A bottle of blood? It's hard for me to resist almost anything with a price tag of under three bucks, but a bottle of blood? I hadn't made a dash to the register that quick since Wal-Mart did their 7-for-3 promotion on Pantene. Woooo Pantene. I wasn't quite sure what the "Bottle of Blood" was to be used for, and further inspection seems to leave it up to the buyer. It's just plain ol', everyday, do-what-you-can, use it or lose it fake blood. Personal tastes differ, but if you ask me, that's the best kind.

The bottle stands at around eight inches tall, and unless our town has the only party store on the entire planet that carries them, you shouldn't have much trouble locating the bitches. You get a full pint of the stuff, which regardless of how it sounds, amounts to a Hell of a lot of fake blood. To tell you the truth, even if you never open it, it's still fun to have this plastic jug laying around with a label reading "Bottle of Blood." If you use it all up, this is one of those "keeper bottles" that'll sit on one of your lesser-seen wall unit shelves for years to come. Or at least until Christmas. I guess this junk is pretty seasonal.


The quality of the faux blood is absolutely incredible. When I first opened the bottle, I made the mistake of not realizing how squeezable it was, causing the blood to splooge out just like it would from the arm socket of a mannequin in a really bad horror movie. This is a big selling point, trust me. Just don't wear clothes you like or stand over floors you like while using it, because the shit drips everywhere and I wouldn't call it an "easy clean." In fact, there's still traces of it on my hands. Lots of traces, actually. Here's why:


Okay, I know it doesn't look quite right under the flash of a camera bulb, but believe me, I had myself convinced that I was bleeding all over the place. The liquid has the right deep color, perfect consistency -- it's just got that ominous quality any high-end fake blood would need to have to pass your stern tests. I wouldn't suggest using it with you Halloween costume, as it's just too messy, but if you can think of other uses, go for it. Nah, really, you don't need to dream up uses for it. Just having a "Bottle of Blood" is good enough. Go. Buy it.

I gotta run -- there's blood stains all over our kitchen floor. Again.

RETURN TO THE COUNTDOWN!