Hooray! I found it! The best tasting Halloween treat yet!
Okay, these things are honestly incredible. Fans of Marshmallow Peeps -- the stretchy yellow chicks that were formerly an Easter-only affair -- have enjoyed the series' expansion over the past few years. For the spooky season, we've already seen "ghost" and "pumpkin" Peeps, but it wasn't until this afternoon that I experienced the holiest of the holy -- "Marshmallow Cocoa Bats" aren't just season-appropriate Peeps, they're by and large the ultimate Peeps. Combining a new flavor with a size that will MAKE YOU EXPLODE, these bats should quickly rise to that upper echelon of the Halloween candy aisle, joining decades-spanning luminaries as another prime sweet that can never, ever, never ever go away. These things deserve all the hype they can get.
Look at them! Look at them! I'm not exaggerating when I say that the Cocoa Bats have more than a six-inch wingspan, certainly making them the largest Peeps I've ever encountered. The aroma that rises from the unsealed packed is absolutely unreal -- it's as if you shoved your head into a pot of boiling hot chocolate, only better since the skin on your face won't burn off. You know the stench that lifts from a just-opened box of Count Chocula? Picture it magnified ten times over. Plus, if you're the sort who just likes to play with Peeps candy, these things grant you access to a world of activities the ol' chicks could never afford. You could have Cocoa Bat Throwing Wars, where the unspoken but well understood goal is simply to wail the opposing player in the face with one as hard as you can. It's even more fun when the opposing player doesn't realize he's playing anything.
And the taste, my God, the taste! I'm not at all big on the normal Peeps -- I like to mangle and mutilate 'em, but the marshmallow filling just never did much for me. These, though -- these are incredible. It's like you dunked a semisolid marshmallow into a cup of hot chocolate, letting it soak up every last drop of the good stuff before flying to the best caffeine highs imaginable. The added coup? They're not even that bad for you -- you could eat a truckload of these things, and they still wouldn't match up to the nasty fat in one Snickers bar. I wouldn't call it "health food," but I wish I could. It'd be the first bat-shaped health food ever. I've been praying for that milestone for a long, long time.
If a world with giant, marshmallow bat-shaped Peeps means anything to you, go out right now and buy a few packages. Like I said, I don't know if these things are new or not, but this is the first I've seen of 'em. I can only assume that, due to their size and the subsequent need for larger packaging, they must cost a little bit more than the Peep norm. If we don't prove to the candy gods that the Cocoa Bats were a good idea, they'll chalk the failure up to experience and kill off the glorious creatures for future seasons. Do you really want that to happen? What kind of person are you?
An absolute A+ -- of all the Halloween crap I've seen so far this year, nothing had me as excited as these. I know that getting excited over marshmallow bats isn't something everyone is capable of, but trust me, you won't be disappointed. And if you are, what are you gonna do? Sue me? You're so batty.