October 6, 2005:
After the Halloween doldrums mentioned in the previous entry, I seized the opportunity during my lunch break today to hit up the Toys "R" Us store in Times Square, hoping to nail a rejuvenated Halloween spirit through what would surely be a grand section filled with dozens of costumes, endless novelties and enough candy to feed the planet Neptune, which is indeed alive and has a fully formed mouth on its dark side. This being a tourist trap, I hadn't counted on them getting all skimpy with the Halloween goods, because really, folks who travel from Michigan to New York to see the world's biggest toy store don't wanna buy the same shit they can get back home. I forgive Geoffrey for disappointing me with a hideously crappy Halloween selection, but even in the grayest clouds, there's always something silver and shiny.
It's the official Play-Doh Halloween Trick or Treat Bag, a name so long I will never type it again. What were once only mini-sized tubs of Play-Doh in various colors are now...well, they're still just little tubs of Play-Doh, but they come in a big ass bag with a ghost on it. You know what I thank God the most for? Technicalities. This is a Halloween-related item.
Even with tax, I paid for the thing with a fiver and still got coins back. It's totally affordable, and it's totally filled with twenty mini tubs, in various colors. Though the Play-Doh itself hasn't been specially formulated to tie in with Halloween, it's amazing how far a simple plastic bag can take the experience. With ghosts and bats and a this and a that, I thought I could best emphasize my excitement in song:
Play-Doh! So nontoxic and soft...
Play-Doh! Sends my spirits up north...
Play-Doh! You don't give me no cough...
And cuz you don't need batteries, you just never turn off.
Oh, Play-Doh!
It sounds better with the music.
Now here's where things get a little sketchy. Play-Doh suggests giving away the tiny tubs to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. For those currently introducing half their jaw to the floor, I confirm that people actually do this. I've run a few polls on the blog, and there's a fair amount of people who consider these tiny Play-Doh tubs to be the among the worst treats they've ever received on that holiest of nights. I don't know if I agree with that. Actually, I definitely don't agree with that. I am the lawyer for the defense, and honey, I'm about to play the race card.
What's so wrong about getting a nice little tub of Play-Doh when you're out trick-or-treating? Am I really in the small minority who thinks that's awesome? I know I'm a broken record, I know we've been through this before. But we've never been through in boldface: Kids loooove it when they get some oddball, inedible thing in their trick-or-treat sack. It doesn't need to be anything major. It doesn't even have to be something "good." Fact is, adding something so far removed from the norm somehow improves the reputation of everything else in your sack by like, 30%. I don't know how to put this exactly, but I'll try...
You look down in your sack. There's three fun-sized Snickers bars.
Or!
You look down in your sack. There's a Play-Doh tub surrounded by two fun-sized Snickers bars.
Would you really prefer the first choice? If you're that god damned hungry, I remind you that Play-Doh is completely nontoxic and that most everyone on the planet has eaten at least a half a pound of it during the course of their lifetime. I can only speak from my own personal experiences, and my own personal experiences were this: When I got home from trick-or-treating, I didn't jump mouth-first into that sack. In fact, I held off on eating any of my loot for as long as possible, because as much as I enjoyed eating Halloween candy, I enjoyed having an impressive collection of it even more.
I'd count it, I'd arrange it, I'd divide it into groups -- only when the mood passed and I realized that Halloween was over did I feel comfortable gnawing away on all of those peanut butter cups. And that was fun, sure, but it wasn't anywhere near as important as fondling my booty for the few hours beforehand. Within this theory lies proof of Play-Doh's Halloween worth. If you're gonna just sit there lining up your Halloween loot for a few hours and not at all eat it, Play-Doh becomes the sack's equivalent of a movie star. Plus, while you're out actually getting the candy, the thrill of obtaining something this unusual was well worth the fact that you were going to be four ounces less fat the next morning.
Though this doesn't eradicate their appeal, I feel the Play-Doh itself could've used a small revamp. What if each only came with a swirl of orange and black Play-Doh inside? With pumpkin etchings on the tub lids, maybe? You're wondering if that's too much to ask for, and I sadly report that it is. See, all Play-Doh currently has to do is produce a couple of million plastic bags to throw their existing collection of miniature tubs inside, once again proving that October is the official month of Low Overhead. If they took my suggestion or took things a step further in a different way, the risks become too great. Halloween just isn't enough a sure thing to warrant those kinds of expenses. Not without the lies of Santa Clauses who bring presents, thus quadrupling the amount of people willing to spend money on toys. Halloween needs its own Santa.
Course, there's a few minor grievances that the Play-Doh People could've fielded with very little effort or money. For one, they should've at least limited the selection to negotiably Halloween colors -- oranges, blacks and whites. They didn't include any whites, and though the other two are present, they've brought along such unHalloweeny colors as bright purple and Christmas red. I'd call black the most desirable of the lot, but that's really just to fulfill my earlier promise of playing the race card.
I complained about the lack of white Play-Doh available, but I guess black ghosts are cool, and admittedly, I wouldn't have made a black ghost had they included white Play-Doh. I'm not sure if that's a paradox, but it sounds like it's getting close to being one. Maybe next year, Play-Doh.
In the span of 24 hours, Halloween Play-Doh has turned my Halloween frown upside-down. I believe again. I believe I can touch the sky.
- Matt (10/6/05)
One year ago on the Halloween Countdown:
Halloween Cheetos & Pringles!
Two years ago on the Halloween Countdown:
Halloween Pretzel Treats!
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