October 1, 2007:
It's a sad but true fact that It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is just about the only Halloween special still given any respect. I was reared on holiday specials, and can't possibly find words eloquent enough to convey how pissy I get when, year by year, more and more classic specials are permanently shuffled out of network rotation, left only for scrap-grabbing cable networks, or worse, DVDs, or worsestest, nothing at all.
I think it's clear that, on the whole, we are the busiest generation in history. That goes for every age group, and we aren't celebrating the holidays with as much vigor because of it. Halloween takes the biggest hit, because, well, it just isn't worth as much money as Christmas. When we had five or six Halloween specials to look forward to on an annual basis, that made for at least a few nights where we had every right and reason to gather in the living room, carving jack-o'-lanterns and making tissue ghosts. Even if the particular specials weren't blockbusters, they helped set a theme for the evening. Without them, it's a lot harder to remember to cram all of those spooky fun nights before October 31st rolls around. I don't know about you, but I don't like having to try.
Today's subject, The Night That Dracula Saved The World (originally titled The Halloween That Almost Wasn't), really reflects what I've written above. At least, I hope it does, otherwise I just wasted your time and mine. Originally airing on October 28th, 1979, it's obviously quite dated and would do little to hold the younger audiences of today captive. But so what? I wouldn't care if they put it on at 3 AM on a Wednesday, so long as they ran it. Besides, the only crime bigger than robbing the world of its rightful Halloween specials is robbing them of a Halloween special wherein Judd Hirsch plays Dracula.
The 22-minute program is slapsticky and lighthearted, made for kids during an era when the classic movie monsters meant of a heck of a lot more than they do now. Of course, I'm not sure how many hardcore monster fans wanted to see Dracula pratfall and disco dance, but if we start nitpicking, there might be even less Halloween specials next year.
Things start off with a news report from a typical news reporting guy, about how Halloween is in danger of being canceled...forever! Typical News Reporting Guy says that all signs point to Count Dracula as the driver behind this terrifying tidbit, giving Judd Hirsch an excuse to make the most exaggerated "no way Jose" facial contortions of his entire career. Seriously, we wouldn't see him this indignant again until his "20,000 DOLLARS FOR A TOILET SEAT?!!?!" lament in Independence Day. I love Judd Hirsch. For this, for Independence Day, and for that awesome blank stare he made after reading the note in the opening credits for Dear John.
Dracula is flanked by Igor, and I'm only just now realizing how utterly inappropriate that is. Then again, it does provide hope that they'll someday film a prequel where we'll learn exactly how Igor left Dr. Frankenstein's charge and fell in league with Count Dracula.
Just about everyone in this special was in 100,000 other things. You probably know Judd well enough, but Igor was played by Henry Gibson, a man to be championed for playing a priest in like 86 different movies, and for doing the voice of fucking Eleroo on The Wuzzles.
As Dracula steams and tries to figure out who is responsible for this patently false rumor, we cut to a normal, everyday family to illustrate the effects of a world without Halloween. As mother and father help son and daughter into their costumes, the kids cry foul over the possibility of a lost free candy day.
Their parents speak at length about what Halloween really means -- about how our ancestors dressed as goblins and carved pumpkins not for kicks, but to either trick or scare away evil spirits. You know, that's a much cooler reason to slice up fruit than just wanting to make your front porch look interesting. I'm going to run with that this year. I'm going to carve the scariest face ever onto a pumpkin, hold it high to the sky, and ask Satan if he "wants some of this." People will cheer me.
Dracula needs answers, so he instructs Igor to gather all of the monsters for an emergency meeting. Yes! Igor introduces the monsters one by one as they arrive, giving each a Michael Buffer-level talk-up as they walk into the room. It's like watching the ring entrances during a Survivor Series main event.
First up, a werewolf. He's more or less just background noise throughout the special, but he does manage to throw in a few wolf howls for good measure. Next up is Frankenstein's Monster (called "Frankenstein's Creature" here), and I immediately recognize him as the same dude who played Herman on the ill-fated New Munsters sitcom. His name is John Schuck, which probably made for a depressing bout of name-calling in middle school. I remember him chiefly as Herman #2, but he's been in tons of other stuff. Look him up...you'll know him. Promise.
The Mummy also joins the fray, along with a hilarious random zombie dude who looks like a sleepwalking Ernest Borgnine. The aforementioned monsters served no role in the special other than to give me something to screencap, but the last entrant was important enough to nearly wrest top billing away from Judd Hirsch....
As Dracula screams at the monsters for "not being scary enough" and for allowing Halloween to become a comedy routine, Winnie the Witch -- played by Mariette Hartley -- outs herself as the asshole who told Typical News Reporting Guy that their holiday was in peril. She's tired of being a witch and being called ugly. Winnie wants out, but it's not quite that simple, as Halloween can't officially start until she flies past the moon on her broom. I've never heard that one before, but for the sake of the story, yes, yes that does seem like it'd be a dealbreaker.
She's willing to suffer the indignities of witchdom, but only if Dracula agrees to a "short" list of demands first. Cue the hilariously long piece of paper! Among other things, Winnie wants to replace Dracula on all of the official postcards and shirts in Transylvania souvenir shops, but more importantly, she wants a "shared power" arrangement with the big man. Dracula is beside himself. Winnie...the co-leader of the monsters? We might like Dracula, but truth be told, he's a pretty chauvinistic asshole pig. There ain't no way some witchy bitch is eating from his trough.
Winnie escapes Castle Dracula before the monsters have a chance to force her into any deals, and it's worth noting that she's pretty cool for a witch. You're probably thinking of some slouchy harpy type, but no, she's kind of sultry and sarcastic, like a prototype Elvira or something.
With a scant few hours before Halloween, Dracula is in a panic. Without the witch's moon flight, Halloween will cease to exist. Apparently, Winnie is the *only* witch living in this parallel universe, because nobody suggests that they just ask a different witch to do the deed. You'd think they'd all be lining up to take Winnie's place.
The proud and powerful monsters decide to take action in the way best suited to them: By creeping up to Winnie's house and peering through her windows. It's the Kevin Arnold offense, and incredibly, the targets in both cases had the same name!
After much tomfoolery, Dracula and his crew catch Winnie. She's a tricky witch, though, and eludes their grasp once again by magically transforming a painting of three swashbucklers into the real thing. Dracula is no match for swashbucklers, but Winnie was just using them as a diversionary tactic. Once she's safely locked in her bedroom, the musketeers vanish in a puff of smoke, much like fifteen-year-old dragon fans do when they're about to sign out of a roleplaying chat room. Man, those poor swordsmen probably had to sit through five hours of makeup and costuming for a grand total of six seconds screentime.
With moments to spare before Halloween is forever ruined (I still can't believe this witch-over-the-moon thing is that important), Dracula agrees to Winnie's giant list of demands. Even after agreeing to disco dance with Winnie every night, the witch ain't budging. She's given it some thought, and Winnie just doesn't want to do the witch thing anymore. Even if she's given a promotion within the ranks of the monsters, so what? She's still the ugly, old witch who nobody likes.
I have to say, I can sympathize with her. Witches are almost never considered "cool" monsters. I mean, the closest they've ever come to a true tribute was the time DJ wanted to dress like one on that old Roseanne episode, and even then, it was just the basis for a storyline about gender roles. Plus, it's fucking DJ. No witch was gonna put that as a career highlight.
Dracula can't sway her, but looks like he won't need to. Those kids we met at the start of the episode, who evidently used sheer instinct to locate Winnie's lair, have come to plead with her to stay on as queen of the witches. They love her just the way she is! Just to drive that knife of guilt a little deeper, the little girl even comes in full witch garb, and that's enough to persuade Winnie to keep on truckin'.
Winnie flies across the moon, giving The Night That Dracula Saved The World its second best special effect, falling short only to an earlier scene where Judd Hirsch transformed into a talking toy bat. For some reason, the witch's flight is footnoted by the kind of music you'd hear from a cranked up 1920s jack-in-the-box. Creepy.
Fulfilling his earlier promise, Dracula disco dances with Winnie, who lures her manprey by transforming into a beautiful, non-witchy woman. Dracula takes the bait, throwing off his cape to reveal his best Travolta digs. Tonight they're gonna party like it's 1979.
Just a totally harmless and well-meaning Halloween special, The Night That Dracula Saved The World has sadly drifted into obscurity, airing less and less frequently until it dropped dead altogether. While ultimately released on VHS in the early '90s (that's when they switched titles), it's all over every video-sharing network on the Internet. If you're willing to search and settle for a more grainy good time, a vampiristic disco dancing Judd Hirsch shouldn't be too hard to find.
And now, I take my leave. I take my leave with the Dear John theme song stuck in my head.
