With four bucks and a little scotch tape, you too can transform any area of your home into a Halloween shrine -- check out this "Party Pack," made by Pumpkin Time and sold at most department stores. It's a bag full of crap, but at least it's cheap crap.

There's no legitimacy in any complaints I might have; after all, I got back change from a five for it. I wouldn't call it a "party in a bag," though -- if you're throwing a Halloween gala, you'll need a Hell of a lot more than this. Still, for the price, you'll have trouble finding a bigger mass of spooky decor. I chose our front door for the experiment, mostly because that's the only part of our apartment that isn't already covered in shit. So let's cover it in shit!

On the northern half of the door, the obvious centerpiece is a paper skeleton, with posable arms and legs. The crotch-grab was by accident, I swear. You're given a full roll of Halloween-themed police tape, with "Danger! Haunted Area!" repeated over and over again for thirty-feet of yellow torment. The cascading white ghosts are part of a streamer set, and they bring to the table an extremely efficient way to give yourself ultra powerful papercuts. Some orange balloons are also included, because Halloween is worth jack shit without orange balloons. Look closely and you'll notice a series of foam ghosts and bats -- they're durable, lightweight, and fantastic to chew on.

The southern half of the door features more of the same, only the ghost steamers have now been replaced by more sinister pumpkin streamers. You know, now that I've taken the pictures, there just isn't a whole lot to say about the "Halloween Party Pack." Will any of you mind if I end this thing a little short, and we just cut our losses? I mean, it's not like you're gonna die if I don't spend another thousand words talking about something that's more suited to be summed up with a simple "kit is made of paper and foam, hooray."

Cut me some slack, God dammit. I'm only human.

Or am I?