October 3, 2006:
Of all the major girly toylines of the 80's to resurface in more recent years, My Little Pony stands victorious over Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite and, by a thread, Care Bears. Whereas some of the returning collections have either been mismarketed (Holly Hobbie as Ashley Olsen with a painter's cap) or undermarketed (when Mattel revived Rainbow Brite, the only person they told was some sick, homebound old dude in Utah), My Little Pony was done just right. They didn't change all the good stuff to piss off old fans, and they didn't make the ponies talk about "chillaxing out back with their horse MP3 playas," alienating any potential new fans because nobody fucking talks like that.
I'm not saying that the revival was perfect, because I play football and spit tobaccky. Still, the returning Pony Phenomenon proves that not all of the stuff companies keep bringing back to play on our nostalgic inclinations necessarily needs to be "updated" for a newer, hipper generation. Sometimes, things are right just the way they were. If you're curious why all the sudden Ponylove, it's simple: My Little Pony makes special, limited edition Halloween figures. Overall, I'm an easy sell.
The figures are only for sale at Target, much like everything else I've written about this season. Toy and department stores have long had relationships with plaything companies that bore exclusive figure fruit; in terms of the new My Little Pony collection, Target has the ace. I went crazy tracking down their Christmas exclusives for my nieces last year, a fact that I've tried to forget ever since watching my nieces unwrap them and look at me like I'd just presented them with fiery dog shit. I thought all little girls loved My Little Pony?
The Halloween figures include Pumpkin Tart and her pal, Abra-ca-dabra.
Halloween's become a safer holiday than Christmas when it comes to stuff like this. I've long campaigned for companies to stop friggin' around with watered down "holiday editions." It's no longer safe to let toys, cereal brands and cartoon characters celebrate Christmas. They can only celebrate "the holidays." So frustrating, because even in the real world, people who don't celebrate Christmas celebrate Christmas.
Fortunately for Halloween, its religious roots are more shrouded. People of all creeds can don costumes and beg for candy with equal levels of prayer, and it's absolutely safe to call a special edition of something a "Halloween edition" of something. The Ponies caught on, and now we get action figure card bubbles in the shape of jack o' lanterns. The cards actually use the word "Halloween" on the backs, lest anyone mistake the vague costumes and candy corn graphics for mere "autumn editions." No, these Ponies celebrate something, and they're not afraid to admit it. A closer look at the new contenders, one by one.
Of the two Halloween My Little Ponies, "Pumpkin Tart" is the sasshound. She's sexy, she's into her looks, and her hair is different colors. Dressed as a Halloween cat with a fancy emblem on her ass to match, Pumpkin Tart's costume -- consisting of ears and a bow tie -- are removable. To keep the costume at a better scale, Pumpkin Tart's regular plastic horse ears are ridiculously small compared to the ears of other My Little Ponies. They look almost...stunted. I guess that's why she continues strutting around town like she owns it. Girl can't hear everyone calling her a prissy shit when she walks by.
Abra-ca-dabra seems to be more "matter of fact" about the whole Halloween thing. She's wearing a costume, yes, but she's also wearing an expression that says, "I don't really care either way if I wear a costume or not." This might be because her normal-sized pony ears call for less obstruction, or maybe it's because a My Little Pony born with a candy corn-shaped birthmark on its ass considers Halloween costumes a little redundant. With purple skin/fur and glittery yellow hair that match about as well as me and My Little Pony articles, Abra-ca-dabra's witch costume includes a removable hat and cowl.
Neither of the figures are rare, but when they first came out a few weeks back, antsy collectors paid too much for them on eBay. That's cooled off, but Pumpkin Tart still seems to fetch a bit more money than Abra-ca-dabra on the collectors' market. Now that I've told the awful truth of her tiny ears, I wonder if this trend will continue.
Aside from their costumes, each figure -- like every other My Little Pony doll -- comes with a color coordinated hairbrush. The hair is knotty but suitable enough for brushing, and having been privileged enough to babysit for Pony-loving children several times over the past few years, I've learned that brushing a My Little Pony doll's hair is indeed an attractive offer for the target market. I've seen kids brush these things for hours on end, never once catching the dry irony of the ponies looking less and less attractive with each clump of hair that came out on every comb-through. Plus, when still package-fresh, My Little Pony hair is neatly done up with all kinds of sultry curves. These sultry curves are not invincible. Combing these sultry curves with all the gentility of a neurotic little girl can take those sultry curves DOWN.
Though, I suppose that's a tradeoff. For every hour spent brushing a My Little Pony doll's hair to pieces, that's another several fingernails left unchewed. I understand that there may be a handful of Pony nuts reading, but I think we can all agree than fingernails are more important than Pumpkin Tart's hair. Ah shit I'm done talking about this.
The cardbacks feature profiles on your selected pony. Pumpkin Tart was born in November, and I refuse to acknowledge that as anything but a screw-up on Hasbro's part. Abra-ca-dabra was born in October, and so was Pumpkin Tart. Tart likes her things orange colored; Abra prefers black and white things. Tart's favorite gem is topaz, Abra's is opal, and I have absolutely no fucking clue why they're telling us this. Yeah, Pumpkin Tart...your birthstone is your favorite gem, duh. The only thing the ponies can agree upon is their favorite thing to do: "Dressing up for Halloween!"
Lame. The whole point of the cardback biography was to give kids a basis for their action figure adventures. Look at G.I. Joe. You'd get a guy in a black mask packaged with an alligator, and that's all you had to go on until his file card told you that he spoke sixteen languages and often cheated at poker games during downtime with Cobra troops. What am I supposed to make Pumpkin Tart and Abra-ca-dabra do? Yell at each other over gem merits?
I kept rubbing my eyes to make sure I was reading that right. Why on Earth would they have magnets in their feet?
Holy crap, that's why they have magnets in their feet! So they can walk up refrigerators!
We'll see a lot of Halloween toys this season, but we won't see too many established toylines dance with Dracula. It's a rare and beautiful thing. I didn't think I'd be saluting My Little Pony dolls during a series of Halloween articles, but I guess that's what the Halloween season does to people. Makes us retarded.
