Let's kick the countdown off with a Halloween classic -- blood capsules. Come on, you know they're a classic. I haven't chewed on one of these bad boys in years, and in fact, the only time I can ever remembering it happening was during my kindergarten class' Halloween party, where I dressed as a Dracula with green skin. Don't judge the green skin as odd -- all of the boys in my class were Dracula, and all of them had green skin. I've always had trouble trying to find the connection, or what popular cartoon character's likeness would've influenced us to make Green Draculas. I don't remember much else from that afterschool party with parental invites in the lunchroom, except for stepping on my friend Billy's cape during a sudden game of "Tag," inadvertently shredding it and causing Billy to cry to his mother about how I'd ruined his Halloween. Billy, if you're out there: I'm sorry. But it wasn't like we were being judged for potential prizes, you know? Dumb dick.

I remember that, the green skin, and yes -- blood capsules. I found this pack at our local pharmacy for two bucks, and though this does beg for a debate as to why pharmacies have long been like the ultimate mega best place to buy Halloween costumes, let's forgo it and stick with the topic at hand. They're made by a company named "PMG." Okay, I'll skip the costumes-in-pharmacies tangent, but I can't let this one slide: I hate it when obscure, backwoods companies advertise their name as an acronym, but refuse to include any information as to what the acronym stands for. Whenever I find one of these mysteriously acronymmed companies, that shit'll bug me for at least three full days.

Further inspection reveals it to represent the "Paper Magic Group." Wow, that name sucks. I guess the moral is: be careful what you wish for.


Admittedly, the things look appetizing. If you presented these as candy next to a pile of "Hot Tamales," which do you think your friends would go for first? People love anything with a neon glow -- especially the rare artifacts you can go ahead and eat.


Yes, if you're somehow new to the gimmick, you really do chew on the capsules. The whole process is fairly disgusting -- after you bite down on the pill, the ominous red liquid will spew forth like the venom of injected cobra fangs, and you're supposed to bring to show to its climax by simply letting the liquid pour out of your mouth. Of course, there's no magic way to avoid sending your saliva out the main entrance with it, so you're kinda just standing there spitting on yourself in front of everyone, but it's even worse because you're too oblivious this time around to quickly wipe it off and change the subject. You don't just spit on yourself in front of everyone -- you do it for a good two minutes straight.


To bite or not to bite? The question puzzled me, as while I knew I had to for the sake of this review, I didn't exactly want to. I felt like the kid who waits three hours to get on the new roller coaster at Six Flags only to chicken out at the last second. If I was too cowardly to bite into a mere nontoxic blood capsule, how the Hell did I expect to kill Poseidon so I could once and for all take over the secretly still-active underwater city of Atlantis? No, it had to be done. Bite I would, bite I would.


And wow, what do you know? Blood capsules taste like absolute shit! We're talking levels of offensiveness on par with dog ass and friend phlegm. For whatever reason, while the flavor of M&M's isn't at all mucked by the addition of Red 40, glycerin morphs into something underground cults should use to torture information out of their victims. I was not pleased, but to the untrained eye, I was certainly bleeding.

Quickly, I dashed for the kitchen sink and tried to spit the Devil's rain out of my mouth. Water was gurgled, heads turned -- let me tell you, I can still taste traces of the stuff as I sit here now, hours later. I don't think most blood capsules are this strong or pungent, but I'd definitely recommend picking them up from a more reputable source than a pharmacy. Let them stick to what they know. Medicine. And Starburst fruit chews. Buy your blood capsules, but do it with brains.

Ah frig, now I want Starburst.

RETURN TO THE COUNTDOWN!