Okay, here's my new Favorite Thing Ever. Living Nightmare's "Bloody Mouth," a vial of "minty mouth blood," adds a whole new dimension to the classic blood capsules. With previous like-minded novelties, the fake blood typically tasted awful and certainly wasn't the kind of sludge anyone would want to swallow. This time around, the shit tastes like toothpaste. It's mostly corn syrup, so swallow away. This stuff is just awesome, looking ten times more realistic than even the most expensive varieties of stage blood, and best of all, it tastes better than most of the candy you'll find on a trick-or-treat hunt.

I give this one my strongest recommendation -- it's cheap, it's edible, and it's like nothing I've seen before. The test tube, marked "Bloody Mouth," is filled with the holy juice and capped with a neat little gargoyle figure who just begs you to eat what he's guarding. Eat we shall. On packaging alone, it's worth the money. Various costumed critters illustrate the item's abilities, with a tutorial on the back that manages to beat the word-count of most electronics manuals. Of everything we've seen on the Countdown, nothing has attacked the gods of Spooky Cool from so many sides and with so much mint flavor. Let's check it out...


From the package: "This fun product is specially formulated for use in the mouth. It is nontoxic, safe, and has a great minty taste. To create additional horror effects, dribble or soak clothes and accessories with blood. Use as much 'Bloody Mouth' as is comfortable, but use sparingly...a little goes a long way. With a dramatic flare, slowly open lips and let blood trickle over and down lips. For an additional horror effect, dribble blood over face makeup."

The short version: "Guaranteed good time, yo."


The goo takes forever to squirm its way out of the tube -- worse than a new bottle of ketchup, though mostly because the end result has more to do with corn syrup on your tongue and less to do with dip for fabulously delicious French fries. In time, the blood finally oozed down into my mouth. It's remarkably sticky at first, but fortunately, the gunk quickly liquefies and leaves little evidence that it was ever there to begin with. Still, if you act quick enough, you can pull off some frightful guises...


Wow. Last time I looked like that was when I wore my sister's Mariah t-shirt to gym class on laundry day. HAHAHHAHAHAHH.


I swear I'm being honest here -- the junk tastes great. I found myself practically licking the vial clean; a feat more impressive than it sounds since the tube is less than half an inch thick. It's a cross between toothpaste and cherry cough syrup, and a mental note for me to swish some toothpaste into the liquid Tylenol cup next time I have the flu. According to my calendar, that should fall right on the mid-November day that I'm supposed to trek two hours away for a family function I have no interest in attending. Best of all, it doesn't leave much messy residue on your skin. Most of the Halloween costume makeup I've experienced requires an official shower to kill off -- this stuff just needs a few fingertips tweaked with magic saliva.


All in all, I've fallen in love. I'm a pretty filthy and disorganized kinda guy, but I found myself thoroughly washing out the tube and recapping it with its gargoyle protector so I can relish in its glories forever more. Actually I just need something to hold my memento sand for when I go to Florida. I can't eat sand or use it to make myself look bloody, but at least it'll have the tube. Trust me on this one, it's worth the money. Not sure if it's available "everywhere," but start your search at the pharmacies -- that's where I found mine. Keyword: mine. Get your own.

BACK TO THE COUNTDOWN!