September 11, 2005:
Culling together various bits from various historical articles, I stand firm and shout that Mr. Potato Head was, is and will never be just a "toy." This American institution has enjoyed a wild road to the top and gave the world plenty of firsts. Based on a very old kit where you'd stick Potato Head-like body parts into real potatoes, Mr. Potato Head was then officially born as a cereal premium, slowly forming into the grand spud we know and love today. The first toy ever advertised on television, Mr. Potato Head soon found a wife, had kids, and in the ultimate turn of events, lost his humanity (potatoanity?) to become Darth Tater. He's done it all, and in 2002, Mr. Potato Head guaranteed his inclusion on the unborn X-Entertainment Halloween Countdown by dressing like Dracula and brandishing fangs. This is the story of a potato turned potatooga booga.
Most of the bigger holidays have been graced with their own Mr. Potato Head, but the Halloween version was the only one that came with a bow tie. And green ears. I've long believed that the true enjoyment anyone has ever had with a Mr. Potato Head toy lied not in creating it the "right way," but rather in getting all avant wacky fuck freaky. Everyone wants to believe that they've at one point created a one-of-a-kind Mr. Potato Head, whether by putting the nose where the hair goes, putting the mouth in an ear socket or what have you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you've never been original. Not a single one of you. Everyone's done it. Everyone's put ears in Mr. Potato Head's nose socket. As Frankenstein once told me, "Stop trying to be 'the one' and just try to have some fun! Good, good, good, good vibrations." Okay, he didn't say the last part.
This being an early Halloween Countdown entry, I remind you that in terms of the products/candies/shit covered, there's an uneven split between things currently available and things no longer available. The Halloween Potato Head I'm dancing with came out in 2002; it's possible that they still release the beaut year after year, but I wouldn't bet the God damned haunted farm on it. Still a fairly easy eBay find, it's unfortunate that all who sell Halloween Potato Heads on that avenue choose to do so at such exorbitant prices. Some might say there's a big market for slightly antique Mr. Potato Head junk. I say eBay sellers are raping our wallets with vampire stakes. But hey, green ears...that's gotta be worth triple the retail.
The set includes twelve pieces total, which is really only enough for one conceivable Mr. Potato Head outfit, but when that particular outfit is friggin' Dracula, it's easy to forgive. The number of tiny plastic bags hosting the tiny plastic body pieces is incredibly high, and as I've always theorized that one's chances of choking increases exponentially with the amount of times they have to tear tiny plastic bags open with their teeth, I just can't recommend this or any other Mr. Potato Head toy for children under six-years-old without adult supervision. Kids have not yet mastered the fine art of ripping sealed shit open with their teeth; it's a skill more meant for the finely barbaric jaws that come with adulthood.
Assuming little kids didn't choke on the plastic bags, this was a tremendous way to introduce them to that black heaven in the pie we call "horror." Dracula's very philosophy is enough to make a child's eyes bleed, but when you apply those evils to the form of a potato, all instances of scariness are transformed into instances of cute Potato Headness. And so, we ship our youth down the Sea of Satan and employ all resources into making sure they return not as people, but as scruffy red devils who perpetually shout "WHY I oughta" and just generally amuse the fuck out of us. And for God's sake, the thing has green ears.
You can't scare me, Mr. Potato Head. Your ears...they're globs of mint taffy to me. That snout, a giant Red Hot. And is that a pumpkin purse, you Draculady? I challenge you to a kung fu match, in the arena, to a full audience of mixed ethnicity, people and Potato Heads alike. I will take you down like a Tato Skin plague and give your eyes to an apple.
It's just that I could never get away with saying that shit to any other kind of Dracula.
