September 18, 2007:
There comes a time in every man's life when he must toss aside all senses of what's chic and admit that he loves Kmart.
I do, I really do. Ours is a rundown and gritty number that's stood in its place for as long as I've been alive. It's kind of dusty and musky. The people who shop there are equaled in their rudeness only by the people who work there. They have an old fashioned "Eatery" diner with one of those ICEE machines with the big spinning prop ICEE cups on top, only here, the spinning prop ICEE hits a hiccup during every rotation and makes a sound like that Droid that got massacred in Jabba's dungeon upon each and every turn. The place looks less like a legit store and more like an indie movie set wherein bumbling workerbee teenagers contemplate the banality of life while stocking the shelves with knockoff brand Ruffles chips.
I don't like going to stores that spend oodles of money on image campaigns that make me feel like I'm not good enough to shop there. I need stores that will turn a blind eye if I have a hard cough and really need to spew a loogie on the floor. This is essentially why I love Kmart, but it's the icing that makes me want to admit it: They're the first big department store in my city that makes the switch to Halloween.
I can't tell you how frustrating it is to get fifty e-mails about the awesome Halloween section at Target, only to go there and find nothing but a transitional clearance section full of the summer's Tiki torches, portable fans and beach towels with ironic sayings on them. I may feel at odds with myself when I go to Kmart and am addressed over the speaker system as a "Kmart shopper," but they were the first store to make with the ghoulish gravy, and for that, I'm eternally grateful. Or at least a week's worth of grateful. That's when the other stores caught up. And they had better stuff.
Anyway, I found a few choice items on this most recent trip, including a horde of two dollar novelties with flowing black robes and slime-encrusted mouths. I don't need to tell you...those are the best kinds of two dollar novelties.
From Kmart's "Totally Ghoul" Halloween collection, it's the Hanging Character Heads! If you aren't aware, Kmart tries to make its Halloween stuff seem less Kmarty by putting big huge "Totally Ghoul" logos on everything, as if it were a separate entity. On the Halloween item quality scale, I'd rate Totally Ghoul junk as a solid 6: Not quite bootleggy and straw marketesque, but it's still a legit possibility that someone would mistake a Totally Ghoul decoration for something a second grader made in art class. That's not a complaint, mind you; feeling cheap and tawdry is part of the collection's charm.
The Hanging Character Heads consist of seemingly dozens of painted plastic monster heads, made to look larger with about fifteen inches worth of cheap robes. Each has a big, stretchy black loop on its head, affording you the opportunity to dangle them from trees or really adequate penises. At $1.99 a piece, they're a steal. The only other Halloween decorations you can buy for that amount are cotton spider webs and bone-shaped candles that drip blood-colored wax when lit, which doesn't make much sense because bones don't bleed.
If there had been only three or four different Hanging Character Heads, I may have passed. The beauty of this collection is that it's absolutely huge. I picked up nine different versions, and there had to be at least ten more. There's no set theme for 'em, either -- you'll find satanic clowns mixed in with typical witches, and the only common thread is that everyone tries to mask the fact that they have no limbs by wearing sleeveless mumus.
These are pretty much no-brainer purchases, but there's one caveat: Certain Hanging Character Heads are far cooler than others, and you must spend the extra minute digging through the loosely organized racks of them to make sure you're not going home with a D-lister when Dracula is right fucking behind him.
Or, you can use my handy guide to nine of the different variations below, and map out your shopping plan before going to Kmart. Don't have a Kmart? Don't worry...I've seen these guys in other stores, too. Sometimes, the robes or faces are a little different, but they're pretty consistent otherwise.
Name: Grapey Vampire Guy.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: Dracula.
Kind Of Looks Like: A dead version of Roy Schneider.
Description: Grapey Vampire Guy has light purple skin and looks like he's been crying dark purple tears, so I take it that his top choice victim fled to a safehouse before he had the chance to sprout pointy teeth. I really don't know why the artists chose to paint him in such fashion, but he'd be much less interesting otherwise, so, bonus.
A closer inspection reveals a very re-imagined take on Dracula's trademark medallion, which has gone from looking like a sideways "X" to looking like a spray-painted flower bud. Maybe that's why he was crying? Because he has a shitty Dracula medallion?
Score: Three out of five bouncy bumbling bats.
Name: Fancy Skeleton Dude.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: If I'm really stretching, I'd go with Jack Skellington.
Kind Of Looks Like: A distant relative of the Coneheads family, who long ago decided to live life amongst us while keeping his race a secret by wearing really big and ridiculous derbies. His wife, an earthling who respected her husband's wishes, buried him in an enormous top hat after he lost his battle to ass cancer.
Description: I really don't like this one. It might be my least favorite. The skull head is waaaay too small, and you know I'm serious about that because I both italicized and added three extra vowels.
The artists/sculptors/whatever tried to compensate for Fancy Skeleton Dude's minuscule skull by giving him a gigantic collar, which has kind of an opposite effect since it draws even more attention to how tiny and stupid that skull is.
Score: 1.5 out of 7.7 ghouls-on-the-go.
Name: Ghastly Grandpa.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: Jack Palance, but now I mean.
Kind Of Looks Like: Thanos from Marvel Comics mixed with Pruneface from the Dick Tracy movie. He's takin' this universe OUTTA the headlines...he's RUBBIN' IT OUT!
Description: Yeah! Now we're talking! Ghastly Grandpa is my favorite Hanging Character Head. He's absurd! He's beautiful! And judging by that head of hair, he's been taking names since when we was in them diapers! I love love love Ghastly Grandpa. I have no idea what he's supposed to be and nary an inkling as to his personal mantra, but he combines green Frankenstein skin with red demon eyes with gray old people hair to create something so unbelievably cool that I'm already knitting a three-inch Santa cap so I can turn him into a Christmas decoration come December.
Score: *5* *GOLD* *RIIIIINGS*
Name: Mark O' Lantern
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: Pumpkinhead.
Kind Of Looks Like: That kid with the hat from Fat Albert.
Description: There's nothing actively wrong with Mark O' Lantern, but I'm not a fan. The Hanging Character Head collection is pretty unabashed in its ghoulishness, and with so many bloodstained or slime-soaked scary heads to choose from, this guy just feels...too saccharine.
I can totally picture it. Ghastly Grandpa will suggest that they all go paint the town red with the viscous liquid of innocents, and Mark will always be the first one to say that maybe they shouldn't do that. I'm surprised that they continue tolerating him, but it's probably because he's the only one with a green cloak, and they don't want to eliminate their only available resource for camo espionage missions in grassy areas.
Score: 5 out of 10 giant bugs.
Name: Hooded Haunter.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: The Grim Reaper.
Kind Of Looks Like: Something Alvin Schwartz would make out of Play-Doh.
Description: I'm not sure if this will make sense, but Hooded Haunted seems like the corpse of the Grim Reaper. Now, I understand that the Grim Reaper is a skeleton who's probably already dead, but this guy just looks so much deader than any of the other Grim Reapers I've encountered. Whether this is a good or bad thing is a matter of personal conjecture, but for what it's worth, he's okay by me.
I feel a little bit bad for Hooded Haunter, because on any other day, a two dollar hanging plastic Grim Reaper would be cause for celebration. But he's in really good company with his Hanging Character Head brothers. Maybe a little too good. It's easy to pass this guy up when you've got Thanos/Pruneface amalgams staring a hole through your head.
Score: I'm starting to consider these made-up cheeky scores a little off-putting. That said...3 out of 6 bumps in the night.
Name: Wanda the Witch.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: Take your pick from any number of witches, but I'll say the Wicked Witch of the West.
Kind Of Looks Like: Brenda from Six Feet Under after eating something that turned out to be poison.
Description: I didn't notice any other females in the Hanging Character Heads collection, which makes Wanda a must-buy by default. Or do I mean proxy? I might. Though lacking in the avant garde weirdness of some of the other dolls, sometimes it's nice to get the classics.
Interestingly, Wanda's nose is around half as long as the rest of her head. I know witches are typically drawn with crooked noses, but I've never seen one with just a flat out really big nose. I guess that's sort of avant garde. I take back what I said. Wanda clicks on all cylinders.
Score: I'm totally dry. *5* *GOLD* *RINGS*
Name: Frankenfreak.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: Frankenstein's Monster.
Kind Of Looks Like: I really have no idea. The Incredible Hulk...with mad cow disease? HA!
Description: Outside of Ghastly Grandpa, this is my favorite of the lot. Seems like the sculptor got midway through making Frankenstein's Monster before realizing that he forgot to square off the forehead and changing him into someone else entirely.
And that someone else is awesome. While the picture makes it seem as though Frankenfreak just finished messily eating a Ninja Turtles Pudding Pie, that's actually not slime around his mouth -- it's chipped away skin, revealing a lower, darker layer of green bone!
The red eyes really seal the deal, as I can now put a face to that "ghost eyes" scene in The Amityville Horror, thereby adding some level of nicety to something that was otherwise ludicrous.
Score: It's a secret.
Name: Funny Mummy.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: The Mummy.
Kind Of Looks Like: The albino cousin of Fruity Yummy Mummy, who should not be confused with "The" Mummy.
Description: They blew it with this guy. Mummies are perfectly capable of looking hideous and inspiring fear, and they went and wasted these tried and true facts by turning him into some corny goof who could serve as the foil in a Chipmunks Halloween special. I HATE goofy mummies. HATE them.
It's just such a shame. They even went through the trouble of shredding his robe up all nice and mummy-like, but it's totally moot when the guy wearing them looks like a happy puppy dog. I understand that there may have been some need for Hanging Character Heads that looked less evil, but couldn't they blow those wads on someone less important, like Wanda? Wanda doesn't need the added oompf. She's got boobs.
Score: 0.
Name: Bloodozo.
Most Closely Associated Iconic Character: As much as I want to say Pennywise, he's much closer to the main dude from Killer Klowns In Outer Space.
Kind Of Looks Like: Who's that guy who played Weird Al's friend/sidekick in U.H.F.?
Description: I really, really dig Bloodozo. You usually have to go to the ritzier Halloween shops to find decorations capable of making children shit themselves, but to find such an item at Kmart? For two bucks? If I had to pick any of my nine Hanging Character Heads to try to kill off a niece or nephew, it'd be Bloodozo. He's pure evil, and everything about him is unsettling. You've got the crazy eyes, the sharp tongue, the frizzy hair, and, oh, his skull is slit open to expose his brains, too! And his brains are bluish green! If this guy had hands, I'd shake them.
They even went the extra mile by giving him a clown-themed robe complete with puffy red button balls. My loyalties remain with Ghastly Grandpa, but if I were at all objective, I'd tell you to buy Bloodozo first.
Score: A++.
The Hanging Character Heads collection more or less kicked off my Halloween season, and time will tell if it's all downhill from here. Two dollar Bloodozos are going to be tough to top. God willing, P&G will dye Pringles orange again. I can't think of anything else that's going to beat Bloodozo.
