, and since so few people have heard of them, their prices have barely appreciated beyond the point of their original retail cost.
For more information about these products, check out Spitballs: The Movie.
- Matt (10/3/05)
One year ago on the Halloween Countdown:
The Scary Shopping Contest!
Two years ago on the Halloween Countdown:
Choose Your Own Adventure!
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