Just when you thought you've seen all the world of slime toys had to offer, Halloween throws a kink in the chain with a plastic jar full of "Oozeified Body Parts." Whereas those millions of quarters we've all pumped into grocery store vending machines only bring tiny amounts of the stuff, here you're getting enough slime to really fuck up the upholstery. There's no notation, so let's just assume each jar has in the realm of 45,000 ounces of slime. That's no small shakes for four bucks, and best of all, this slime has a gimmick!


The loaf of slime is incredible -- you could easily recreate one of Serial Mom's only remembered scenes and use the stuff as a surrogate liver prop, or better yet, just throw it at random people. I chose the red slime since it felt the most "unholy," but they've actually got these things in all the colors of the rainbow. You want blue slime? Green? Blue/green? The options are there, and the price doesn't get jacked up. True bargains can be found anywhere if you just look hard enough -- even in aisles packed with toy slime and phony mutilated rubber hands. Through Halloween's magic, we learn to be better shoppers. I'm pretty sure that's the point of the whole holiday -- unearthing our inner thriftiness. Why else would people give away those awful Mary Jane candies to so many poor trick-or-treaters?

The slime has a great consistency, too. Definitely on par with any other "toy slime" I've run my fingers through. Still, it's the sheer amount that serves as the number one coup -- let's take this red crap as an example. The red and blue slime varieties are easily considered the most wanted, and kids will go through as many quarters as it takes at those vending machines just to ensure that they go back home with either color. Orange? Yellow? Come on -- the only other color that's remotely passable is green, and even then, it's just a little too obvious. Why take a chance with the vending machine's mystery spit-out? Why waste money on what's potentially going to be the wrong color slime? Save your risk taking for Lotto games and the shark-infested Australian coast. With slime, there's no room for disappointment. Most of what I've just told you can be found on CD #7 of Tony Robbins' "Personal Power" tutorial.


Yes, there's gooey/sticky body parts littered throughout the mass of slime. Each jar contains different parts, so while you can pick your chosen slime color, the body parts are more of a potluck thing. I got a finger, ear, and two of those same slimy eyeballs as seen in yesterday's entry. It's not enough to make a complete head, but it's enough to make it look like you ate the rest of the head.


The lid features a sticker of a gritty old man "daring" you to feel the slime. Hey, so rarely am I thrown such an easy dare. The slime is usually cold to the touch, and as you mash it around its imprisoning jars, it makes sounds almost too similar to messy sex. That's plenty of plus sides for four bucks, so if you need something oozey this Halloween, yeah you found it man you did.

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