October 29, 2005:
And so, here we are. Last weekend before Halloween. Last weekend before all the things I've bought and decorated and wore and ate and watched and heard stop being meaningful for another year. It's kind of like being on the last few hours of a really great cruise -- the port's in sight, you're just treading water, and while there's still enough time to go have a good time, the trip's so close to ending that you just can't have fun. I do this to myself every year, with every holiday that's important to me. I know I won't really care in a week, but what if I do? It'll be too late to watch Mr. Boogedy and have it be anything but just watching Mr. Boogedy. This is probably why Thanksgiving exists -- you need some kind of holiday placebo to curb your shit between October and December.
I'm a depressing, whiny eel, I know, but I promise, it's not something I carry with me, and it's not something that really hits unless I'm in a situation like this: Trying to write about Halloween on the eve of Halloween. I'm not sure what was missing this year, but I didn't carve a pumpkin, so let's use that. Next year, I'm carving a pumpkin.
There was one tradition I didn't skimp on, thank God. ABC bit the bullet and broadcast It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown this past Tuesday at 8 PM. Now, I own the special. I own it on VHS, I own it on DVD. I own it as an officially licensed VHS, I own it as the star of a Halloween compilation tape I made as a kid. I own the DVD as a single release and as part of a special Charlie Brown "holiday pack." In short, there really isn't any good reason for me to watch it on television -- except for tradition.
So, on it went. This wasn't CBS, and thus, I didn't get to see the word "SPECIAL" fly at the screen in a circular, batshit crazy notion while neon colors threatened to take me out back and psycho my soul to pieces. Instead, the lead-in was a mere promo for The George Lopez Show, but since George made it a point to do some really inspired Halloween episodes over the past few years, I'm going to forgive his ill-timed hop-aboard and not make this article all about how much we should all gang up and kill George Lopez.
All told, I'm so glad I watched the special. I almost didn't. I was going to spend the few free hours I had doing a promised Countdown entry, but the beauty of missing so many deadlines on it this year was an ever-decreasing sense of responsibility. Those who were holding me to the promise of entries-every-weekday already hated me, so there was no sense in missing Sally do her patented megabitch freakout when she realizes that Linus is a fucking idiot. Sorry guys.
I plopped on the bed with a bowl of candy, cup of coffee and a cat who always managed to get in the way. If I tallied up all the times I've kicked a cat in my life, I think about 85% of those kicks would've transpired last Tuesday night. I didn't mind so much that my cat got in the way during all of Snoopy's Red Baron scenes, because if I'm being honest, those were always just pissbreaks for me anyway.
While I connected with Linus's misguided devotions as a child and still today, I have to admit that I'm more of a Charlie Brown. The fact that the B-level characters used the back of his head as a pumpkin carving guideline isn't so bad -- it's the happy face Charlie had on beforehand that makes it so offensive. I don't know how many small details you guys remember from this special, but one thing I noticed is how often the animators went for the "scribbly red blushing effect." It was all over the place. Everybody in this special got the scribbly red blushing effect over their face at least seventeen times. This is the only scene where it didn't feel all out of place. It's not even the embarrassment of having your head used for this purpose -- it's the fact that poor Charlie Brown was never able to look himself in the mirror again without worrying about his head's general size and shape. If Schultz got into DC's Vertigo comics in the `90s and decided to become edgier, I'm positive he would've written up a Great Pumpkin reunion special where an adult Charlie Brown just runs in and guns everyone down.
My tradition of watching these specials on television every year despite owning them outright has a lot to do with keeping a close eye on the commercial breaks, desperately hoping for holiday-themed commercials to fill my soul with holiday-themed spirit. Aside from a couple of network show promos that added pumpkin graphics to the ABC logo, there wasn't anything like that. As they say on Halloween, BOO. Nevertheless, there was some interesting stuff -- plenty of toy commercials, which are always a treat to see during prime-time. The best of the lot was...well, I can't really remember what it was for exactly, but it starred half a dozen of the food industry's most recognizable mascots, from Mr. Peanut to the Jolly Green Giant, and even Charlie the freakin' Tuna. I don't know what was going on because I was so snap-happy with the camera, but all of these characters were enjoying a big party dinner around a big party table. This wouldn't be the basis for a weekly series under any other set of circumstances with any other set of characters, but can't you see the potential? I don't care if they just had characters sit around practicing sign language for thirty minutes a week -- the world would watch it, and as network television endures by way of its advertisers, how could they pass up on a show with such obvious, inbuilt opportunities? If people are willing to watch Mr. Peanut cook the Jolly Green Giant a steak, it's practically a given that they'll sit through peanut commercials and ads for brussel sprouts.
My two favorite scenes in It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown are the Halloween party sequence and what's represented in the photo above -- the trick-or-treat sequence. As a child, I don't think I ever had as much fun with my buds as I did while out on the candy prowl, dressed like idiots, talking like idiots, eating like idiots and covered in shaving cream. This is where the speicial really shines, and that's no surprise, since Peanuts is championed not for being full of LOL moments, but for perfectly echoing the glories and failures of every kid who'd ever read the comic, or in this case, seen the comic brought to life on the small screen with funky music. Wow, there is not one redeemable sentiment in this entire paragraph.
Nor this one. Picture Lucy's face. Now look at Lucy's costume. That's not just a witch mask. It's a witch mask with a flesh colored human eye section. Why? I can't answer that, but Lucy definitely had bead eyes. Whatever eyes are seen above are purely part of the costume, and that's just freaky. Remember how Lucy asked for an extra helping of candy from all of the houses, because stupid Linus was wasting time at the pumpkin patch and thus wouldn't have any of his own? Come on, true or not, there's no way families were buying that story. I've tried it. It works like twice out of every hundred times, and when the success percentage is that low, you kind of just give up on the whole thing. That freaky human/witch/eye/green/DON'T KNOW mask is the only reason she was able to pull it off. A costume is a costume and it's all in good fun, but if that thing told me to kill my dog and eat its entrails, the fear would make me obey.
It was a speedy thirty minutes. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown was typically followed up with Garfield's Halloween Adventure throughout my childhood and well into the `90s, but the latter special is by no means a given nowadays -- and certainly not this year. And while it's not like there are very many Halloween specials to choose from, none of the others aired on network TV. This stupid show is our last vestige.
I've been "living Halloween" since late August, truth be told, and as usual, I'm pretty gassed from it by now. It's not going down with any great big bangs, but I'll always have -- and remember -- last Tuesday. I've always been huge on the holidays. Really huge. Too huge. In school, I always screwed up hardcore from October until New Year's, as all of that wonderful anticipation kept me from doing any homework. Up until a year before last, I was always somehow able to dedicate myself to the holidays 100% and pay little attention to anything else. It's not a luxury I can afford anymore. This season's taught me that. I've learned what most of you already know. Just thinking about the holidays and talking about the holidays isn't enough. Heck, writing about them isn't enough. Next year, I'm going to really live the Halloween season. I'm going to carve a pumpkin. I'm going to get a costume. I'm going to buy a cylindrical package of oven breadsticks, wrap them loosely around frankfurters and make hot dog mummies with little mustard drop eyes. I hope you've all been doing these things.
Have a tremendous Halloween, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed X-E's 2005 Halloween Countdown, but I hoped you've enjoyed a lot more than just that.
