Heyyy, I got eyes. Lots of them. For whatever reason, Halloween has always been the chosen season to break out a pair of fake eyeballs and make with the fondling. Whereas plain plastic eyeballs have been the norm in decades prior, modern technological advances have afforded us a bevy of toy eyes capable of doing many, many, many tricks. Let's call today's entry on the countdown a tribute to your eyes -- a review of a different set of toy eyeballs for each of 'em. Oh shit, I didn't realize that writing this was going to present such an irresistible urge to use the word "eye" in puns. I'm going to try to avoid it at all costs, I promise.


First up, a lovely package of nine "Halloween Sticky Eyes," made by Unique Party Favors. You damn right they unique. Retailing for a mere two bucks, just you try to pass up a package of sticky eyes with a caricature of some guy with said sticky eyes all over his face for that price. Just you try it. Each of the plastic eyes has an adhesive disc on the back protected by paper until you rip it off with prejudice and conviction. The package confides that to get the best adhesion, you should affix the sticky eyes to your skin before putting on all of your Halloween makeup. I hate being treated like a retard by toy eye instruction guides.

The eyes will stick to just about anything, but let's face it, there's only one place you're gonna stick them. At least until you get over your fear of touching the ass of the seafaring orca.


The only thing more socially unacceptable than sticking toy eyes on your face is sticking toy eyes on your face while humming "I've Been Workin' on the Railroad," which I was. Disgraceful, truly. Eye been workin' on the railroad. Ah fuck, a pun. I broke my promise. I'm a sorry ass Evita.

Unfortunately, the adhesive backing seems to lose its powers after a few minutes, or maybe I'm just really oily. Still, all of the retinas and stuff is just a sticker on top of a perfectly spherical piece of styrofoam. After Halloween, rip the stickers off and you've got usable heads for Christmas pipe-cleaner snowmen. That's two bucks for two holiday crafts. Three if you celebrate Styrofoam Day. March 17th, baby.


I'd never seen so much evil. All at once.


Secondly, we have "Glow In The Dark Sticky Eyes," though they're not "sticky" in the same was as those other eyes. These are more like "Gooey Eyes" -- the kind you can throw against the wall, leading a slow downward crawl that drives any cat in a five mile radius absolutely insane. I didn't take the picture to prove it, but they weren't lying about that "glowing in the dark" thing. They do! They glow! Based on these merits alone, the second pair of Sticky Eyes have already knocked the first so far off the stage that they're practically one of the mysterious strangers who wait behind the audience for a play to end so they could -- presumably -- do something terrible. Sorry. Eyes make me crazy.

Course, it takes considerable drive to go the whole nine yards by sticking the Sticky Eyes near a light source, turning it on and off over and over again just to make them achieve a faint green glow. Come on, you know that's too much effort. We need to find pro-list entries for these things that don't involve so much running around and turning lights off. If we don't, we fail. Not since Marty had to travel back to 1955 to stop Old Biff from giving Young Biff the sports almanac have the words "we cannot fail" been so appropriate. Eyepropriate? See, now you're allowed to kill me twice.


No no no, that's not it. That sucks, that's boring. Squishing the eyes is not the Droid we're looking for.


Stretching the eyes is closer, but ehhh...not quite it. Nope, there's only one viable solution, and we all know it, so I'll just stop pretending we can avoid it. The Sticky Eyes must be placed over your own eyes. Or in this case, mine. Meyene. 3x. I'm gonna die a lot tonight.


Eye see you. I felt like I should've been doing an impression, but couldn't think of anyone with lidless, gooey eyes protruding two inches out of their sockets. Cept maybe Grandpa, but that's more of an in-joke. I don't think you guys would eyeppreciate it. Eye think eye should go.

RETURN TO THE COUNTDOWN!