I'm going to assume that everyone reading has tried "Bubble Tape" at some point in their life -- if you haven't, you're insane. It's six feet worth of bubble gum, all wrapped neatly into a little dispenser for one low cost. Six feet! If I'm remembering things correctly, Bubble Tape was first unleashed on the world when I was in the fifth grade -- long time ago, so it's a long-standing commodity in the candy market. When this stuff first came out, though, kids were absolutely wild for it. It wasn't "just" gum, it was this huge experience and any of us who had a pack instantly climbed that unspoken social ladder by at least three steps. There was a huge ad campaign that tried to pit any child who ate Bubble Tape as a disobedient rebel and generally cool guy, so of course, that's the gum we wanted the most. Over the years, there's been oodles of new flavors, but it doesn't seem to pack quite the star quality it did during my youth. There's been spans of months where I won't see it on sale anywhere, but fortunately, it'll always pop up again, sometimes with a weird gimmick. A weird gimmick like this: Bubble Tape's "Trick or Treat" black raspberry gum. Yep, you can say "holy shit" now. Even Bubble Tape has a Halloween edition.
It's interesting, to say the least. As bubble gum in general just becomes more tastebud-assaulting in the sour and tart department, black raspberry seemed like a natural choice. Indeed, the inside of your mouth with go batshit nutso upon receipt of the gum. The "bubble" part isn't quite literal, as it's not really chewy enough to make anything but a few token bubs that last two seconds before staining your lips with deep purple gumjuice. They should market that as a selling point. Kids love looking filthy. I don't, but the stains remain nonetheless. I just had a piece now, and my tongue looks like a half-defrosted steak. I wonder if eating "Trick of Treat" Bubble Tape can help me nail a halfassed-but-passable Halloween costume.
"Hi partygoers. I'm the guy with the bruised tongue. I hear there's punch!!"
I'm perfectly fine with Halloween Bubble Tape -- actually, the thought of it tickles me. There's just one thing I gotta know, and it's something that's bothered me for the better part of my life.
Is there really six feet of gum in there?
Nope, there isn't. They're more than a full foot short with that claim. I even allowed for a reasonable margin of error, as the end of the roll was pretty brittle and impossible to lay out in a straight line without breakage. BUBBLE TAPE HAS BEEN LYING TO US, FOLKS. There's only 4'11" worth of gum in those packages. We've been gypped!
Though, you know, 4'11" worth of bubble gum is nothing to cry about. I just so wished that the wad of unchewed glory would actually be taller than I am. If only I was an Oompaloompa. With a bruised tongue. With lots and lots of money. Think I'll go chew my sorrows away. Bye. :(