October 5, 2005:
The 2005 Halloween season has felt rather flat to me thus far, but I admit that this is in part because...well, I've already covered half the stuff out there in the past two Countdown features. Even so, everything does seem rather...I dunno, subdued? I hate to think that I'm just getting too old and/or busy and/or something to notice all of the wonderful things that used to delight me so much during the season, but I can't tell a lie: That is part of it. I haven't even had time to make tissue ghosts, and that takes, what, two minutes? I've spent many calendar years as what most would consider a loser with too much time on his hands. Oh, to have one more year like that. To be able to travel through the days with nothing but the hunt for Halloween decorations in mind, just once more before the Man bastardizes my soul until I retire at 65. At least we've still got the candy.
There's some truth to what I'm saying - Halloween decreases in scope ever so slightly, year after year. That's why things like Jones Soda's Halloween soft drinks are so important. It's proof that somewhere in the material world, people still care. It's sort of a tricky thing, because I'm not sure exactly what changes I'm asking for. I'd love it if the Charlie Brown and Garfield Halloween specials got major play on a major day, and I'd love it if I had some truly guaranteed reason to put a lot of effort into my Halloween costume. I hate getting older. Having fun is so much more of a crapshoot.
But, like I said...we've still got the candy. The 2005 Halloween season is certainly dry on a few fronts, but nobody can complain about the sweets -- for those, it's actually one of the best years in recent memory. Proof's in the pudding: On previous Countdowns, I've generally reviewed one particular candy in one particular entry. This year, there's just too much cool candy to do that. If I don't lump 'em by the group, we'll be here till March.
So, here's more of this year's greatest candies, either new for the 2005 season or news to me for the 2005 season. Some lollipops, some gummy body parts, and GUM.
Gummy Body Parts: Last year, I reviewed "Gummy Fangs," made by the same company that makes these. Looks like they were a hit, as the idea has been brought to its maximum potential with this big bag of body parts, including teeth, eyeballs, ears, noses and toes. Though most gummy candies from different makers share a similar flavor, these have a taste all their own. The more "translucent" parts of the candies -- the deep red parts -- represent the fruity norm. Wherever the candies appear more "fleshy," the taste and texture is more akin to marshmallows. I'm not sure if I like it. For instance, I simply could not eat the eyeball. It's too foamy, and this is coming from someone whose mouth is approximately eighty times larger than those of the target demographic.
Continuing the tradition set by last year's Gummy Fangs, the Gummy Body Parts pack one freaky ass powerful odor. The scent penetrates the room before you even open the bag. It's gotten to the point where I'm going to have to repaint the entire apartment to get the stench out. I'm not saying that it's an entirely unpleasant scent, but there's no denying that there are going to be times when people really don't want to be smelling gummy candy. If I'm cooking chicken, I want to smell chicken. Not gummy chicken. Just chicken.
Caramel Apple Pops: I've never gotten into the caramel apple craze. Never, not once. Candy apples, caramel apples...they do nothing for me. I've never been particularly fond of the idea of friggin' up fruit, nor do I enjoy spending twenty minutes washing candy off my face for every five spent eating it. It's a bias that I recognize, and I'd really hate to throw monkey shit at these Caramel Apple Pops just because I'm one of the very few people predisposed to hate them. Calling upon a greater power, I sexily insert the lollipop through my lips with an open mind.
And you know what? They ain't bad! Caramel Apple Pops are all business, with simple packaging and theatrics. The lollipops have no cohesive shape -- they're just big globs of caramel plopped on top of simple green apple lollipops. Very much like a reversed Tootsie Pop (they're actually made by Toosie), you happily munch on the generous dose of caramel before introducing your teeth to a very sour and very hard candy center. Now that's the part I don't like. If you eat all of the caramel off and throw the things away before moving onto the cheap green apple candy, it's a better experience.
Juicy Fruit Monster Sticks: Okay, now here's the good stuff. I loooove these. Sure, Juicy Fruit isn't as big of a hit with kids or gum chewers in general these days. For fruity fun lovers, there's far more fruity fun choices. For people with bad breath...well, there's gum out there that turns your mouth into Mint Valley and whitens your teeth at the same fucking time. Despite this, and thankfully, Wrigley's hasn't really retooled the original Juicy Fruit. They've added a few spinoffs, but the original Juicy Fruit is essentially the same as it's always been. With new generations of children far less likely to make this classic brand their default gum, Wrigley's came up with a brilliant plan -- the Juicy Fruit "Monster Sticks."
The Monster Sticks are, for all intents, double-sized pieces of Juicy Fruit. Wrapped in special edition spooky packages in a wide array of Halloween colors, they are exactly the size and shape of two pieces of regular Juicy Fruit. Strangely appealing and surreal to see. They're not the kind of treats that costumed kiddies would first lunge for the second after returning home on Halloween night, but between their uniquity and eerie packaging, who wouldn't welcome 'em to their loot bag? If you raise your hand, I swear to God I'll kill you.
I'd classify these more as "free samples without the free." Wrigley's is trying to persuade unaffiliated mouths to make Juicy Fruit their #1. This would usually be done by handing out 50 trillion free samples, but Wrigley's figured out a way to profit. Each bag contains 33 sticks, but with the size thing, that's really 66 pieces of Juicy Fruit. 66 is one 6 away from being even more Halloweeny.
Hubba Bubba Scary Shapes: Also from Wrigley's, Hubba Bubba Scary Shapes smell and taste like just original flavor Hubba Bubba, but beyond that, everything has changed. EVERYTHING. The orange exteriors reveal black middles in various spooky shapes, but as you can see, the alleged "bats" and "skulls" get smooshed up propa in the shipping process. An unadvertised feature that's totally worth mentioning is the fact that, after some good chewing, the colors blend together to create a really putrid -- but extremely Halloweeny -- muddy green color.
I've never seen Halloween bubble gum in any sort of official capacity before this year, and Wrigley's has given us two more reasons to exercise the only part of the human body that doesn't need it. Though a bit on the small side to get anything but a halfhearted "thx" from door-knockin' trick-or-treaters, I hereby declare Wrigley's the Official Large Corporation of Halloween, narrowly defeating General Mills and whatever company is chiefly responsible for the creation of rubber bats.
Nestle's Boo Bowl: Finally, there's the Boo Bowl, which isn't so much a "bowl" as it is a "box," filled with a trio of candy bars that don't compliment each other well at all. Containing fun-sized Baby Ruth, Butterfinger and Crunch bars, Nestle would've been better served digging up a few more brands to include. This just isn't enough. Three different kinds of candy bars are always better than one, but when you show people a big, popup Frankenstein box like this, they're going to expect a bigger selection. It's sort of like saving the biggest gift for last on your birthday only to find a plastic hockey set inside the wrapping paper. Plastic hockey sets aren't so terrible, but you'd been led to expect more.
Ten bucks buys you ninety candy bars, meaning each costs roughly eleven cents. Actually, it's elevenfinity cents, which is to say, 0.111111111111111111111111, so I'm thinking this wasn't at all arbitrary. Some Nestle price manager was actively seeking to make calculators explode. Some people can't wait for Mischief Night.
See more of 2005's new Halloween Candy by clicking here.
- Matt (10/5/05)
One year ago on the Halloween Countdown:
Alice Cooper: The Man Behind The Mask!
Two years ago on the Halloween Countdown:
Halloween Sprinl'ins Yogurt Pakcs!
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