September 27, 2005:
I hope at least a few of you remember The Wickedest Witch, a made-for-television Halloween special that debuted on NBC in 1989. It deserves to be remembered. Starring Rue McClanahan as "Avarissa," bitch witch from Hell, this is just one of the thousand ways the former Golden Girls parlayed their renewed fame into more and more roles. The thirty-minute special hasn't aged well (unless you're a Blanche mark, and I am), but it still seems a little unfair that The Wickedest Witch only aired once in history and, as far as I know, never made it to home video.
Best described as a really poor story told exceptionally well, the special boasts a tale so thin that even a thirty-minute time slot feels generous. I was a total preteen when it aired, nowhere near jaded enough to consider the cheesy jokes and bargain basement special effects as anything but fantastic. Airing in place of The Hogan Family on a long ago October evening, it packed just enough Halloween sensibilities to turn my otherwise boring night off into something I still remember today. I'm not saying it was any good, as this review will prove, but anytime a major television network makes Rue McClanahan turn little reptilian Muppets into stone, I'm so there.
With narration provided by Burgess Meredith -- apparently seeking to top his role as "Golobulus" in G.I. Joe: The Movie for sheer "whaddafuck" value -- we learn that Avarissa was the wickedest of the witches, so evil and reprehensible that even the members of her own cove couldn't deal with her. Cursed to spend eternity underground with only a horde of unintelligent Grievels (Muppet-like reptiles) to rule, Avarissa grows bored playing bingo with her subjects, yearning to find a way to return to the surface world and once again wreak havoc.
The Grievels are intended to be the special's comedic relief. I guess. They're not "bad" by any means -- just a little slow, and Avarissa disposes of all Grievels who annoys her by turning them into stone. When I saw The Wickedest Witch as a child, I was a bit shaken up by how creepy they made Rue look. After seeing the witch blast a bunch of innocent little Kermits to pieces, I almost had the sense that I was in over my head. Was this going to be too scary for me? A Golden Girl in a wig? It was like, "C'mon, balls...drop already. This is just fucking Blanche here."
After consulting with a higher power named Schtick who lives inside a vending machine -- and I'm only going to mention that part briefly, because if I get started, we'll be here for hours -- Avarissa figures out a way to get back to civilization. Due to a loophole in her curse, she'll be freed if she's able to trick an innocent child into doing something evil. I have a feeling we'll be learning a valuable life lesson by the end of this thing!
Because of the curse, Avarissa can't go to the surface and snatch a kid herself -- no, that task must go to one of the Grievels. Hosting a game show to determine which Grievel is the most mentally capable for the mission at hand, she stumbles onto "Sammy," one of the less gruesome members of the pack who, despite living in obedient fear of Avarissa's two cent wand, doesn't seem to have any particular interest in being a kidnapping asshole. Still, and order is an order, and armed with a magical rock "worth one wish" in case he encounters any trouble, Sammy is rudely teleported to our world without Avarissa bothering to check if he needed to go turn off a coffee pot or something first.
With zero exposition, Sammy ends up in the bedroom of Earth boy "Lewis," a wannabe magician who appears far too trusting of the strange, alien creatures who materialize beyond his dresser. The two strike an unlikely but immediate bond, with Lewis establishing himself as an outcast whose hobbies limit the number of people willing to be friends with him. That said, it's easy to understand why he'd unload fifty-thousand lame magic tricks on Sammy's lap a second after they meet. Poor boy's been dying to show someone this shit for months.
This is where Burgess Meredith really needed to shine, because it's his narration that makes the out-of-nowhere montage of magic trick clips seem like the beginnings of a great friendship between third-grader Lewis and cave-creature Sammy. If we didn't have Burgess championing these activities as the start of an unending bond, how else would we take Sammy's apathetic reactions to the old "sliding thumb" trick to mean that these two were nWo 4 life?
Regardless of any newfound kinship, Sammy knows that he can't return home without Lewis, so they teleport to Avarissa's lair together. According to what the witch actually needs him for, Lewis isn't it any real terrific danger, but it still feels like a dicky move for Sammy to bring him down there without explaining the potential risks first. Once a Grievel, always a Grievel, ay Sammy? You see that shit floating down the river? That's the respect I used to have for you.
In an attempt to appear more trustworthy and less like a dried up monster hag, Avarissa disguises herself as Blanche Devereaux. Her plan is simple and stupid -- she's concocted a bunch of carnival games that Lewis can't win without harming a Grievel in the process, but even after demonstrating how easy her games are, Lewis refuses to play. He ain't hurtin' no innocent Grievels, not tonight, not ever. Picking up on the kid's fascination with magic, Avarissa begins offering the knowledge of various tricks for each time he wins a game. One of his almighty rewards is the ability to make a playing card float, and yes, you can totally see the string.
While Lewis had a problem playing certain games that seemed even slightly risky for the Grievels, he's somehow less conflicted with Avarissa's suggestion that he use her wand to turn Sammy into stone. Huh? Uh, kid, that one's obvious. He eventually catches on and expresses concern for Sammy, but Avarissa lies about how "Grievels like to be turned to stone" and that they could always be revered back later, anyway. Sammy pleads for his life, and just as Lewis is about to go through with the misdeed for reasons never adequately explored, his inner Catholic strikes a blow for Jesus and throws Avarissa's scepter to the ground, shattering it to pieces. I'm not doing the drama of this scene justice, which featured rotating close-ups of the key players (with Rue looking downright demonic in her final full-screener), mounting music and a nigh epileptic fit by our boy hero. If drumrolls were invented in 1989, you'd swear it was because of this scene.
With her wand destroyed, Avarissa is rendered powerless, now looking like a witch but unable to do any of the cool shit witches do. Storming off with hopeless intentions of gluing it back together, Lewis doesn't even get to do his "I WON!" hero pose because he'd too busy worrying about never getting home. In completely non-dramatic fashion, Sammy uses the wishing rock Avarissa gave him earlier to send his new friend back, and jeez, we don't even get a shot of Lewis landing safely in bed before his mother comes in to check on him. This kid got the shaft. With seemingly no idea that he was the star of a major Halloween special, he blows the chance for continued limelight by being absolutely blah throughout the entire thing. I spent half of an hour with Lewis, and still all I know is that he likes magic and doesn't like killing Grievels.
With her window of opportunity shut, Avarissa is forced to spend another three hundred years ruling the Grievel kingdom -- only now, she doesn't even have the powers necessary to keep them subservient. The Grievels are stupid, but they know when they've got someone's number. It doesn't take long for Avarissa to fall prey to the classic whoopee cushion gag, marking only the fifth time I heard a fart sound effect while watching The Wickedest Witch. The end.
Though less common nowadays because they're generally damaging to an actor's reputation, I have to wonder if Rue's appearance here was more due to an NBC-mandated provision in her Golden Girls contract, ordering the feisty mama to appear in any number of made-for-television movies. Don't know if that's the case here, but if it was...boy, she must've been PISSED. The Wickedest Witch wasn't so much bad as it was unnecessary, but in a world with so few Halloween specials, I'll take whatever I can find and love it to death. All research dictates that the special only aired once, but even if it returned for another broadcast or two, there's no denying that Rue's got the blues when it comes to her success rate with made-for-television Halloween specials. That doesn't mean she wasn't great in it -- she was, and unlike 95% of the actors thrown into this particular role, Rue really tried. The Wickedest Witch has been scarcely seen and almost never mentioned since its debut, and if you've haven't caught it already, you probably never will. These ridiculous clips will make you feel really bad about that.
THE WICKEDEST WITCH VIDEO CLIPS:
 No Mrs. Poole tonight, folks!
Avarissa turns a Grievel into a statue.
Rue, method acting.
Lewis & Sammy: Best Friends Forever.
Can Lewis resist the playful lures of evil?!
Wait wait, wait just a second. If Avarissa could make wishing rocks, why she couldn't she use them to wish herself out of the cave? I'm going to IMDB right now and starting The Wickedest Witch's "Goofs" section.
- Matt (9/27/05)
One year ago on the Halloween Countdown:
The Evil Drug Dealing Snakeman PSA!
Two years ago on the Halloween Countdown:
A Halloween Brainteaser!
|
|
|
 |
