September 21, 2006:
In yesterday's article, I named six of the best new Halloween candies of 2006. Today, another six. Only I'm not sure if they're all the "best," and I'm not sure if they're all "new" for 2006. They definitely are six candies though, so let's roll like a Rolo.
Halloween Whoppers: Whoppers and I have had a strange relationship through the years. Whenever I've eaten a Whopper, I've liked it, but I still exist under the impression that I hate Whoppers. I don't get it. When I see a box of them at a movie theater or something, I wretch. I look around and try to spot moviegoers who look just ugly and dimwitted enough to buy boxes of Whoppers, just so I can understand where the market's coming from. But, when someone forces them on me, or when the stars align just right to make Whoppers the only candy in arm's reach, I'm totally fine with them. I don't know why I'm bringing this up. I guess I just wanted to know if there's any other people in the world who hate Whoppers for no reason at all.
Regular Whoppers, not so much for me. Halloween Whoppers, way too much in me. I feel sick. New Halloween Whoppers are exactly what Halloween Whoppers should be: Normal Whoppers redressed in orange and black, tucked in a plastic bag covered with evil colors and patterns. Interestingly, the Whoppers inside the bag are loose -- they don't come in fun-sized sacks, meaning that you can't give them out to trick-or-treaters unless you're just the type of asshole who'd give kids unwrapped candy and start a neighborhood panic. This might seem like a flaw for some, but I'm glad to see King Whopper cater exclusively to the demographic of people who'd buy forty pound bags of Whoppers just for themselves. It's like, validation for slugs.
Kraft Caramels: I'm pretty sure that this particular brand isn't new; the candies certainly aren't, but I really like the way they're presented here. Kraft Caramels are those cubes of chewy brownness that made for excellent energon cube accessories whenever I was playing with Rodimus. Though I'm by no stretch the leader of their fan club, I really like the sneaky way they've established rapport with the Halloween season. These are total year-round penny candies, but with just one caramel apple graphic on the bag, I'm ready to claim that they've been spookified. I know it's not really true, and that they probably shouldn't have been included, but dammit...they come with popsicle sticks!
The back of the bag offers recipes on how to melt the candies down into coating for real caramel apples, and just to prove that they're serious about it, Kraft includes a bunch of popsicle sticks. It's amazing how dramatically my desire to make caramel apples is increased by free popsicle sticks. I don't think I'd have any interest otherwise.
The candy tastes pretty good and kind of old fashioned, but I might just be saying "old fashioned" because they're not shaped like cartoon characters and in various neon colors with juice inside. And did I mention the sticks? The free sticks?
Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkin Patch: Okay, so I've seen like fourteen trillion different kinds of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Halloween candy bags this year. They sell it in every way possible -- in big bags, small bags, this color, that color, packaged with other candy, not packaged with other candy...it starts feeling like a Twilight Zone episode, assuming that the show could've gotten away with a premise regarding a peanut butter cup takeover, and it probably could've, seeing that it got away with a premise regarding a slot machine that attacked gambling addicts. I see a new take on the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Halloween candy bag every time I go to a store, and I don't just mean supermarkets, I mean ALL stores. Even stores that are only supposed to sell tires.
Of all of the variations, the "Pumpkin Patch" bag was the most intriguing, because not only does it contain pumpkin-shaped Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but it includes something I hadn't seen before: Orange pumpkin-shaped Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The orange ones have a white chocolate-flavored shell, marking one of the few times in history that orange has tasted like white. To be truthful, neither of the pumpkin-shaped Reese's Cups are anywhere near as good as the original shapes, because, Jesus Christ, my kingdom for a Reese's with a corrugated rim. Makes my throat feel like a big trash compactor.
I like the Halloween spin, but the original Reese's Peanut Butter Cups -- regular or fun-sized -- are such a trick-or-treat staple that these revamps almost feel pointless. Now I'm all depressed. I really wanted to like them.
Peeps Spooky Cats: I don't know if they're are new or not, but I haven't written about 'em before. I'm not sure I get why these exist, because they serve the same purpose, aesthetics-wise, as the formerly released Marshmallow Peeps Cocoa Cats, which looked just like these but tasted like hot chocolate. Spooky Cat Peeps do not taste like hot chocolate, but they're a shade closer to the black of night than Cocoa Cats were, and I'm hoping, for Peeps' sake, that people are more into black Peeps than Peeps that taste like Swiss Miss. If not, this will be a PR nightmare.
Albert's Spooky Straws: Not so much candy as straws, and, uh, I guess I don't have any way to justify that. They're straws in an article that's clearly about candy. Look closer and you'll see my small show of reasoning: The straws come with a minute amount of orange and green candy confetti, which is really only good for tricking your friends into believing you're eating Nerds, and even that's pretty borderline.
The straws, though, are terrific. Each package of Albert's Spooky Straws contains the lame candy and two big bendy straws -- one with a skeleton figure, and one with a pumpkin figure. The skeleton kind has that "WHAT am I doing HERE?" face going, but I've never seen a pumpkin look so joyous over its situation. Maybe it's because Albert saw fit to give pumpkins arms and legs, which had to make him a veritable god back at the patch. They're excellent for Halloween party loot bags, or better yet, for me to do little puppet shows with.
Fear Factor Mystery Treats: The Fear Factor food movement could be something to worry about; on the other hand, the many examples of Fear Factor-branded candy have been truly inspired. I don't watch the show because it usually features people eating worms and I really hate that, but I can appreciate its seamless transition into the world of gross candy. The various candies aren't really exclusive to Halloween, but considering how the amount of Fear Factor sweets has increased ten times over in the past few weeks, I think the people behind it know when their bread is buttered.
No, I didn't mean to say "where." You are not my editor.
I had a hundred types of Fear Factor candy to choose from, but nothing got my noodle going more than these "Mystery Treats" -- a bag full of outrageously colored packages containing everything from bug-shaped Smarties to gummy frog legs with candy maggots inside. The assortment isn't as varied as I would've preferred (the three treats shown above constitute the entire assortment in the bag I bought), but it's still nice to bite open a yellow packet and not know if it's going to have a frog leg or a baby octopus inside. Either way, rock on.
I've got more Halloween candy to write about, but I think I've hit my limit for this week. I'm full. If you want to read about candy again, keep hitting refresh on the main page until you see it there. Even if it takes weeks. Don't ever stop.
