Wax lips! I haven't seen these things around in years, so when the opportunity presented itself, I hopped all over it and bought enough pairs to last me until Halloween 3112. For those who've never seen, "wax lips" are (most typically) mint-flavored wax piles shaped to look like wacky mouths, with little edible "shelves" for you to bite while holding the lips over your mouth. The end results are full of you looking like a retard, but they're irresistible despite it.

The sugary novelties are only edible in the sense that they're nontoxic -- really, you'd be eating plain old wax. Just like the shit that keeps Babybel cheese ripe and firm. Once the flavor runs out, it's pretty god awful stuff and I'm puzzled by my youthful penchant for swallowing it whole. I guess some things really are meant just for kids -- when you're young, the lips seem so much larger over the diameter of your tiny face. Now my head's bigger than a golf cart and the lips feel more like Greek appetizers than the dessert to end all desserts. I'm not sure what that means, but it sure don't sound like no testimonial. Poor wax lips, and poor me. I've outgrown their appeal -- literally.

I found two varieties -- "Sugar Lips," the big lipsticky clown version, and what's shown above: "Fun Gum Fangs." Both packages boast about the lips' "new and improved flavor," leading me to wonder just what the Hell these tasted like before. There's the faintest trail of berry/mint sugar in each wad of wax, and unless you chew reaaal slow like, that stuff ain't lasting you more than half a minute. I find this realization troublesome, but I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a substantial part of me, quietly asserting that "they're just wax lips you idiot."

"Just" wax lips? Just? Just you this. This you just. Just this you. You this just. Scramble it any way you like, the formation still won't make any sense. You drive towards failure. Your wax lips offer little comfort. Because. They're just wax lips. Go Yanks.

Shown above is a small sampling of my chewed wax mound. I just kinda thought you should see it.

If you've never tried the things, I strongly recommend 'em. There's not many "candies," like them, even if you really shouldn't bother eating it. They're tasty enough, sort of like light toothpaste. If you were a huge fan of these during your youth, you may wanna keep them in the past. It'll shatter years worth of time-sweetened memories, and you'll finally see wax lips for what they truly are. Just wax lips.

Halloween isn't just a holiday. It's a teacher. We learn from it. We eat it.

In case you haven't noticed the link on X-E's main page, General Mills used to give away wax lips during the mid 80s in their line of "monster cereals." The great thing about these wax lips? They were matched up to fit the particular characters! You had big blue Boo Berry lips, Count Chocula's fangs, and a dark mustache that seems to prove my entire argument incorrect by having absolutely nothing to do with any of the characters. Oops. If interested, click here to download and watch the ol' commercial. It'll make you feel sooo....waxy.