I can't tell you how happy I was to find this today -- thirty snack-sized bags of Utz's "Halloween Pretzels," shoved into a sack large enough to smuggle dead babies in and out of patrolled facilities with little hassle. These aren't the first examples of "trick or treat-style" pretzel baggies I've come across this season, but they're by far the best. I've never known Utz for being the world's leader in much, and in fact, I've never really forgiven them for that line of "crab flavored" potato chips that assaulted my curious tongue with unbridled and unrelenting torment. No, really, Utz sells crab flavored chips. Tastes differ I guess -- to each his own. Still, it's hard to hold much against them when they bust out with what's gotta be the greatest of all Halloween pretzel packs...


Okay, seriously, how can you not be excited over these? There's times when I know I'm in the minority with the level of joy I find in stupid shit, but little black bags full of pretzels, complete with the most iconic graphic of a Jack O'Lantern ever on each bag? It could be argued that Halloween is Hell's holiday, but now we've got proof of just the opposite. I don't know if God has ties to Utz, or if he's using the company to make a few small concessions on a society gone wrong from neglect, but truly, no mere mortal could be responsible for such brilliance. There's just something so perfect and charmed about these tiny black baggies -- it's not something anyone can pinpoint, but back in my days of trick-or-treating, not even the glorious fun-sized Snickers could match up to these sinisterly decorated packs of pretzels.

Have I gone too far? Maybe black bags full of pretzels aren't such a big deal? Yeah maybe...maybe you're right. BUT I HAVEN'T SHOWN YOU THE BEST PART YET!


Look! LOOK! The pretzels themselves are shaped like pumpkins! A Halloween surprise! Utz, you've totally redeemed yourselves after that whole crab chip fiasco -- so long as you don't start dumping Old Bay over next year's batch of pretzels, you're tops in my book. And my book counts!

RETURN TO THE COUNTDOWN!