September 18, 2007:
Those of us who begin celebrating Halloween in September may find our graces few and far between, but we can always count on good ol' Halloween candy to infiltrate supermarkets and department stores long before it's really necessary.
Do people really stock up for trick-or-treaters six weeks in advance? Or is Halloween just a front for sugar-loving gluttons to buy in bulk without the usual shame found at the checkout line? Surely there have been times when I really didn't to settle for just two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but it's only during the Halloween season that I'll consider upgrading.
Every year ushers in much of the same old candy that we grew up trick-or-treating for, and while the classics are to be cherished and championed like edible grandparents, it's more exciting to find things that are only just debuting. This is partly because there's exhilaration in newness, but mostly because every type of candy has already been tried. For something to truly be "new," it's gotta be plenty weird -- and nothing is weirder than feeling bad about eating Dots because they're actually the misdirected souls of the deceased. Three cheers...for GHOST DOTS!
Through my many years of experience in writing for X-Entertainment, I've learned to avoid phrases such as, "this is my favorite thing in the whole universe." Usually, I'll find a new favorite thing in the universe by the following week, write about it, and look like Google Adsense pays me four cents a year not by the word, but by the hyperbolistic phrase. Which is ironic, because "hyperbolistic" technically isn't a word, and nobody should have to pay me for it.
Ghost Dots are my favorite thing in the whole universe. A reader tipped me off to their existence over a week ago, and I must admit that I've gone to different stores every night since, desperately trying to achieve my destiny by buying, playing with, and eating supernatural Dots. Finally, a few nights back, there was magic.
While Ghost Dots are sold in larger, cooler single packs, I could only find a bag of fun-sized boxes. I'd previously seen a picture of them online, but I guess it was blurry or some shit, because I honestly thought that the candies:
A) Glowed in the dark. B) Had neat little ghost faces painted on them.
Neither of those dreams came true, but edible specters that are glow-in-the-dark colored are still worth fussing about.
The Tootsie company makes Dots candy, and ten bucks says that their creative department spent weeks trying to come up with a ghostly pun on "Dots" before finally giving up and settling for the less effortful "Ghost Dots." It's not as easy as it sounds. The best I can come up with was "Dotspirits," and I doubt that Tootsie wants people to mistake their Dots for a Mexican beer brand.
Each Ghost Dot is a "mystery flavor," and you don't know what they're going to taste like until you chew them. This puts my desire to collect and nurture them at odds with my desire to know whether the fuck they're cherry or orange. The flavors are nothing new -- just what you'd find in any regular package of Dots. I was hoping for a new flavor, but this is still better than making them taste like black licorice or something. Blech.
Though they photographed rather bluish above, Ghost Dots are actually much closer to green. I felt the need to relay this fact just in case you're combing my article for uncited conversational fodder and don't want to get stuck on a wrong answer if somebody asks what color Ghost Dots are.
Cool as the candies are, something was missing...and that something was adorable facial features on each Ghost Dot. They're right there on the package, so I almost feel justified in this lawsuit I've been building against Tootsie for false advertising.
I can live without getting little Ghost Dot arms (though, I'd donate both kidneys if anyone could arrange that), but to open up a box and think you're going to find doe-like Dot eyes staring a conscience into your appetite, and not get that? Watch out, Tootsie. I'll skullfuck your scholarly owl with a two-liter Pepsi bottle.
Cute, but it's just not the same. It's not that a fraction of an ounce's worth of Sharpie ink would kill me...it's just that I know that they aren't real eyes and mouths. I can draw a frown on a pillow, but that won't make me think twice about throwing up on it. I want my Ghost Dots to plead for mercy with spooky pupils and misshapen grins. They've already died once; do they really have to die again?
Faces or no faces, Ghost Dots enter the 2007 Halloween Season as rookies, but will leave as megachampions and presidents. Their fate is bigger than all of us, and the story they will tell is something we can only hope to have some small part in.
